I mention all the negatives
When you're really quite the comedian
I cry from laughter all the time

And have I mentioned you're beautiful?
Because you're walking awe
You body inspires me all the time

And did I mention that sometimes
I sit alone and cry because I picture
Being without you, all the time.

We've had our bout
Gone our route
Discovered some functions we
Can't live without
Made our spill and soaked the stain
Had our kisses in the rain
Found the grain that splits us quickest
Picked up thick-skinned suits to slip in
I've had alone, we've met before
Yes I've had alone

We made the discovery that had no end
Created a world of pure pretend
Found some mess and made her a lover
But the dirt clings tight and soils and bends
Coy coincidence made me a friend

So let's close the door and never look back
It is fruit of my labor
To taste with the sanity we lack
Attack of the mind may join hands at a time like now
Let's throw our smile at the light and crumble in for a bow
Let us say with certainty that we will never mix
But certainty is only valid
Until I find the fix.

I sit and swallow
Shards of panic
Follow follow
Lines of manic

Count to ten
Count to two
Flash of happy
Think of you
My ribs collapse
Soul relapse

The exhale's sharp
Jabs my heart
But I take a swig
And push the start

So I sit through life
Here I stay
Knowing everything I've had
I've thrown away.

Presents don't mean what they used to
And I understand why you never
Used my mugs and platters
That I constructed myself
With my little hands
And my heart of unaware

They have holes
These lopsided bowls
Or pots
Whatever you prefer
They've been on display and only now
I understand

They are non-intrinsic treasures
Holds no monetary promise
But you hold it in your heart
Such as every smashed dandelion
Or mishapen clay creature I've ever conjured
Yet I know you love them, uninferred.

Your semester's over
And you'll be back
And everyone will be seeing you
But me

But what else is new?
My life without you.

My time would be running if it had a place to hide
Filmy ridges of my interest bids to fly in the riptide
Back of the bug encloses and traps
Outside the warm inferior chance to fly
Mind filed down like narcotics in the spoon
Melted just above 232
She drops it in the drain
And knows why so she holds today's paper like fine phyllo
Her ceiling looks like pepper
Her floor dry as bone

It's not a good sweater without the holes,
Artistic and shapely, the sleeves sewn for show
The leather of your sailing shoes gone

I wanted an afternoon
An afternoon was all
A stroll through distraction
Some paintings on a wall

All I wanted was an ornament
To brighten up a room
Instead I bought a boquet
One for me, one for you

It's temporary
Yes it is
To hang in windows and dry
But what a beautiful, lingering way to go
What an excellent way to die

I set out on certainty to
Find myself a blend
Life's a dash,
A one line race
So let your fingers touch the end

Toss your hair and bend the straight
Don't color in lines and out-run fate

Learn that a race is only won when there's two
And learn that though there's anyone, there will always be you

So sure.
Make sense of the theories you'll never define
But I won't trust anyone
Unless that anyone's mine.

Love isn't all it's cracked up to be
There are fights, and doubt
And times when you fear what the future is keeping
To itself
It is cold and alone
Your house isn't home

Each friend is a pastime
But each love is a job
A hobby
A passion
A gut-wrenching hug after the day's been too long
It is a tool
A fixture
An element, and a mixture
A blessing and a verse
Your life turns into fast forwards
Pause

Then reverse

But this loss,
It isn't all it's cracked up to be
It isn't like you and me
Because we loved each other
Didn't we?

You can find me on the water slide
Picking daisies apart and whispering your name
Backwards
Forwards
And still it sounds the same

You will find me glancing through time and
Turning pages fast when I see
The ugly photographs
Of me

You will find me buried in the sand
The beads are salty
They are dry
And the nostalgic sound of crashing water makes me
Want to cry

The sand grows warm and I drift to sleep
And I dream of a shore
Where we are washed up
Hand in hand
Core to core

I need you to know
That every part of me belongs to you
That when I close my eyes and heart
That I am hurting, too

I need you to know
That I need you there
Though it's not fair to you
I need you to know I care

I need you to know
That when I broke your heart in two
I held both halves
But they were both for you

I need you to know
That I'll get those in the mail
Though post is slow and I am nervous
Because you know they're very frail

I need you to know
That even though we're through
I will sniff the flowers and fix myself
On my way back to you

So when you're flying without strings
And you can hear my thoughts below
Just know that I'm not trying to hurt you, but
I needed you to know.

You know,
The Brain and Heart will work as one.
And do you know what your life will become?
Pleasant, full, one balanced choice
After another, and another.
But what happens when they battle?
You best hope the heart will win.
Because when it begins? It will feed off your sins.
The guilt will fill you to the brim
Of things that you will never win
You can cry, yell,
You can go around and tell
All your friends
And they'll coax you and pretend
That it's okay, it's just a trend of your
Mind
And you will leave it all behind.
Just distract, interact.
Can't be so bad, just make a pact
With your Body, and forgive, remember the will to live.
Be nice to yourself, you've got flaws
Just like me, just like him.
Only...
We know how to swim.
So if you drown, just let it.
Just let it pull you down.
Because this is a monarch,
and the Mind always wins the crown.

The emotion
Of what I've become
Is something of a pendulum
I drift in lows and soar when high
I move, unless disturbed

If you'd like to feel my pressure
Feel the weight of keeping time
You can hold me all you'd like but
Hold me by the chain. At times
It seems like a boundary
But I take precaution
When healthy heart beats tug my core
Because if you hold me
Feel me
Knead me in your hands, you'll find the sharp point
Of what I'm living for

It may seem teasing
Delaying or sly
But I'm messy, so restless
Just test me
Swaying is what I do the best.

My work is constant
Hands stretched thin but layers remain
Mouth like a cherry
Legs like a train

Won't come back until I know
I'm safe in stacks of moods my own
Small hairs attract

Locomotive listeners tap their feet
Just to bind the memory of a beat
Don't wanna forget but it's so discrete
No rhythm you find is mine or your's

Don't look at me like that again
Wish I could detect the pair of stares I see so often but
It's all a mush these days
And I'm in no rush to stay

Wobbling, finding a stranger rope
Straddling with self confidence
I've got on loan for the next two months

If you need to speak with me I'll be over there
Eating exotic fruit in the shadow of a cause neither lost nor found
It's nice and cool with this overwhelm beating down
Come sit with me and enjoy the air.

Sticky fingered clothing clings
Backwards feathered martyr sings
Foamy smiles brush my sides
Strings of fringes clump and sigh

Gaze that wanders
Sweet pause, last longer
Run a tune too many times
Lick the fingers of sublime
Mask your finds
Casually lather up a rhyme.

I can't explain who
I can't explain why
I can't even explain what, but
I'll just have to try
Because friends, they're the glue that assembles my mind
They're the day's daily tread
They are the thread of my life

But, I would stand my ground for each one of you
Cradle your head as you cried, told you things that aren't true
So wait,
Are you a friend of the memorable kind?
Am I the seed of this plant
Or the unspoken rind?
I define this, but crumple and toss it away
Do I define those who go, or judge when they stay?

So call me in distress, when your friends have parted ways
Trade with me the garments that we'll wear every other day
Share with me the word that we've defined all on our own
And let me give you reason to live
When all your others are on loan

It's somewhat of a hobby, a pastime I can grasp
Let's clear away your awful thoughts, or feed them as they pass
Whatever makes you safer, or feel just less alone
I'll hold your hair back
Hold your hand
Or let you use my phone

They say, there's a reciprocal
A counterpart to all
An indebted soul is restless
And it needs somewhere to fall

But I can't take anything from you
Even when you've asked of me
But it circles around, feels so nice to be found
A friend, is what I'd like to be.

On a happier note!
I found a new antidote
It tasted
Like something between
Mittens and soap
Something like a light handshake
And a *****
Held the line between despair
And nauseating hope

It was a red nose, or a car
Or a throat caked with tar
And it's this hard I try,
And don't know where you are
Gone so far, that I've made friends
With my scars.

I'm not saying that I'd
Pick up smoking, kick my grade point
Out the door
I'm not saying that I'm too great
For a university's education
Won't be showing up late
For Spanish 4

Doors won't slam with the gust
Of rebellious teenage luster
My fights will be well-picked
Won't apply my eyeliner too thick
I'm not saying
These paths won't match my
Spirituality

I'm not saying that I wouldn't miss
My friends
I won't pretend my home is not of the peaceful,
Higher end
I won't say I've reached clairvoyance beyond your ration

I'm not saying that I'm above this
That this world revolves to slow
I'm just saying if you asked me to run away
I've a feeling I wouldn't say no.

I love the crystals in my mane
Drenched in sunlight, glowing bone deep
Everything is smooth as butter
Rolled and tumbled from the blue

The sugar on my eyes and mouth
Interlaced in arm hairs
Filling my brown bag
Taste the savory on my fingers
It reaches deeper every time

Strolling foam, fantastic vastness
Fills my mind with emptiness
Hated breezes
Find the towel
Sink til you're beneath it

Lumps of plant life
Look like mountains
I shove my chin into the grit
Level off my point of view
Thousands of years of sediment

Locks as parched as hay
Skin as crisp as chips
I taste you, summer, in my blood
And I know you by your lips.

Sublime
On time
But never late.
It hovers, waits
It relocates
It destroys the butterflies it creates.
Time will tell
What stays the same
But love's outcomes
Are never sane.

The other day you turned your head
And looked at me
Nostalgia clouds my memory
The recoveries I've conjured are
Pointless, as I find you

I remembered your meter
I remembered your lines
As cut and sculpted as I recollect
Your control is spectacular
Teach me what you know

I am weak as the sand, as you're taking my hand
Mulling over the times 'cause I'm the maleable kind
Pressing each of my fingertips with intervals here
Folding over like clay as you knead the austere
We were always in love, and always means further than
The now we know is occurring, and what we know is the end
I am falling apart but you say that's alright
'Cause all you need is a beating heart to get through the night

We were always the ones who took a good look around
Heads higher than clouds, but with our feet at the ground
Surveying the world through the eyes of the paired
This is our love, something no one else shares

I held hands with the sun and he said to me
"Why feel you've lost him when you've got memories?"
And those thoughts are so bold they could make their own lives
Have their own kids
Start pointless fights
Pay their own bills
Make their own way
Just like, the memories that we'll make someday.

He looked ahead and said
For the life of me, I cannot recall
A life held just for you
I twisted sour, hurt by the words
That cut
Made me come to

But if it drew me close enough
He'd close the walls and brush my weighty smile aside
He'd say there's too much here to **** out
There's too many shells to find the good inside

So I sit back on my headboard
And think about the times your rational side, touched mine
Let me in
Or how our legs intertwined

I didn't sob a bunch from sadness
But from the intensity that shook my frame loose
Of a direction it should be going in
And the one your heart had in store for us
The latter
Is always the one I will climb

This ground will thaw
And the irrational might touch again
But as long as we keep ourselves in line
I think that I could call you friend.

It's hard to lose
What's still around
To watch the subtle splitting of the seams
Voluntarily squandering dreams

What're you diming up for?
Another so-called "even score"?
Don't fool yourself, don't fool yourself
You've never felt more alone

Why nurse it back to health
If it wants to fly away
So mend them well,
'Cause time will tell
If they'll thank you someday

Help is only living
When the victim gives it breath
Don't take my words
And twist them
Don't try to give them depth

It's true that I'm not in on it
I get that life's unfair
But if I'm the one who's been here
Why are you always over there?

I boil alive in the summertime
Feel the fields fold within me
Vast as our climb
I grow restless, grow short
These thin winds wring me dry
I yearn for heat to dowse my worries
Smooth me flat and let me fly

Some find displeasure in warmth
The thick of the air that mops your neck
With the kiss of a season I'd never forget
The exhaustion of heat embosses those
Who struggle with it so
But it lulls you to baste and bake in it's waves
As reminder to let the cold go
To embrace sinking in with intent clear at mind
To assemble, observe
With the thoughts left behind
The world, it goes covered
For months it's at sleep
When its ambiance rolls, it just sings,
"Watch me be."

I know your brain's amuck
With the slush of old snow
Yet within you holds humidity
Thick with memories known.

Teeth so white,
and straight,
and clean

Legs so long,
so tan,
so lean

Body so fierce,
and tight,
and great

Mind so gone,
too little,
too late.

Time is close the mind is right so
Take the pipe and
Watch it light
Opaque clouds will
Shroud the night
It coats the soul and minds take flight
Up up up
Kite kite kite

Some minds are there while
Here I sit
The wind is strong but the
Bowl is lit
I play my part as a passerby
It's just as fun to see them fly

But it's a fleeting sense of
Wrong and Right
When all they do is
Light light light.

I don't know why I did what I did
The words spilled and shattered as they collided with my
Unidivided
Attention

Happiness creeps in, is hungry
Starving
Has to sneak for food
But is chased away
By an endless mood

It scoops out my heart
Leaves a gap for storage
Of all the items I have nowhere to place

My chair feels uncomfortable
As do my clothes
My skin
My teeth
My nose
My organs are closed

My body knows what it needs
But does not know the chore
It will punch holes in me and ask what
I'm waiting for.

If it gave me anything but flickers
I wouldn't be able to breathe
The smog of a fondness gone stale
Goes lazy with the thought of reprieve
If it gave me anything but memories
It would be too tangible to leave
So it moves down and out
With a face full of frame
Waning is my consistency

If I gave it anything but progress
It would shy from all that I've grown
It is sparse
But until these thoughts shake loose from my mind
It's the closest that I have to home.

She's got galaxies between her ribs
And dials in her eyes
She's got liberty and justice lips
She's got lilacs up her thighs

Her knee-high boots say everything
She's unbearable and kind
Her flannel's thin as phillo
But her insides are fleece lined

She walks into a coffee shop
Asks for something extra hot
The steamer screams and the cold milk groans
She stirs until there is no foam.

There's a man, that sits feet away
And he cannot stand the way she plays
With a strand of hair that's been ***** for days

Look at those ugly, misshapen scars
Her body like a project car
Does she think that she's mysterious?
Does she think bad clothes are who she is?

She stands so fast he can't look down
She spots him as she turns around
Sees the recent trace of judgement
So she walks away, and smiles

Just then, his lungs were made of marble
His heart started to rehearse
The story, of how she made
His world a universe.

A sight to you is a sight to me
But is it a sight if we both can't see
It's ability to be and only be?

A fallen tree is a sound to be
As it is found by a deer
A fox
A bee.
But what about you,
And what about me?

We can and will be
As a sound, or a tree
As something that will never see
Existence.

There is jail
There is Hell
There is space where you roam
In between places nowhere
And the place you call home

They can tell you you're nothing
That you can't be free
But what is free
Is always
Your right to be.

My senses are extremity
The air is all I taste
It's gritty wise and patient
No inhale goes to waste

My senses are impeccable
My ears will leech the sound
Of a parking car
A healing scar
The growing in the ground

My senses overwhelm me
And touch is what remains
But we can touch eachother because
I know you feel the same.

It's so hard not to feel insane
When I love the creation that is your brain
Your skin smells damp of earth and
Rain

Coils winding through my hands
Soft and fair
Golden hair

Your cheeks, they plummet sharp
Creates a sculpture
Melts my heart

You think I look but it's so much more
Every kiss is a strain,
A chore,
A kiss that burns me to my core.

The dream I had about you
Was meaningless and weird
It wasn't odd and it rang true
It wasn't what I feared

The dream I had about you
Is fuzzy
Is unclear
I don't know what was happening
All I know is you were here

Yes, I had a dream about you
And from it
There isn't much to say
But I woke up and I cried because
I miss you anyway.

I will poke at the belly
That you used to hug
I will ponder the body that
You used to love
I will gnaw at the fingers
That you used to kiss
And I will smother the hope
That I am something you'll miss.

Tree, why do you shake?
Because it is cold.

Why do you slump?
It's because I am old.

Are you leaving, with the leaves?
Yes, I go when they do.

Alright, I'll see you next year.
**And I'll be seeing you, too.

I will be your listener and follower and friend
Let's brace this narrow slanting hope
Why can't we reach the end?

I will be a lover and a half of every choice
I'll be your biggest listener
When you have lost your voice

I will be allowing and aloof and so alone
Because your love,
Though fleeting,
Was the best I've ever known.

Yesterday I saw you fly
It was a bird but so am I
We flew so high I couldn't see
But who cares?
I'm as much a bird as bird could be.

I’m a soft moan in the mewing darkness
Our skin is see-through just around the edges
Paler than we might remember
Softer. Always softer in a way not weaker
I follow my own line of symmetry
All the way up my body and out of Breath
Beneath the sea there’s more earth but never more than there are stars. Above you
There’s no other. Above you
There never was.

Run two over 10 minute miles.
Feel sick on the treadmill.
Buy $15 worth of Whole Foods hot bar.
Go to work.
Drive slow, it’s snowing.
Drink some good wine to learn
Drink some **** wine to unlearn
Be seen, feel wanted
Don’t get forgotten
Leave while you’re still memorable
Run another 10 minute mile
Stop
Work when the sun comes up come home when it’s down
Base your entire self worth on one thing
Stop
Consider dyeing your hair back to brown
Change your mind. You won’t get noticed
Crack some wise *** joke about how you were ugly in middle school so now you have a real personality
Drink a bottle of wine
Make someone laugh
Cook a soft boiled egg just right
Make someone cry
Hate yourself but only an amount you can come back from
Don’t be perceived but definitely get looked at
Order a shot and a beer
Go to the bathroom and watch the door stickers spin
Go to the beach and find meaning
Water the plant that keeps trying to die in your perfectly ******* lit living room
Wake up and watch your partner
In stillness except for breathing
Leave your bed before the sun is up
Be the first thing the world sees

With my head all the way under I can hear it
The drain from the overflow
My lengthy breaths like brush strokes
The tinny crack of a joint in the vacuum, in the lone lake of one
The closest I’ll ever be to a sea monster
Not in a legend way, but in the way I’ll never be as still
I’ll bring my hand up and over, ride with the mist up out of the four rounded walls
The archipelagos of my body are many. They don’t all fit beneath the surface
I wonder if islands feel fractured, vulnerable and sparse
Or if they feel fortunate to be earth and sea
The water always tinges green, from my hair, no matter how many washes I’ve done
Like the way a green glass wave might be harnessing the sky
All I’m missing are rocks to tumble and coast to encroach on
Then I might feel what it means to watch something soften
Then maybe I’d know what it means to watch something roll under me so easily I don’t even notice as it leaves.

There are two things I’ve had closest to a fear
Needles,
And my own uncertainty
My insides wince when I see either or both
In the same room
Lit by the same gritty flame
Parked next to each other on the couch and gripping two glasses
Of mid shelf
They both look at me with a gaslit glare
They’re not there, or not in the way
At least
I know my moms arms are
The grass when it makes my back itch
A book when I flip it through like I know what I’m seeing.
Their eyes follow me to the back of my head and
The roots of my fiberglass brain
I haven’t showered, in days.

When the bugs crawl on me I am reminded that I was always earth.
The sticky detritus that folds in nitrogen and small stones
Buds and sprouts that yawn from the loam
Combing my hands through the sharp green shards of grass
I think of how we’re growing at the same time.
Smaller than is visible but large enough to hold between my teeth
To bite down and gnaw through the woody rush stems. Stretching out each strand of reed grass until they’re thin as violin strings.  
How would I live without the harsh air? Or the sun suspending me in a chamber full of fog and soft knowing.
I can’t believe I’m one of them: that I’m made of moss and memories and I live in a pocket of air between the ice float and river flow. Funny how
We’re on one side of the ground or another. There’s almost no difference at all.

For as long as I can remember
I’ve wanted to be older
Older than I was
Old, like my friends’ parents
I couldn’t stand being reduced to kids menus
Cold grilled cheeses and apple juice
I wanted to drink wine like a 29 year old that had two jobs,
But not for the money - just to keep herself busy
I wanted to be old enough to be mad at someone and have it matter
Old enough to never have a tantrum again
Or to drive a car with all the windows down on the highway.
To live alone and only be a little scared
“Talk like a kid, eat at the kids table, you can’t give adults money in birthday cards, you’re too young to know”
So many rules from a group of people who didn’t have any
And so I did grow up.
Worked too many hours and stayed up late on the weekdays
Skipped some 8am classes and tattooed a dead bird on my upper thigh and still I’m so young
So much younger than when I was 9 and sure about every fact I made up
More naive than a child that saved all her money and counted it on the living room carpet
Less knowing than someone who would have a bedtime and ****** strawberry daiquiris. Saw her friends often and didn’t relay all my mistakes to anyone I met just to make sure
I’m still good
When I’m too old to be so wise for my age,
or an old soul,
I hope that means I will finally be myself
That me and time will meet in the middle of a familiar place
And continue our conversation like two old friends
And walk without looking behind us.

I might make this the year I tell the men in my life when they do something that hurts
Probably not but it’s what I curl up and close my eyes about at night and let soak behind my eyelids into my dreams.
Katahdin is not a volcano. You can’t come into my life whenever you want. The way you forget everything I did for you makes me feel like garbage. I would like you to acknowledge the hurt and not just how I’m reacting to it.
Will it make me a *****? Will you like me anyway? Will you be in the headspace to hear that? Do I care?
I used to say I didn’t make friends with men because I thought they wanted to hurt me on purpose. I think now it’s on accident.
Is that better?
I think this is the year I say something and don’t cover with a joke to make you comfortable
Probably isn’t but I really want that to be true
One day I’m going to wake up and make it so
And with myself intact, my day will go on

Everybody knows who they are until they lose.
But if I scrape together my earnings I have enough to show for at least a little time where things were probably true, and ok
It wasn’t the proudest I’ve been. Probably not even the second.
But my score is woven so deeply into the fabric of how people consume me that I shudder when they put the fork down before
they’re done.
I’m done too.
Too well for anyone’s taste and especially not my own. No one’s famished anymore they all ate what was up first.
Mediocrity spills out of me like a fountain rotting from the underneath. Nothing can be contained forever, least of all shame.
I can plug it up with all the sacred earth and dead flowers that I want. It’s still a broken vessel. It will still be an obnoxious mess that begs for demolition.
No one will care enough to even destroy it.

It will feel the seasons and cry the graffiti off of its sides while the moss grows over. No longer serving its purpose, it begs to be gazed at. Lounged on. Wondered about how beautiful and useful it was before time tore it down.