I'm dying to bleed.
Bleeding to die.
I can't decide.
The uncertainty itself is killing me.
Standing at a crossroads and each sign screams WRONG WAY.
Every step I take I hear TURN AROUND.
It's wrong.
It's all wrong.
I'm all wrong.
What's right anymore?
I'm so far from right what's even left of me anymore?
Nothing.
Nothing remains but a certain instability.
An inevitable self destruction.
I feel like I'm on death row.
I know it's going to happen I just don't know when.
WHEN?
When will I have the strength?
Will I ever have the strength?
Will I ever have anything?
Be anything?
Know anything?
Will anybody ever know me?
Will I ever even know myself?
I need a map.
I don't know where to go.
But what is a map without directions?
And what am I without a destination?
The clock is ticking.
Time never stops.
Not for anyone.
3am and I should be closer to clarity but I'm not.
I never have been.
Nothing good ever happens after 2am.
Well nothing good ever happens before.
Guide me.
Somebody guide me.
It's like each cry for help isn't loud enough but I'm too weak.
Much too weak.
Listen harder.
Move closer.
Open your eyes.
Maybe not.
I wish I could close mine to everything I've seen.
To everything my heart has ever felt.
I don't want you to see this
To feel it.
Maybe I have to so you don't.
Maybe.
Jesus.
Maybe.
Nothing is ever certain is it?
Or is it?
I'm never certain of anything.
Except one thing.
I don't belong here.
I never did.
What is my purpose?
Do I have one?
When will I know?
How long must I wait?
My patience wears thin when I am left here to test it
I struggle.
I'm struggling.
Gasping for air.
Suffocating.
Save me.
Save.
Me.
Don't save me.
I don't want to be saved.
Do I?
I get so close and I run in fear.
But when I'm not running I live in fear.
And which is worse?
They could both be over so quickly if I found an ounce of strength.
Just a little more.
But from where?
This is all that remains of me.
Questions within a damaged shell that barely shields a wounded soul and a broken heart.
What use is it?
What use am I?
What use is life when we were all born to die?

Sitting outside at 3am and nothing reflects the corners of my mind more accurately than the dead of the night and the rain on this page.
No sound but that of others living their lives; sleeping through their dreams whilst I'm here wondering what mine really are.
The ash on my cigarette burning to my fingertips as I run away with the thoughts of what could have been.
The heat of the tea that I'm drinking burning me right down to my stomach just as your words do to my mind when Ieast expect it, when inside I'm so cold.
And you shock me.
You shock my system and I start to crack.
You never cease to amaze me.
Never cease to amaze me.
And where will I go from here?
My hands are exhausted with each stroke of the pen as each line I write is just a recurring thought that has already been discussed,  analysed and evaluated.
The colder it gets the more comfortable I feel.
The more at home I am.
And it's sad.
It's so sad.
I look up at the sky and the clouds are a gentle reminder that maybe I'll never see the stars again.
This place is so dark but the light seems so foreign to me.
Life is so foreign to me.
And towards death I am drawn.
I wonder how am I still here.
But I am.
And there must be a reason greater than this realisation.
The rain never stops falling but the grass never stops growing.
And without suffering there would be no compassion.
Maybe I feel this way so that you don't have to.
Balance.
I fight the lows by getting high.
I used to embrace the lows just to feel.
I don't want to feel anymore.
Can you feel this?
Sit here with me.
Join me.
Read my eyes as the rain clouds them.
Read these words as my tears drown them.
And what do I have left to share with you but the reality of this hell on earth that we must endure just to make it to the other side in the hope of something better.
But is there something better?
And do I want to risk it?
Stay here in this moment hoping daylight never comes or risk the morning sunlight and the hope that things will change.
The heat as it burns through the truth of who I am.
What I am.
But daylight always comes and nobody feels content all of the time.
And the daylight will fall upon me and I'll just want to sleep.
Because I can't stand the hours knowing it's not where I'm supposed to be.

The world won’t stop turning without us but it sure as hell will spin a little slower if we get off.
Time goes too fast when we’re together and I’m moved to believe that when we’re apart, it goes too slow.
Time is relative.
And this is love.
We are love.
Maybe not in your eyes, but in mine it doesn’t get much better.
This feeling is what people search their whole lives for, what they live for.
I live for you.
When you look into my eyes I know you see the colours of the world you wish you lived in because you’re right, I could complete you.
I do, because you complete me too.
And there was never a “me” without you.
And without you there’s a space left in my heart shaped like the contours of your body that I know so well, and it couldn’t be filled by anyone else.
I lay with you and listen to your heart beat so carefully so as to try and decipher each beat and your desires.
If I break down your walls, will you tell me I can fulfil them?
I crave the words that you keep on the tip of your tongue; that you prevent from slipping out.
I can read you like a book because you’re on every page of my story.
If you magnified my mind you would be overwhelmed by the intensity of the thoughts that plague me like a disease I don’t ever want to find a cure for.
I don’t ever want to be cured of my addiction for you.
You hurt so good.
I need you so bad.
Maybe you’re my drug.
Maybe you’re my medicine.
Either way, it’s a prescription I want repeating for the rest of my life.

These tears taste so familiar.
Do you come with a warning?
Do your eyes come with a life jacket?
Your heart with instructions?
I wish this was easier.
When I'm with you, there are no questions.
You are my soul mate.
I was created for you.
Just as you were for me.
Do you feel it?
You know me so well and yet you have no idea.
I want you so much and yet you still question my words.
I love you.
I never stopped.
I wish I did for the benefit of both of us.
But why?
Nobody will ever make me feel the way that you do.
Your fingertips on my body make me feel like heaven resides here on earth with us in that moment.
In every moment with you.
And I submit myself to you everytime.
The more I drink you, the more I crave you.
And there is not enough poison in this world to drown my thoughts of you.
To submerge my love for you.
Not a hole big enough to bury it.
It's crazy how deep my heart sinks at the thought of losing you again.
I'm out of my mind.
I worry.
I fear.
I love.

Back then I tried to clean out my heart like it was a closet I’d been filling with bad ideas and painful regrets.
But the memories of us were too heavy to throw away.
So I just pushed them all aside.
And every time I looked to my heart for guidance all I could hear was your name in its beat.
So I couldn’t even breathe without you.
And maybe we fell apart back then so we had a chance to rebuild our foundations.
And now I’ll never let them crack.
It’s as though you climbed my heart like a mountain and left a flag as a reminder of what I’d be missing when you were gone.
And I missed you.
You left a draft in my ribcage when you stole my heart and I’m only just getting used to the warmth of its return.
Every day there was a flashback of what we used to be.
Every night there was a dream of what I wanted us to be.
Now I wake up in the morning and I see what we’ve become.
We fell apart so we could fall back together.
And I did fall.
My love for you is deeper than the Mariana Trench.
And even if you could swim that deep into my love for you, you’d never understand just how much.
Back then I didn’t believe in fate.
But now you make me believe in anything.  
In everything.