i used to wanna be the sun
casting shadows on the wall
dancing between the leaves
but lately i have found myself wondering
how it would feel to be the warm glow escaping from the lamp in your bedroom
the lamp that lights your room just enough to read your favourite books
the one that as a child, kept you safe from the monster under your bed
and the one that now keeps you safe from the monsters in your head
i want to know how it feels to be the lamp that greets you every morning
the first thing you turn to when you wake up
when your nights get to dark i want to be the light you rely on to get you through the night
i want to be the lamp you bring to college
that sits in your living room in your first house
because you're 23 and you can't afford new furniture
i wanna be the lamp in your first child's bedroom
and the second child
and possibly the third
i wanna be the lamp in your last house
that sits in your attic collecting dust
the lamp that doesn't work anymore but you don't have the heart to throw away
i used to want to be the sun
but lately i have found myself wondering how it would feel to be the warm glow escaping from the lamp in your bedroom

i don't want to make things awkward
but i am dead without you
i feel like a ghost
stumbling around in the dark
searching for your hand
the hands that once made me feel so safe
the hands that kept me warm
but it was your hands that did this to me
it was your hands that killed me
you can't be the ****** weapon
and the search party
you can't be the the car crash
and the emergency room
you can't be my drunk father
and the bed i go to hide under
i cut myself on the sharpest ******* parts of u
anyways
i loved you enough it destroyed me
and i am just the headstone you don't put flowers on anymore

i wish we spoke more
so that i could talk to you about how last night
i was drunk in a cab
crying again
but this time i was not afraid
nor embarrassed
it was beautiful
it was slow moving
just like how things used to be
when i was getting to know you
but getting out of the cab
was like waking from a dream
a bad dream
one where i was aching
aching to be touched
by you
but now your fingers down my pants
feel like fingers down my throat
and how when you're next to me
you never feel next to me
there's this painful distance between us
i bet you can feel it too
i think telling someone you miss them
is really just a way of asking them to
come back

i am convinced u only come back to be reminded of how much i can miss u
the last time u came back and left i prayed
i prayed for god to either give me the strength to continue loving u
or for the strength to never talk to u again
but u don't believe in god
and hell
neither do i
u tell me the closest semblance of god u know is between my thighs
i swear everytime u come back we make a church out of this bed
i believe in the resurrection of the body
but this love isn't everlasting
amen

i wonder if u even realize how beautiful u look singing those funeral songs
it makes me want to visit every abandoned grave
and put flowers on every barren tombstone
not for the dead
but for u
and how tender u are in ur grief
i worry about the time i have left in this body
sometimes it takes all the strength in me not to tear out my eyes or cough up maggots
i had to abandon my last vessel
because i slipped and broke all of my bones
this time i will be more careful
now that u are around
but i can't help wonder if u would leave red or yellow roses at my grave
or maybe none at all
would u visit me years after i was gone?
would u wake up in the middle of the night with sweat rolling down ur back bc u saw my face in a dream?
how long would it take u to forget the sound of my voice?
if i told u i would die without u would u stay?
or pack ur bags and throw a party
with a cake made out of stuff that falls from my body
people will grimly say it was a good party
while they wet themselves in the chairs u crafted from my bones
it's harder to be good in here
then it is to starve and die

i simply wanted the entire garden
for only us
and if i couldn't give u that
then i didn't want anyone else
to have it
so i destroyed the garden
and i destroyed myself
that's why two years later my parents are still untangling tree branches
from my hair
and pulling thorns
from my skin
but the branches are my limbs
and the thorns are my flesh
and god ****** they are not saving me
but pulling me apart
the garden does not exist
it's just a metaphor
for how hard i tried to keep something alive
that was dead in the first place

i just wanted to apologize
bc i gave u everything i had
w/out asking u if u even wanted it
what i want to say to u is
"can u stop being a **** for 2 ******* seconds?"
but instead i say
"im sorry, i love u, please stay this time"
then i write a hundred v bad poems about it
anyway
this ones to remind u i am a person
and u have hurt me
maybe u don't know how to come to terms w that
making this a v uncomfortable reality
today i named a toothache after u
and then i looked up at the sky
we're both looking at the same moon
and ur a ******* *******

oxygen gently cradles his head
up and down
up and down
as he uses my ribs
as a soft bed for slumber
he doesn't know i hold my breath when i am scared
he doesn't know this is the first time i have felt like i can breathe in weeks
like who ever kidnapped my lungs brought them back
it makes me sad to think that this exact moment in time will soon feel like swallowing razor blades
it will suffocate me and taint my thoughts dull
it keeps me up at night knowing that at one point
my heart and his head were just inches apart
his hair has grown long since the last time i held him
he's like no one you have ever read about
it's just poetic *******