Alone........


In a room full of people
what is wrong with me?
it is as if I can see
past the outter things in life
and look too closely to the inside
and see things I shouldn't see.....lonliness.


uncovering more than maybe I should,
But I see it....
feel it..
as it surrounds me.


the smiles....


are they real?
do they come from an honest sense of happiness?
or is it just something that they have learned to do? God, I just don't understand it.
am I the only one
who ever felt this before?


the wallpaper even makes me sad...


like flowers frozen in time,
stuck to a wall
meaningless..
vacant...
and so lonely.



how can I feel this sad?


no one seems to notice,
I can feel it's frosty fingers
around my heart
and I am powerless
to it's sorrowful presence.


a clock....


ticking loudly in the corner...
depressing me with each tick..
as if to let me know that time is slipping away


and theres not one **** thing I can do to stop it..
if the world should end
right here...
right now...
I would die in this miserable state.


the tears....


inside of me
that I allow no one to see,
to touch,
to comfort,
are slowly driving me insane.


I wear a mask ...


to protect myself from people,
well meaning people,
who try for unknown reasons
to help some poor soul,
like me.


I don't need their attention..


so I smile...
I am almost sure
I have perfected
the fine art
of fake smiling.



no one knows.....
no one sees.....
no one cares.
as I sit here all alone...


in a room full of people.

I've been on forbidden paths
And lived in useless dreams.
I've been the *****, the victim, and the queen.


I've danced in the rain and sung my last song.
I've laughed the hardest and cried the most bitter of tears.
And kept going long after the music inside of me died.


I've been everything that I needed to be,
not quiet what I wanted or needed to be.
But I survived.
I made it to the end of... me.


I reach the dead end of the road..
and climbed the mountains just to say that "I could".


I've felt the pain of the darkest night transform into daybreak,
with grace that I borrowed from a strength that was not my own.


And I learned to fake a smile to cover the scars of my failures.


I've lived the night mare of my worst fear, and stood in places
that no.. human... should.. ever.. have.. to stand.


I've been the peacemaker and the rebel.
Living in a world where I just don't belong.


Something beckons my heart, dare I go?


One last journey somewhere I've yet to see.

blank, is the canvas
the artist, sits alone
and thinks of brighter colors
the canvas becomes my home


adding touches of the sun
in one single stroke
ivy green masks the clouds
the jungle becomes a cloak


the brightest white,
to grace the sky a brilliant breeze
and tiny specks of yellow dust
to give the wind something to tease


trees, clouds, sunlight
things I've never seen
all come to life...
on this tiny little screen


bold, rich colors
paint a life I once dreamed
aqua ribbons of blue
highlight the tiny stream


I look outside at the brick wall
in front of my window seal
and turn back to my canvas
real life lost all appeal


so I paint the things I'd rather see
that in my heart become alive
with careful strokes and dimension
a new life I created with artistic strife


there it lies before me
with an angelic glow
but something seems amiss
one last thing it needs to grow


among the barest spots
beneath the rich, wet paint
I draw a person smiling
though the smile seems so faint


hidden in the heart
a place I'd long to see
and there it is, my masterpiece...
the life I hold within..
me.

Introduce me to the shadows
I'm not afraid of the dark


Teach me to love the animal
not to run from it's bark


walk with me in the rain
without sheltering me more


let me fly upon on your wings
lead me to freedom, don't close the door


hold my hand
don't chain my soul


I have a spirit
don't touch it's controls


love me for who I am
not for who I may become


show me tomorrow
allow me to feel the sun


don't try to save me
or spare me pain


teach me I'm strong enough
to survive the stormy rain


I wasn't searching for a hero
to make my life complete


or someone to shelter me
when life has me beat


I was looking for love
don't bury it in your need


you need to feel superior
walk beside.. dont lead


For with your support
I can withstand the pain


and yet if you shelter me
I'll never learn to enjoy the rain

I've never stood on this side of "unforgiveness" before.


A whole different kind of pain that I've known nothing about, ever, in my lifetime.


A place, I never dreamed I'd end up.
I'd never done anything unforgivable before, to anyone.
But here I am in this.. Place, time, diminsion...


A place so sad and Harsh, uncaring and cruel that it  rips apart my very worth, a day at a time.
Leaving all of me mangled, on memory's cold, dusty floor.


I see myself through your eyes and even I despise myself.
I'm locked inside inaccurate details that somehow become hard lined truth and fact without reason or exception.

Only worthy of the harshest punishment.


Truth doesn't live here in this tortured place of long halls of funhouse-like mirrors created by your mind.. imaginary demons distort even the purest memory of who I really am, and what I was to you.


I should simply no longer exist like this, in my Un-pardonable grave of disgrace.  
Non-deserving of even the smallest shred of mercy.


Through your eyes I am a worthless *****, a liar and manipulator and heartless...
Or worse...


A faceless, nobody that you never knew.


I hardly recognize myself in this distorted view.
But who am I to defend my own worth to one who once saw me worthy to love?


I'm not worth fixing now or worthy of defending.
I'm  just a unforgiven act that can never be redeemed.


You can't hear my screams or my telling you that this isn't ME!
It truly isn't ME!


I whisper "I'm sorry's" into the dark, until even I'm tired of hearing it.
Helplessly and hopelessly I fell into places I've never been before.  
The darkest side of hate and disgust.


I'm not worth your words anymore or worth hearing.
Scarcely worth a thought.
Cast out and banned far away from you.
Nothing more than garbage beside the roadway.


I am no more, my feelings are muted.
I'm out of sight and mind, therefore I don't exist.


I am in fact.. Nothing.


Your thoughts of hate so sharp that it penetrates my shattered heart.
I can't even feel myself breathe anymore.
Not dead, but not alive.


I wish that I could bleed or die, but that would give relief that I don't deserve.


Untrusted, unloved and carefully judged and sentenced to a silent hell of hatred and death, that no human should ever see or feel.


I used to love seeing myself through your eyes and now I have to close my eyes because I'm too scary and disgusting to look at.


Doomed,  better off dead, am I, than to live unforgiven in this dark, silent torture..
Hated by the same heart that once loved me before my fall from grace.
Unable to plead my case before the judge who charged my sins.


So cold and unfamiliar that I don't even recognize the heart that I once knew as the extension of my own.


Now banished to a
literal hell without a door.


Copyright protected