what do you do when the person you hate the most is yourself?
what am I to do when all my thoughts revolve around you,
where do I sign up to get self help?
I miss the way you would do your curly hair.
I regret the fact that we never went to the fair.
I miss that black shirt you have with that little pizza slice on it,
you were my form of anesthesia, now everyday feels like ****.
I miss it. What we had, looking back, it wasn't all that bad.
I miss that time of day,
sunset,
where I would forget all of my heart's regrets
and watch you stare at the sun
we did the dumbest things just for fun.
you shined brighter than the lighter that lit those cigarettes you hated so much,
no matter how often you inadvertently hurt me, I can't hold a grudge,
you are the one who can truly judge.
take me to court, decide if I get to go free living so sadly,
or incarcerate me and my inner demons, can the state fund my treatment?
trick question, the cure is a secret.
it's not a drug, pill, or form of escape,
it was that girl I could never make feel safe.
she was the princess in the tower,
but the dragon guarding it had too much power.
he whispered my worst fears into my ears,
my mind went blank,
and that's when I sank into this hole called depression
being sad?
I'm so good at that, I'd call it my profession.
I'll be the first to admit I am very weak,
I have no right to speak.
I'll just sing my hate at the stars,
let it drift off into space.
maybe the gods above will pity my mortality,
think about my well being more than she does.
who is she?
everything I've ever wanted,
giver her back to me.
P L E A S E ...
?

Rest in peace my self esteem
I'v lost the courage to chase those dreams
Memories of days past, lines blurring, they went by so **** fast
When you wonder about life, about the grand scheme behind it
you try to find it, define it,
make sense of the senseless
what can I create from nothing
I guess I'm bluffing when I say something sincere
like that there's sentient life far away, we're talking light years
all I can really do is adhere to the rules, tell people about my high school
reminisce and wish things were the way they used to be
I just wanna be free, go out and see what's out there
go to the fair, play with your hair, stop and stare at those eyes
how could I ever lie about what you meant to me
your mind and soul were nearly as vast as the sea to me
I wanted to dive deep, be a creep and know all there is about you
but what can I do now that you're gone
I feel so alone, staying at home, afraid of the unknown
I still checked my cracked phone for texts from you
the last words I'd ever see were etched onto a headstone, gravestone, can I atone for what I did with this precious stone?
No.
Because you're gone and that's that.
I can shout that I miss you,
wish I'd kissed you harder

please

just one more dance?

Let us drink!
So that we forget our sorrows, and fill the void, and forget that my insides will be destroyed!
Let us drink!
To fill the hollow void with liquor and enjoy a short burst of vigor, an energy for life lacking strife!
Let us drink!
So that I may forget what I have begun to forfeit, my mind full of regret and past sunsets, and so I may no longer feel upset!
Let us drink!
Maybe I can begin to think a way to drink my life away, and succumb to that feeling every day without delay! Sometimes, the skies get so gray I can no longer bear to stay in the way of the sun's rays, life is such a waste!
Let us drink!
The memories don't hurt when you're this drunk.
Let's drink.
So I forget that even when I'm home I feel alone.
Let me drink.
Don't you have anything stronger? I can't I bear this much longer I need to feed the demons inside me, I will cry and wish and plead if that's how it must be!
I will drink.
Until I am no longer hollow. Until I hold no more sorrows. All I can do now, is wait for tomorrow.
I must drink.
I have nothing left. I get no rest. I have done my best. I remember the times in my life where I truly felt blessed. Those days are long gone. Everything I do now, feels so ******* wrong.
I smell rank.
A moment of sobriety and clarity sends me straight back to the bottle, my sadness comes to me once again at full throttle.
I drink.
Because I have forgotten how to live this life when I have nothing left to give.
I am drunk, and I am still sad.
****, that's actually really bad.
I move on the next bottle, like a wandering nomad.
On the path of becoming a drunk
deadbeat
sad
lad.

when we first met we were awkward
you said you were hard to talk to
and I said don’t worry it’s me and not you
we both shuffled our feet, stared at the street
glanced up and down, constantly turning around
until you said to me
“do you ever have so many things to say,
but never the heart to say them?”
I looked you in the eyes, suppressing my surprise
at that moment, I knew you’d be my demise
to be honest, it all started with you
and with you it would end too
when you left that cold December night
after we had a bad fight
“why don’t you ever show me what you feel”
and I whispered, my voice full of fright, holding my fist tight
my pulse moving fast, memories racing past
“I never had the heart to"

every second
of every day
I wonder to myself why it has to be this way
my heart keeps beating because that's all it knows to do
what do I have to do to keep my thoughts from you
every second
of everyday
I think myself into dismay
if my sadness is my madness then I've gone insane
I do this on a daily, my form of demented prayer
wishing you would actually care
ever second
of everyday
I stare at my reflection and contemplate
why I'm so depressed
the answer is simple:
you were always my source of distress
but you always did look so beautiful in your summer dress
tell me that when you said you would never come back,
tell me that was never true
please
I miss you

just let me inside your mind
where I will try so hard to find
what hurt you
you changed a lot
something you won't admit to
things change, ripe with pain
from heartbreaks to days full of clouds and rain
hopping from puddle to puddle
splashing, smashing any hopes for my future
trying to remember life before me and you
these puddles muddle my memory
a history so explicitly a part of me
pools of water, puddles, turn to mirrors
inside your heart's interior
the cause of your pain, the rain on your parade
it was me
I was so set on trying to open your mind
looking for reasons
so blind this whole time
I committed a crime, judged by you who are so divine to me
I though I had built you a shrine
"Let me in" I shouted to you
but this place was all too familiar
I'd been here before
and I don't deserve to ever go back

you know, being constantly sad isn't all that bad.
nothing can be something, right?
and you have to hold on to something to stay sane, to not go mad,
so my something is the nothing I have.
It's not all that bad.
the void in my heart can be filled with meaningful art,
something to take the pain away, help me fly away and wash myself in the rain.
being sad isn't all that bad.
I mean, losing everything you've ever had is tough, right?
losing the source of light, the one that made the fight for life feel so right,
I can do this without any of that.
It's not that bad.
The tears, they stream down my face like they're in some sick race,
on their way to find a better place to spend the rest of their years.
Funny thing is, I don't know why they form and fall from my eyes.
It's like a really bad surprise, man time really flies by when you're that one guy who genuinely wants to die but doesn't want to try it, because people constantly babble on about how great life can be, and all you want to do is be free and see the beauty everyone raves on about, and you scream and shout, and curse the drought in you heart, the pain that a little bit of rain could wash away, even if just for a day.
I'm running out of hope.
Bit it's not that bad,
being constantly sad.
I think I've just gone a little mad, is all.

if I scream my rage at the heavens,
will a star burn brighter for it?
will the gods look below themselves,
and pity my mortality and the sincerity of my dismay?
when will the day come where my rage will age into oblivion,
and grow tired of the havoc it wreaks on my life?
why are my days so filled with despair and strife?
will the forces of nature see me for who I really am,
a man seeking the feeling of happiness?
all I can do is shout my wrath at the sky
and hope that when I lay my woes to rest and die,
that the vast nothingness of death will be kinder to me than life ever was

It's 1 AM
I'm feeling bad
My brain fights my heart
I'm getting sad
I go through this over and over,
again and again,
the tale of a lost lover and words he never said
I glorify my mistakes, forget myself as a disgrace
The wheels of thoughts turn in my head
I constantly wish I was dead
Not in like a death wanting way,
but more like to catch my breath for a day
and waste away to nothing.
I'm out of hope, I'm at the end of my rope.
I like her.
I shouldn't.
But I do.
I keep her close, but never close enough.
I made promises, and keeping them is tough.
My head swirls with emotions conflicting and shifting,
every day brings new pain in a subtle way.
Give me a resason to love the seasons,
because I've lost mine.