The way he touched me
when we first got serious
was much different from how
he touched me at the end
of it all.

His hands used to be soft
and his eyes drank in
every curve of my body,
every freckle of my skin.
He would look up at me like
I was a new adventure,
and I knew that this whole
night of romance was for me-
he wanted me to really feel
how much he cherished me.

I miss those days
immensely.

At the end his hands were
much more rough,
his eyes averted mine.
He couldn't see me as a treasure-
I was just flesh under his own.
It became all about his lust,
his desperateness to feel something real.

And that night that held
a surprise showing of
grins and grimaces and
a couple almost-kisses,
it felt like home.
I am terrified to remember
that night because
I realized something:
His fingers grazed my skin
like they did
in the beginning,
he looked at me like I was new.

It's terrifying because
the only thing holding me together
is knowing that the boy I love
is nothing like the boy I left.
And now that I caught that glimpse,
and now that I know he's
exactly the same as he used to be,
my head is spinning and
my heart spasms in pain.
I was wrong and there are no words
to describe how sad that makes me.

But I made the choice
to walk away from the confusion
for enough time to realize
that I'm okay with being alone.

And even if I were to find someone new,
I would always feel like I was cheating,
like anything I could ever feel
for someone else
would be a lie.
And even if I were to be with him again,
I would feel like I was doing him
a disservice,
like even if I was loving him,
I still wouldn't be genuine enough
to make him feel loved.
I will always and forever feel like
I am cheating on the man I love.

And that's the price I will pay
for the immense disservice
I have already paid him.

With the scars on your skin
With your soul wearing thin
All the places you've been
I love you still

With the hurt in your eyes
With your fear of goodbyes
Every time that you cry
I love you still

With your delicate heart
With your mind torn apart
I will never part
I love you still

With your aching soul
With your empty holes
When you're losing control
I love you still

With you life turning black
With you wanting you back
When your heart starts to crack
I love you still

With a smile that fades
With the choices you've made
When your hopes float away
I love you still

Music thumps
bass booming through your feet
into your heart
and out to your fingers
that grip your flimsy red cup
filled to the brim with froth
like the room
filled with people
and lots of air
that's filled with sweat and voices
that smell like the alcohol
that no longer sits in the bottles and cans
you see covering every surface
you walk from group to group
taking and adding to each conversation
that passes through your clouding mind
that is still watching
that girl flip her hair
as she talks to the boy
that has his hand
on the *** of another girl
who's laughing with the people
she would never talk to
if she wasn't holding
that cup
that matches yours
and his
and hers
and theirs
that slosh over a little when they
dance all close and grimy
because our culture promotes
flippancy
which feels a lot like
fun
and you're not quite sure
how you've noticed that
everyone is leveled
because they're so
high on life and love
and drinks and drugs
and it doesn't quite make sense
but you come to the conclusion
in your mildly impaired state
that all that stuff in movies
isn't all that fake
No, it's just High School

If we only have a second
That’s all I’ll ever
Need

To kiss you on the mouth
& stalk your light
as if a moth

If we only have a minute
That’s all I’ll ever
Need

To murmur in your ear
a melody
of why I love you dear

If we only have an hour
That’s all I’ll ever
Need

To pull you in to dance
& teach you
of romance

If we only have a day
That’s all I’ll ever
Need

To sweep you off your feet
& parade
you down the street

If we only have a lifetime
That’s all I’ll ever
Need

To cherish you day by day
until
we’re old and grey

Another feather ripped from your wings
You're silenced as you try so sing
Why are some of them so mean
     No one hears you when you
     scream
Questions crowd your head
Wishing you were dead
Think of things you said
Out comes the red
Why this time
I thought you promised
But when have you ever
Been honest
Cold blade breaks skin
       They don't see the trouble
       you're in
Because you're life feels worthless
Touching to be thin
You regret all of the places you've been
You've been holding it all in
Your finger slips down your throat as you try to get rid of your mistakes
They make a pile in front of you
   And they'll never know what
   you go through
The mirror is a death sentence
As your self-worth lessens
Visions deceiving
You're no longer eating
     But nobody's seeing your life
     Is a mess
You're in distress
Stressed out
Need to shout
Or cry
But you really want to try
To get better
To heal up
But you effort is not enough


*Help them oh God please lend them the strength
Please show them the truth and your love and it's lengths

When I tell you that I miss you, you should know that I'm lying. I don't miss you, I miss the shivers I used to get every time you touched me I miss the way you used to hold my hand and play with my hair but I don't miss you. I miss your drunken calls at 3 AM in the morning telling me that you've had it with the life and me I miss how I drove you out of you mind and back to your senses every time I'd gaze into your eyes. I miss how you would drop everything every time I asked you to come over I miss how you made your whole world revolve around me but I don't miss you. I miss the late nights of ***** and cigarettes by the beach and how we used lay there just like little children so innocently till the sun rises. I miss the feeling you used to give me I miss how you made my heart beat out of my chest I miss every single little detail of what we had but hell, I don't miss you.

If a writer tells you it's not you it's him
don't argue and believe him
you see the thing about writers is that
just like the waves of the sea they're never stable they crash into themselves trying to keep what's left of their sanity you'll think that they have this perfect life because they write so perfectly but you're wrong because most writers don't believe in perfection they believe in the power of absolute madness and other writers don't even know what to believe in and when they fall they don't simply fall in love they lose control and fall recklessly like there's no tomorrow they can make you the happiest person alive they will revolve their existence around you they will feed on your love and breathe you in they'll want you and all of you to them only because they'll become somehow selfish when it comes to you and you should never forget that you're the source of their happiness and without you they will never be whole they'll write russian novels about you and fifty pages of describing the beauty of your soul they'll make you the most beautiful thing they'll make you heaven walking on earth with their words and poems they'll make you alive but if you ever hurt them you'll be done gone forever you won't exist anymore even if you screamed for your existence right in front of their eyes they'll scratch you from the poems and all the love letters and you will become a nothing but a hovering memory of a ghost and even if you beg and plead on your knees they will never be the same because when writers have broken hearts they end up with broken souls that will never stop writing about the pain and agony you caused so when a writer tells you it's not you it's him just pick up your stuff and leave.