I feel like I am living inside of my worst nightmare’s fever dreams,
I’ve been dreaming for better days,
I’ve been hoping the feeling might stay

Or, go away, whatever is better,
I can’t make up my mind on what happiness could and should be,
I’ve been too busy hoping for something,
I’m not sure what, though

When my mother looked at me with tears in her eyes when the latest celebrity killed themselves, and asked me if that’s how I feel sometimes,
I didn’t really know what to say

I remember being 8 years old and telling my mother that I was afraid to go to the swimming pool because I did not know how to swim

I never learned how to swim and I do not know how to tell that to my mother

None of my friends ever learned how to swim either and I guess you could say that we just never learned how to hold our breaths long enough to notice any difference

Around here, where everything is so underwater, where everyone you talk to is so under the weather,
It’s hard to keep any of it under the radar,
We do not know how to swim and we do not know how to tell our mothers

So instead, we crowd into our cars, roll the windows down, crank up the radio, and enjoy the air that we have, hoping that if there is a God, they are enjoying the company with us

We just have to learn how to turn the wasps in our heads into bumblebees,
Pollinate the dead flowers regardless of if they have any life left,
Dance in the rain like everyone is watching,
And not care if our guardian angels get embarrassed for us,
I might be a little crazy, we all might be a little crazy,
I haven’t quite decided yet

None of us are going to make it out alive here, so let’s just drown our brains in antidepressants and good memories, we have to block out the bad ones somehow

When I killed myself to be someone who was wanted by everyone, I never imagined that I would end up right here

Next to you, asleep, at 1 o clock in the morning,
My arm around your back, feeling every crease that your body tries so desperately to hide away from the surface,
You, fast asleep, how beautiful your eyelids look when they’re closing the world off for you while you come to grips with living this way,
And yeah, It’s a beautiful feeling

I never knew I could love like this

Like you, you’re such a beautiful feeling,
Every word that comes out from your lips and your tongue, it all flows so naturally,
I was never convinced that naturally love should feel like this,
I taught myself to love hard and fast and never slow down, like everyone else that came before you,
But don’t get me wrong, your sunlight eyes and flower tipped nose look very nice in my garden, and I think I’ll keep you around for some seasons,
Which is to say, I hope this feeling never dies

When I told you that I wrote poetry, I hesitated to do so because I knew that no poem I could write could possibly do anything about you justice,
I mean just look at you,
Everything about you is a poem written from all of my favorite poets

I never knew I could love like this

My heart, a puzzle, missing all of the pieces,
I’m starting to think that maybe none of them were missing, they just needed someone with patience, someone who wants to look at the bigger picture,
I found you,
Just like a missing puzzle piece,
I’m not saying I need you to fix me,
You’re just doing a really wonderful job at showing me how beautiful my clouds look while they’re next to the blue pieces

Your kisses, small and sweat like Reese’s Pieces, this wouldn’t be a love poem if some of things I said weren’t cheesy,
I guess to top it all off I could say that living and loving with you is easy peazy, your flavor makes my heart clean and washes away the bitter, no lemon squeazy

I never knew I could love like this

Bad puns and “that was a good one”’s aside

We got a good thing going

Let’s keep it that way, dream girl

Before I knew that I could fall in love with another boy,
I had already had those feelings stolen out from underneath my feet

50 years old cold and old with a lust for blood,
and innocence,
At 16 years old there wasn’t even a whole lotta innocence left in him,
But he worked and moved in places that felt like dark alleyways,
and promises that seemed too good to be able to break,
The way his tongue slithered out from underneath the church pews,
looking to lap up whatever he seemed to have missed from his youth

I remember the first time I went to therapy,
the way that my therapist kept asking me if I was confused about my sexuality,
It shouldn’t have started like that

Wrinkly, angry, and full of adrenaline, young in the head and sick in his veins,
He liked to touch them,
He liked to hold them,
His eyes always matching theirs,
he made it perfectly clear that he’s not looking for a fight,
he’s already fighting,
and he knows he’s going to win

I’m not a religious person, but I believe the devil comes to all of us in different ways,
Sometimes beautiful and forgivable,
Other times in a black t shirt and a pair of nikes, disgustingly promising,
a place to make you feel comfortable

We let so many people use our bodies to prove their points, it’s so exhausting,
I can’t tell the difference anymore between wolves and sheep,
But I know that he’s a wolf,
And I know that no one listens to a boy who cries ****,
And the blood is always going to be there,
The alcoholic breaths taken deep into lungs that promise to carry on, are always going to be there,
The hatred and phobia of old men with mustaches and eyes that look just a little too inviting,
is always going to be there

Your Innocence is always going to be there, just don’t let anyone convince you that they can steal it from you

We are more than their torn muscles and “really, I’m a nice guy”s,
More than their “I’ve never done this before”s,
More than their “You don’t have to mention this to anyone”s,
More than what we think we deserve,
More than what love used to mean to us

We don’t have to love like that anymore,
Our bodies are new,
Not used anymore, but brand new,

We just have to teach our bones how to use the beautiful new skin that they’ve worked hard for

So to the man who taught me how to love myself,
You are nothing more than a distant memory I’ll continue to pack into the bag of luggage I carry and unload when I need to remind myself that I am more than whatever you made me think I was

I forgive you, but only because I forgive myself

I no longer watch sunsets through my rear view mirror because I realize that I don’t have anything to run from anymore,
In fact, some nights I work it out in a way to make it seem like I’m driving away into the sunset because everyone deserves their own happy endings

My bones aren’t made of paper anymore so please stop writing on them with your curse words and forced apologies,
My skin doesn’t need to feel bad anymore,
My skin is the new sun, haven’t you heard?
It’s warm and shiny and when it dies it isn’t going to go into a trash can,
it’s going to burst into the biggest fire imaginable,
and it’s going to burn out of here,
it’s all I’ve ever wanted

My blood is sweet tea that you have no business drinking anymore,
My body is a kitchen full of pots and pans that I finally get the chance to cook with,
and they don’t rattle inside of me and keep me up at night anymore,
And I’m full of spices that I’ve been too afraid to try,
until now,
My arms and legs are windows and the clouds and birds love seeing them most days,
they love it too

My words are natural again,
It feels good to let them out, like I actually mean to say the things I say,
I’ve forgotten what that’s like

I still get angry sometimes,
The difference now is that I don’t feel the need to be angry at you anymore

We need to stop making ourselves homes for other people,
We need to tuck ourselves in instead,
We’ll dream much more vividly that way and the first cup of coffee of the next morning will taste so much better

It’s been two decades and I’m still sweating out this fever

My eyes haven’t stopped watering since my family tree fell over,
branch by branch we collapsed into the river,
rushing faster and faster to mutually assured destruction,
no one is getting out alive here

No one is getting out alive here in this world,
so we might as well get it while the going is going because one day the going is going to stop and we’ll be left holding on to as much as we can,
We’ll feel so sorry for ourselves then

I’ve walked with snakes on my shoulders for as long as I can remember,
All my hearing has amounted to hisses,
and all of my bones have broken to bend and expand to hold all of the feelings I’ve eaten

Made love with the ****** and prayed to every angel I’ve seen in my paralysis,
In my dreams I see flowers,
Red like blood,
but clean like a mended heart,
Slowly but surely I’ll likely tear myself apart

But I like it like this,
It gives me a reason to wonder,
and wander,
So I’ll continue to wonder,
and wander

We all just drink to get drunk,
We’re all just ghosts without a house to haunt,
I’ve been feeling this sickness creep up into my throat,
and it’s been drying to get out, and I think I’ll let it

I’m still learning what falling in love feels like,
Still coming to grips with realities that don’t involve bruised eyelids and unforgivable I told you so’s,
Sometimes it feels like I’m coming to the end of my rope but then it frays all over again and I’m stuck trying to wind it back up,
How selfish to think I can fix something that’s too broken

Cut to my grandmother getting dolled up for her closeup because the church taught her how to become her own messiah, now she doesn’t know how to love the right way,
I’m starting to think that none of us do

I’m starting to run with the wolves,
The moon speaks in tongues to me,
I keep asking her to take me back where I belong,
Every painting hanging in my room is blank,
Blank and powerful,
but afraid,
I’m starting to think we all are

I’ve been sweating everything out,
It’s taking longer than I want it to

I just hope that by the time I’m laying on my deathbed,
I’ll be as dry as this all bled me

It feels like I was born in Cassadaga Florida on June 1st 1997,
at 10 o clock at night during a full blood moon,
immediately baptized in fire and forgiveness up to my neck and down to my toes,
see all my life it feels like I’ve been flying,
whether it be in or out, between or through, either way, in some way,
I kinda feel unstoppable, kinda feel immeasurable,

The way the walls look at me inside of every room I walk into,
It makes me feel like I know too much,
like I talk too much,
or maybe I let everyone else talk too much for me,
I can’t tell the difference anymore

My great grandpa used to talk to the dead,
or maybe he was just having dinner with his angels

Every time my best friend takes acid, all he can think about is nuclear war,
maybe it’s some kind of sign for us,
like every time I look at a clock, all I can see is my life flashing back and forth projected onto a screen behind me,
covering my entire body

I take medication now, we all take some kind of medication now,
I call mine “better”,
but only until now have I not realized that it’s possible to overdose on “better”,
so I take “better” and “better” until it feels like if happiness were an ocean and I chained “better” to my ankle like it were an anchor,
and threw myself into happiness without any oxygen tanks

The way the ghosts blow through my bones, like they’re trying to weave miracles in my skin, so that when I talk, I still get a chance to feel like I mean something

I’m not saying that I think I’m made of magic, I’m just saying that I’m trying to be

there’s enough significance in the fire to feel like the burns your skin have suffered will heal into beauty one day, if you try to believe hard enough

the ground doesn’t have room for all of our bodies, so we can’t help but wonder sometimes,

just how far the dead can walk

it’s amazing how far we can take ourselves,
especially when we stop trying to stop ourselves,
especially when we stop trying to apologize to ourselves for everything that we think we need to become, but haven’t yet,
yeah, I know sometimes it hurts to feel alone,
sometimes it hurts to feel alone,
feel alone,
but, hold on a second
please, would you just, hold on a minute,
wait for my cue

at the count of three we are going to convince ourselves that everything around us is on fire, even though it’s not,
pretend that the world revolves around everything besides us, even though it doesn’t,
it revolves around us,
because if it didn’t,
we wouldn’t be here,
everything wouldn’t spin all the time,
we wouldn’t have to have this talk,
everyone would just smile all the time

I just left my family’s Easter dinner without saying goodbye because I couldn’t help but smile the whole time,
even though it felt like my whole body was a bear trying to rip through my bones like they were some kind of bear trap,
didn’t tell my grandma I loved her,
didn’t tell my cousin congratulations,
didn’t tell my uncle I missed him,
didn’t take a breath in my niece’s direction,
didn’t say anything,
just sat there, quiet, waiting for the perfect opportunity to leave

and on the drive back home, I listened to even sadder music, and cried, loudly, I can’t wait for the day that crying goes out of style,
can’t wait for the day that we go back to normal,
whatever that means

but I promise I’m taking the steps accordingly, finally going to therapy, on Thursday

we have so much to talk about,
why do we make ourselves so quiet