I leave a trail of blood behind me as i travel along.
There's no safe sense, No security.
I search for the solution,
A solution to cleanse these blood soaked hands.
To no avail I'm left searching,
High and low, over and under,
In front and behind.

I leave my problems buried under the ashes
Of the cigarettes i smoke.
They'll resurface and chase me.
Just as the sun will rise to chase the moon.
The ghosts haunt and taunt me.
Lurking around every corner,
Mocking,
They're laughing at me.
They watch my every move,
Spit and strike when I'm in the gravel and dirt.
I'm trying to pull myself to my feet.
One pushing up, another hundred pushing down.

I'm still looking for that clarity.
That secure feeling.
If time has shown me anything,
It's that everything is unstable and uncertain.
A broken spirit can sink lower.
There aren't limits.
Only the limits we choose,
and choices are infinite and narrow.
And seldom do we ever put the whole picture into consideration

...The blood will absorb into my skin.
Will never wear and will never fade.
Nothing more than a symbol,
A constant reminder of the lives I've touched,
The lives I've scarred.

A solid state of remorse and guilt.
Can i endure the struggle?
We'll have to continue to watch from the sidelines.
As transparent spectators.
If you fall behind, just follow the ruby river.
Rest assured I'll be at the mouth of it.
Manning the helm of the sullen vessel.

Lets watch the future approach with such a wickedness and
Never peel our eyes away from the unraveling of
A man's life
A man's soul
A man's spirit.

I immerse myself in literary marvels and self-loathed poems
Any brilliance found in my work ,
Is in the space between words and the gaps between the lines.
Silence is golden.
I survive by breaking the golden rule...

...I want to take you everywhere I've been.
To have you look through these eyes,
The filtered images through liquidized eyes
Accompanied by ghastly thoughts.
Come onto this roller coaster ride.
Battle my demons.
Try to win...

How long can i endure?
I've buried them so many times.
The zombies and ghosts travel in my shadows,
Lightly and ever so softly
Pushing nails into my brain.
Showing me picture shows of beautiful stories.
Stories of love and companionship,
And spirit crushing images of a slow dissipation of lives...

---- Welcome to my dementia ---

...The outer limits of a young boys mind
A ****** in a devirginized world.
Dancing on forbidden ideas.
Lusting for a sense of belonging and genuine companionship.
A world of electric monologues and synthetic laughter.
The well has dried up and i thirst,
I thirst for sincerity.

Pull the trigger and land the bullet
Into the mental membrane.
Punch a hole right through it.
Become the catalyst for a revolution.
Let the light in to melt the wax exterior.
To enable a freedom long since forgotten.

Let them breath...

Let them breed.

Sitting here i suddenly realized
It's oh so clear to me
The wools been lifted from my eyes
And it's oh so plain to see

The lives we live
The things we give
Have no meaning
Can't stop this screaming
You screamed at me this lullaby
But i can't sleep until your throat is  dry

Incapable of making an sound
You still manage to bring me down
If i loved myself as much as i loved you
Then i wouldn't be wishing to become someone new

A few hours have passed
And i'm still sitting here
I have a brief moment of clarity
As i drink my warm beer

The things we do
The things we use
We lose everything
Left with nothing

And i screamed at you until my throat was dry
With nothing left to say "Goodbye"
If i loved myself as much as i loved you
Then i wouldn't be wishing to become someone new

And in an instant
What we thought was permanent
No longer existant

Just another day and i still feel the same
Trapped in my room with the demon in my head
The boredom sets in, give it to me again
Hit the devil's slopes one more time
Just one more line to speak...

"I want something better, something stronger
Something that will last longer.
What is it? What will fill this desire?
What do i need?
Something new and exciting to fuel this fire
Something new to bleed."

Same routine day in, day out
There's no escape or hope of getting out

The marks i leave, no one will see
No one will know the things I'll be
The things that i do, no one will know
No one will know the places i go
No one will know

There used to be a purpose
But its gone now
Used to be a reason to try
But its flown away now
There used to be something inside
Its empty and hollow now
There used to be something
Now its gone

Stranded in the desert sands of time
White as the devil's snow
And i ask for one more line...

"Let me have have that feeling of fulfillment,
Pride and accomplishment.
Before I die and perish,
Before i throw my life on this silver dish.
Just let me have that feeling one last time."

I'm not much of a man
If man is only as good as his word
The early bird gets the worm
But it only takes one stone to **** two birds

In my time i will build a chapel
It will only have enough room for me
If you could mend a broken person
All i ask is could you fix me

Its all gone away
Done that way
Not my choice to choose
Not my choice to lose
What i held so dear
To be removed
and succumb to fear

You look at me with disgust
As i inhaled that devils dust
But the boredom still remains
And its just another day

There will another morning
When there isn't
There will be no mourning
I'll be gone away from here
From what i held so dear

Again i ask for one more line
I promise i won't ask again...

"Please. Oh please
Just let me be forgotten."

I can't carry the worlds weight on my shoulders
I'm the monkey and you're my master
You keep me chained to this ***** grinder
Turning the crank you're my biggest debt collector
How much do i owe you? I cant seem to remember

And I can't keep dancing
Picking up change that people throw
And I cant keep trying
To squeeze blood from a stone

Please can you spare some change?
Any amount will do
You and me we are the same
I'm a stranger just like you

I'm gonna purchase my ticket
Down at the liquor store
I'm gonna sail the amber seas
'Til i reach the floor

Baby please stop pulling these reigns
Can't you see that I've already stopped
You've sewn all of my seeds
And then you burned all the crops

Ending each night with lethal doses
Between the rubber hoses
And the ****** noses
Baby tell me how am i to pretend
It's all wine and roses

I traded all my dollars for
A hot shot in the rain
And you know you should never trust
A man who's wearing
A ball and chain

Just spare me a pittance
You can hold onto your pity
You know one of the days
I'll be a grease spot on this city

And if i died
Two weeks from today
You can rest easy knowing
I wanted it that way

Eternally, I'm yours
We only communicate through closed doors
Communication failure, what is left?
Anything to say? Another breath?

Will our love live to see another day?

Eternally, I'm grieving
I'm still broken
Having trouble believing
The words spoken

I gravitate towards you
Your beauty always radiates
Turn the grayest skies blue
And i cannot escape

...Even if i wanted to

Release me from this spell
Free me from this mental hell
How I'll never tell
Break me out of this shell

My personal demons are breeding
Spreading diseased thought
They're eating away my mind
I can't get out of these tangled knots

I lose myself in dreams
The closest to death i can get
With memories from a time long ago
With a pain I'll never forget

...If I can escape...If I could escape...

If you could find truth anywhere,
Let it be
In the words that expel from me
It's all i have left to give
It's all i have left to live

The colors are changing before my eyes
Turning red and orange under gray skies
As dull as life and as vibrant as death
I live on the thought of my last breath

The land is barren
Only the dead grow
Expanding indefinitely
In magnificent columns and rows

I'll take my rightful place among them
Not as a diamond in the rough
But an undiscovered gem

Under the darkened sky
Underneath the cellar door
Where expired death row victims fry
In a pool of blood on the floor

With the rest of my spinal remains
A trail of organs and dismembered brains

This is what lies in the subconscious mind
Awakened by the eyes of a special breed
Strong convictions to lies not, not of a blasphemous kind
As we watch the ideas bleed

This is what lies behind the cellar door
Would you like to see more?
If you can see through the tears
Learn to embrace the fears

Everything will be just fine once you're able to look behind the cellar door