Those quiet moments
When I’ve laid awake all night
And life has swallowed everyone up for the day
And the voices in my head
Are wave over wave
Self-loathing lashes over love of others
And those I love distantly
Are more distant than before
And I meditate on my life
And my map is smeared with tears
****, I knew where I was going
But now the route has faded from the paper.

In my hands I feel skin
Warm and alive
I feel a soft, contented smile
Pressed against my lips
I can almost see them, smell them
This other
The being that completes the circuit
So there can finally be light in my eyes

They say
"Your somebody’s out there, waiting just for you."
Pretty words
Meaningless
From birth I’ve been marked
Many have loved my mind
Many have loved my heart
Few have ever loved me

So every time someone says “I love you.”
I put those words in the closet with the rest
That spilled from the lips of maybe, possibly, not really lovers
I know what they see
What they see in my eyes, feel coursing through my veins
The evils of two families I never asked to be born into
But I pay the penalty for their carnal sins
If you’re born of monsters, what does that make you?

Those quiet moments
Each day that rolls by
And the earth keeps turning
And I can feel the cobwebs on my skin
The dust powdering my hair
The rust corroding my unembracing arms
Each day, another day another day another day
Each one same as the last
Laughter and smiles, I play the puppet
And oh how I dance
A performance so convincing
I almost believe it myself

Those quiet moments
When make-believe is better than reality
Escaping into my mind
Hour after hour
Where I’m the victor
And to me go the spoils
Crimson rubies and honey gold
Lavish and adored
Fought over and fought for
Then real life comes shrieking in
And all the pretty gilded things turn to sand
And I feel so old, like I’ve lived three lifetimes in one

In these quiet moments
I wish it’d all just be

Quiet

I just want to go home.
The home of my childhood.
Where I was loved
Where I dreamed
Where my future was an open book
Where a friendly voice was a phone call away
When I used to read fairy tales
And still believed they could come true
When my heart was too innocent
To see the ugliness other saw
When they looked at me

Those lazy days when the world seemed warm
And the sun was close enough to touch
And lollipops tasted like freedom
When I was my mother’s daughter
And still daddy’s little girl
And my brother’s favorite little sister
When people still lived
Who were happy that I was alive
Days before the cold hand of death
Rested upon my shoulder
And whispered softly in my ear
"Come home, child come home.
I have claimed all those who love you.
Accept my embrace
And you will embrace them once more.”

Days before my seventh year
Standing before the knife drawer
Blade in my hand
Aimed at my heart
Praying
"Please, God, give the the strength
Just to push it in
Just through the skin
Then deeper and deeper
Through me and through me
Never stopping until the pain ebbs away.”

Or maybe
Let me stand beside that broken girl
Kiss her fat tear stained cheeks
Whisper softly in her ear
"Do not be afraid, I’ll be strong enough for both of us."
And grip her trembling hand
Press the blade through her and through her
And hold her close as we both
Correct my parents’ greatest mistake
And most profound failure

I want to go home.
I want to go home.