you and he/him are different people *

consumed in perpetual darkness
deep down i feel i’ll always be heartless
you’re like the cut to my throat and
your words are the poison infecting my soul
you are the veil blinding me and
your presence is the thick pain coursing through my veins until i become too weak to stabilize myself
lies freeze on the brim of your lips
still windless breath
remembering broken promises with burning eyes
consciousness does make for poor windows

but every time i saw him its like he was shining
so blinding
the hands of october, gray and wide
the autumn moon had tipped and spilled the contents of my being
but every time i thought of him it's like i could
reach up and cut off the edges of stars and
repair now-open scars and
wrench off the bars that hold people captive
time inevitably passes and i stand here alone
i want to scream the words that can't ever seem to escape my mouth
with a gasp of air i want to release myself from a dream that never ceases
mindless and doubt-ridden
i follow my thoughts around like an ellipsis at the end of a sentence
i trail after them into that deep place i can't even describe anymore
a place where i can't even breathe anymore

when i think of beautiful things, he comes to mind
i remember conversations that never happened
oversleeping on the bed of my lungs
i wanted to rip off the muzzle on his face that bore silence and
lead him from the grin of eternity
i could’ve whispered him out of star dust
against the twilight and set him free
and i made a mistake while my heart was breaking
i wanted everything to be perfect
and nothing can be perfect
i watched his eyes walk away and i couldnt even see him
i ache inside while i wait for a breath to take

i feel guilt like the blind wolf with
foggy, restless breath
and you can only imagine it's imploring eyes
what will i do when your body gives up to the grave?
and when i’m still afraid of what comes tomorrow

invisible hands caress my face
fingers curling around my thoughts and nesting unthinkables
why do i exist?
to just listen to your commands and demands?
am i supposed to choke down your venom with a glass of water?
your escaped worlds and flesh’s rage
sometimes i feel you’re exacted by your faith
maybe you were born to live in the sky
floating through timeless winds without ever
a single good-bye
i fall down stairs that are nothing but air
the sun falls under the horizon
just like your soul

the architecture of my thinking leads me to him
i miss his smile and the cool hand that encircles mine
i need him to split me open and dig inside and grasp my heart
i need him to know the thoughts i hide
he held my heart like the barren serenity of the desert
i drown in memories of him
i lie gently on the cold, dark earth
knowing i’ll have to crawl home
the moon rises --
the glorious lamp of night skies

he’ll rest in soft peace
with all the words
i never got around to say
i breathe in a breath of life
i hear sad, endless rain through the thick dark

it’s yours.

an empty corpse
parading around in the snow
this worry has me in a choke hold
the demons tell me everything
they whisper in the night
when i can't keep my facade alive.

and i could’ve been anything
next fall, won't be here
bleed red, four doors in the hall
but i met four ghosts in the room
and i could’ve been there
dead girl, my soul is amiss
flushed skin, x type of a kiss
rather hate you
than face the abyss
i place blame for this ****
rather be dead, dull blades on my wrist
you're ******* with my head
get dead, that’s the gist
you can see it on me, i'm ******
lost in the mist, mouth full of ****
pick a daffodilly, so pretty at this
at the rope, then he jumped
said all he needed was a brick?

i advise you to not hide your feelings
don't pretend to be okay when you're not okay
don't pretend to be happy when you're sad
it'll only lead to your misery

don't you ******* hate it when you hear my name?
i feel the same and when you hear this
you gonna feel the pain
and all these girls that you ******* with to get away
but i know you think about it almost everyday
and i'll be honest
i get jealous of those girls, true
how are you feeling' with those girls that you talk to?
captivated by your mind and your walk too
can't replace you with these guys that i talk to
this isn't lust, it's love
we had trust, what's good?
i should've held you close
should've kept you warm
and when the rain is falling, wonder who you call
don't pray to god, you'd rather cry than call
don't jump
pretend it don't hurt
repent, i won't stomp my feet in a rage
i need you and i crave you, hate you
think i ripped the wings off of my ******* angel

i'll forever be the elephant in the room
i'll always love you
i'm sorry

and i'm always where the sun don't shine
the tears don't show
it won't hurt me now
heart's been broken
i hate myself, but
it won't show
i constantly lose it all
my remorse
and it's ten for the wolf and
three for the shepherd
and it's one for the sheep who
led by your leopard
often gave his perception as a handle of weapon
took a bite of your apple
give me all you can offer
now i'm trapped in a changing maze
setting my soul ablaze
couldn't control the pace
where is this going?
hey, heartless is recklessness
it's word of a pacifist to war of a *******
i'm off of the map
my lord, i spoke to a baphomet,
he said he would save me if
i gave him one thing he needed
"what is this thing?", i pleaded;
"girl, it's the key to eden"
and as i spoke, my fangs were shown
taken aback, he smiles and tells me
"what you crave will soon be yours
but what i crave is already mine"
libera anima vestra
libera aniMA VESTRA
libERA ANIMA VESTRA
LIBERA ANIMA VESTRA!

walked home alone
today, in the slight drizzle
the soggy yellow and brown leaves
sticking to my shoes
i looked at them the whole way

and i came to a deep bank
and i imagined my pale body
lifeless, among the broken limbs
empty trees, and accumulated rotting foliage.
and there would be me:
the putrescence of my carcass
of my remains.

and i can't get it out of my head.