i bought a cactus
the summer of my
eighteenth birthday

i picked it up from
the local nursery and
cradled it all the way to
my car so that it wouldn't
fall to the concrete

i had only just met the little guy
and i didn't want to lose him the
day i finally got him

it is quite stupid to buy and
name a cactus but
i felt very attached to the small
succulent that occupied the
left corner of my bedside table

it was a cute little cactus with
orange on his top and a long
green stalk with spikes poking out

i felt pretty satisfied because
even looking at this plant
made me smile

taking care of this cactus
gave me something to do
and it kept my mind off of you
for a while

maybe i connected with this plant

maybe i felt like i was the plant

i sure do feel like the plant

trapped

growing

pokey

all adjectives aside i still
am very much addicted to
caring for my little cactus

if it lasts through the summer
then maybe
i can too

all i think about
is art
and your fingers on my thighs
all i think about
is your fingers
and your art on my thighs
play connect the dots with my freckles
pull my hair with your teeth
whisper into my neck with
false promises of glory and
paradise in your bedroom
i cant think of anything but
your art
and your fingers
its just pencil on paper
its just your fingers on skin
but its trapped in my brain
like a loop
im on a carousel of daydreams
pull me out and lift me up
and rest me on your chest
so i can play
connect the dots with your freckles
ill find the constellations that
nature painted on your skin
youre my starry starry night
let me pretend to be an astronomer
ill play
connect the dots
with your
freckles

i wish my name was
matilda or something that
sounded beautiful when said by
a starbucks barista or
a boy with rustled brown hair
who loved me

if my name were
matilda maybe i would be
someone better who
didnt hurt people who cared about her
and didnt lie about
how they really felt

i wish my name was
matilda because i have already
tarnished the name that i was
supposed to make great and be proud of
my name isnt matilda
but i wish it was

to be in love
is to love a man
who lived in the past

he is on the far right in
that photo of your grandfather and
his platoon from
the vietnam war

he is a stranger to you yet
he is strong
worldly
a hero

he is dead

but you are in love

to be in love
is to love a man you
have made up in your head
to be more to you
than they truly are

i fell into you like water
you are the ocean and i make the waves that push and pull
i forget the last time someone made me feel like i was a child
as if the world was too big but i could still touch each corner
like the flowers grow in plain sight and we watch them until our eyes grow tired
i pretend that we are one in the same
like vines tangled in each other as they crawl up the side of my old house
ill send you postcards from the sky as you look up at the stars and see my face

i fell into you like water
but it never felt like drowning
you pulled me under and wrapped me up in the seaweed
told me it was okay to take a deep breath
your love is like the gills i cannot grow
and breathing under water is as easy as learning to walk

i fell into you like water
and you are the one who taught me how to swim

i always forget that
the people that artists
sing and write about
are real

they ordered coffee next to me
they sold you your favorite book
they smiled at you in passing
they handed you a coupon on the street
they stood next to you in an elevator

they are real

i want to be the person you
write about
the person who becomes my next
favourite character
or subject in a song

i want to be special enough that
maybe one day
someone will care enough about me
to make me last forever
in their art

he looked at me like
there were stars in my eyes
and he wished on them whenever
the edges wrinkled with laughter

he listened to me like
there were flowers in my words
and he picked them all and put them
in a vase in his bedroom

he looked at me like
there was love in his heart
and he said that it was too much
for him to handle

so he flew away

Saying your name makes my tongue burn
And I wish that I could float above you like
The smoke that flows out of your mouth
And I wish that saying my name made
Your lungs itch and hurt and flare up
I want to watch you sleep and breathe
I want you to miss me and the way I smell
One day we will look back on this and
Feel absolutely nothing but the ache
Will somehow never leave our tired bodies
I feel so stupid when I sit by my window
And think about the way your fingers felt
When they touched my cheek
I feel so stupid when I think about your
Stupid fingers because they felt cold then
And they still feel cold now
I hate this so much
I hate you so much
I hate myself so much
I wish I missed you
I wish you missed me please
Please please please please
Come back
Please I'm begging you to listen to me
Please

"you are so pretty" he says to me but
i wish i was beautiful
"you are so pretty, like the flowers"
but i do not want to be a flower
i want to be the stars
i want to be the ocean
i want to be a sunset
i want to put him in awe of my wonder
"you are so pretty, like the rain" but
i want to be the thunder that shakes your heart and body
i want to be the lightening that cracks you in half
i don't want to make you smile
i want to make you scream
i want to be beautiful
so beautiful that you cry and wish
there was nothing else to look at
pretty girls do not make you cry
they make you sad when they leave
and they break your heart with their
soft eyes and warm touch
i am not pretty
i am so ugly

i want to be beautiful

i know im not pretty like the rest
im not fit like the best
i didnt reach my fullest-
potential

my words aren't as strong
and my torsos not as long
im not like the others

those girls who are smart
who are thin
who are both
who are in
who have  

those boys who are hot
who are kind
who are both
who aren't mine

i don't laugh like they do
im not loud im not squealing
im the girl who can even reel you in
to focus on what im saying that
i love you

but im not like the rest
the girls who i know will fit you best
cos im not like those girls but i wish i was
because those are girls theyre ones you love
who squeal and are smart and thin and beautiful
who are everything you want and
deserve and need

and im not one of
those girls

its 3am and i cant stop thinking about
your stupid ******* face and the way that
your glasses hung onto your nose and
your soft smile which you told me was fake
because you really hated what was behind it
i felt you inside of me like a ******* lung
like you were the lost part of me that
i was struggling to survive without
im on your ***** waiting list
move me up and down with the
flick of your magic pen
its so insane how i can look back
at all of the stupid **** i said to you
thinking that i was so profound and
prophetic like i could fix you
let me be your keeper instead
ill be your martyr
you said i spoke like rain well
i wish i spoke like thunder so you would
cower under the sheets thinking that
my words would crash down on you
any second of any day
if youll be my rain then ill be your thunder
ill be your thunder
let me crash onto you when its dark
when its cold
let me crash onto you
let me crash into you
let me into you
its just me and you
me
and
-

there comes a point when
the world around you seems to
move so fast and the people you know
become the people you knew and
the friends you've made become
ghosts of your past and
i feel like there is no chance
of stopping the world even if
its on the tips of my fingers
because in the end im still broken
and we arent talking like we used to
all I'm trying to say is that i ******* miss you

im just sad and empty but
you are so bright like the sun
that hurts my grey eyes when
it shines through the cracked window
in your lousy apartment

i wish things were different
but it's all for the best
i miss you dearly but
"this is all for the best"

i wish that the flowers would
grow out of my head instead
of the straw colored hair that
occupies its current space
on top of my head

you see

i am not beautiful but
the flowers
are

they would call me floral
and i would sing
and cry

i would be so happy if
the flowers grew on top
of my head

i would fertilize instead of
lathering
and
rinsing
and
repeating

i wish that
every flower that
has ever existed
would
grow on top of
my boring
head

it is so hard not falling in love with someone
when they are laughing

at their most vulnerable
tears streaming down their face
quick breaths
eyes alive and bright

i dare you to try and not fall in love with someone
when they are laughing

you want to laugh with them
you want to make them laugh
anything to make them look like that

i can guarantee that
you will fall in love with someone
when they are laughing

i do not think
that flowers grow to
be picked and gawked at by
every human that thinks
they are the most beautiful thing
they have ever seen

i do not think
that people grow to
be judged and scolded by
every human that thinks
they are the most pathetic thing
they have ever seen

we aren't different from
the flowers we pick

we are the same as the flowers

which makes me question why
we are the ones who aren't allowed to change
and
grow

i took a trip up the coast with
the greatest people i know
we laughed and sang
swam and hiked

i hadn't felt that happy since
the day you told me you loved me

its amazing what a swim
can do for the soul and body
it felt like a dream
the green water
alage below
pebbles between toes

it was a dream
these people i love are
like the characters in a story
vibrant and full of life
i feel like I'm on the sidelines of
the greatest story ever told

san carpoforo changed my mind
and changed the way I thought about life
and all the people i know and love
all the people who have made me
who i am today

drive up the coast with
the best people you know
i promise that you won't be the same when
you drive back down

i think of you daily but
the problem is
you are not real

you are real in the sense that
i and others can see you
but
you do not exist

"you" is something
you created so that
the person inside could
hide away from people
who promised them in
the middle of the night that
they did in fact
love
"you"

"i am not real" you said

now i realize

of course not
how could you be