for years i let my unmet needs
your mistakes
her words
his inaction
other ****
prevent me from feeling me
i carried it all with me
like a snake carries its dinner, for too long
and you can see it, others could see it
and it is not a pleasurable sight
and it fermented inside of me
rotted
became venom
and i, the snake, got low
hunted for prey
and sunk my teeth into the weak
(were they weak or did they see something in me that i couldn’t see myself?)
leaving them lifelessly disposed to my whim and fancy
i was empty
because of you and all the others and the society which tells me to just take it
don’t feel don’t heal
in the face of the prey struck with the venom of the hurt another wave of self-loathing hit
a new flavor.
don’t **** with me, i’d say i can’t feel
there are so many yous in me (there are yous in all of us)
eventually i couldn’t hold it anymore
and my gut, cleared of venom
but starved of healing
filled with rage
rage that held more space for love than hate
can you believe it?
i grew into a rage that is righteous
righteous
i want you to know that you were wrong
that you ****** up
that it was not ok, we are not ok
holding space
but i also want you to know that it is bigger than you
it is bigger than me
harm harms harmed people and harms the people who harm.
that’s it, that’s the world we live in
i wanna talk to the yous
to tell them about the hurt
about the venom, about the rage
but our culture has a tragic case of delusion
you are hurting me! The yous say
you are attacking my self-worth!
I can’t handle this! I am afraid of your truths!
i am trying to love you & me
righteous rage means being there in solidarity to call out harm when it happens
knowing that calling out harm causes harm
and not getting angry, because healing is a long process.
i don’t carry that snake or its venom anymore
i practice healing and righteous rage
i don’t trust the yous ((we can’t yet))
i trust the process
& am free
“you are beautiful, the gods wait to delight in you”