I carry the pain she feels
Every time his voice finds her face
Every time her small body hits the bathroom floor
Every time her face is wet with tears,
Ten year old eyes should never produce.
I felt these things once too.
But that was long ago.
Too long ago for me to help her now.
Her pain is still fresh while mine sits beneath my skin,
Boiling every time he speaks to me.
I had an out – once or twice every few months was my charge.
She lives in that bathroom –
That locked door between Mortality and Hell - Purgatory.
We aren’t even Catholic.
I wonder if she will share my hate in the end.
He ruins me – like a band-aid,
Continuously being ripped off my scarring flesh.
How scarred is her skin?
Can her friends see these marks? Can mine?
Hers are worse, I can already tell.
Six more months until the consequence of a divorce I didn't choose
Will be forever behind me.
She has eight years.
I pray for her every day.
I do not pray enough.
Do you?

I may not always say the things I wish I could
And I know I never say the things you wish I would
But when did what I can say, stop being enough?
When did my thoughts, my opinions, my feelings start losing their worth?
How can it be that what does escape these lips
Just floats through you like sea destined ships?
Tell me what it is you need so desperately for me to say
Because there’s so little I wouldn’t if it would just make you stay
Because I want to hear you next to me
I want to feel your every inch, on every inch of me
And I want to discover every gray hair on your head
And memorize your smell on the sheets in my bed
I want your arms around me
And I want to know, that you’ve been looking – but that you’ve finally found me
I want to watch the rise of your chest as you breathe
And count your heart as it beats
I want you in me, and on me, and all around me
Baby, with all that’s in you – surround me
Because I just want endlessly to listen to you speak
And to see you – seeing me
And when you come in the night to make love to me
I want most to not have to watch you leave
But you will, you won’t stay, I know
And I’ll have to watch you go – alone
Because I’m not what you want, I know this too
…I just wish, I didn't want you