I will not remember that you are gone
I will choose to forget.
Get lost in memories,
Daydreams,
Places we have walked.
Feeling you just behind me
I will turn and smile.

I will send postcards and letters,
Ask if you are well.
Fill silences at red
Lights, bus stops,
3am
With your voices,
Stories,
And the things we once laughed at.

I will reach for your hand,
As I did as a child
And know it is just out of reach,
Just out of sight.
Pretend you are lost again
As you always were
Call your name
Have it echo back.
I will not write you an epitaph
Or ever say goodbye –
Just count the days until I join you
And promise not to cry

I want you secret
I want you night-time
I want you in-between
I want you mine

I want you eyes wide
I want you six o'clock (and seven o'clock and eight o'clock)
I want you with the radio low
I want you in dusty sunlight
I want you with cracks on the ceiling
I want you Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Fridays.
I want you leap frogged and running with feeling

I want you long and drawn out, and short and frenzied
I want you asleep and in transit
I want you awake and drunk and dancing
I want you whiskey and moët and brandy

I want you electronically
Pathologically
Dynamically
Chronically
Ironically
­
I want you silent
I want you wild eyed and raving
I want you hating and spitting
I want you lost and needing

I want you without regret
I want you argued and making up
I want you ***** dishes and rain against the windows
I want you July blue sky, November harvest moon

I want you 'I do'
I want you first kiss and last
I want you babies and children and promises
I want you future I want you past

I want you secret
I want you night-time
I want you in-between
I want you mine

I leave markers to make my maps
So uncertain is the flesh
the pathways back to you.

Distances lack perspective –
A disappearing horizon.
I glance over my shoulder,
Feel my way forward.

My mouth denotes *** holes,
Man-holes
Rivers and ravines,
Snow-capped city streets.
Bite of metal on metal.

The cartography of your spine.

I trace fault-lines,
Body shaking with tremors
Graffiti with finger-tips
Vandalise with bite marks
Learn the hard way.

Name cities,
Mountains,
Wait out storms in silence.

Follow the marks of those who have come
Before me,
And know  for those who will come after

X marks the spot.

I unlearn this love,
Forget the electricity
that burns within me
as I catch your eye

Humming with the radio low

Push aside memories of your smell

The taste of whiskey on my fingers

Scratch your name away from toilet doors, note-books,

my skin

I remove memories as casually as you undressed me

Layer by layer

Turn my face away from dreaming
Teach my hands to be still

And I learn to breathe

With your hands around my neck