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Rebecca Paul Dec 2014
You saw the nightmares alive in my eyes.
You saw the terror, the wonder, the magic all die.
I couldn’t tell if you had burned them or broken all of the promises my devils had spoken.
That fear, that beauty, that moment in time,
it was my wanderlust, and backbone, and spirit, and sign.
And I told you, I told you that I wanted it back, but it was
too late to grab them out from the black.
So I tipped up that bottle and I swallowed my guilt, and prayed to the room as it started to tilt.
Then we gathered my insecurities and left with your plans
of mountains and divinity and lovers holding hands.
My breathing was shaky, my eyes full of tears. You held me and loved me and wiped away those years.
They put signs on my back, saying “broken, but here”.
And I reached for the wheel, though I was too drunk to steer.
The crashing, the glass, the slurred, frightened screams.
I wonder if smoke can freeze, and if it can,
I’ll call it dreams.
Rebecca Paul Aug 2014
"We took such care of tomorrow, but died on the way there."
We planted so many new trees, we forgot to stop for air.
I can't remember what your voice said, but I know that it was bare,
Because your words could always find me, yet they couldn't reach me there.
I always feel the way my tears drop when I wear my smile for you.
You'd always compare my legs to new trees, and my breathing to morning dew.
I can't remember every tear I've shed, but I'd name a few for you.
I'm scared to leave my life behind again, but I know you want life anew.
I'm sorry for every time that I cried, for I know it gave you strife.
My heart may stop beating tonight, but I've been dead my whole life...
Rebecca Paul May 2014
I wanted to drink until I forgot
your scent lingering on my shirt when you would hug me.
I wanted to drink until I forgot
all your empty promises and bitter words.
I wanted to drink until I forgot
your cold gaze piercing my back when you said to leave.
I wanted to drink until I forgot
those apathetic eyes and self-righteous taunts.
I wanted to drink until I forgot
myself begging you to let me cry in your lap.
I wanted to drink until I forgot
how many times I apologized for my abuser's actions.
I wanted to drink until I forgot
the sound of my own voice.
I wanted to drink until I forgot
the sight of my tear-stained face.
I wanted to drink until I forgot
the scars branding my body with "failure".
I wanted to drink until I forgot
you were my mom once.
I ended up drinking myself to
death.
Rebecca Paul Jan 2014
You say you love my short nails; they show I’m not high maintenance.

You say you love the way I nibble my food, like my brain is exploring other worlds and is too preoccupied to focus on chewing.

You say you love how I don’t wear a lot of eye makeup; you’ve always liked the natural look.

You say you love how I’m constantly daydreaming; books are envious of my imagination.

You say you love me for me, for everything I am, and everything I do.

However, you don’t know that I keep my nails so short so that they don’t scratch the back of my throat when I purge.

You don’t know that I nibble on my food because I’m terrified to open my mouth more than half an inch or I’ll stuff my face and fill myself with shame.

You don’t know that I don’t wear too much makeup in case it runs while I’m throwing up and you notice.

You don’t know that my eyes are just unfocused because I don’t have the energy to keep up with the world around me after fasting for four days.

You don’t know that you don’t love me for me or any of the things you think I do.

You love me for everything I don’t tell you.
Rebecca Paul Dec 2013
You can tell me what you want to, with a mouth dripping vinegar and
eyes the size of God.
I will let your lies soak into my skin and
fold themselves in my smile. It will be one of those smiles that
doesn’t crinkle your nose or reach your eyes.
They will fit snugly between my teeth as
a reminder that no matter what I say, your words are the ones I taste.
Those last few truths that left your lips will be woven in my hair,
broken by ribbons.
Your kiss tasted how sobs sound, and your embrace could not
warm my shivering bones if you even cared to try.
You let the shadows under my eyes slip down my cheeks and
pool in your hands as murky puddles.
The masquerade could have stopped there…but we both knew it wouldn’t.
And you let your pride say you loved me because we both knew you were dead inside.
Rebecca Paul Dec 2013
Fly
The hair on my arms flutters like feathers.
The wind, powerful and insistent, is all the encouragment I need.
"Did you give me wings?" My question is soft and breathless.
You were born with wings, darling, you whisper at the nape of my neck.
"I can jump?" The idea is invigorating.
I need the end. I crave a conclusion.
*No...You can fly.
Rebecca Paul Nov 2013
“I ripped these out of your symbol and they turned into paper.”
The words that once read new breath into me now fall just short. They
sink and sag across the pages, lost and wandering without a spine to keep them upright.
Does the value of that symbol become so diminished then? Why, yes.
Yes, it does.
The papers that flutter presently across my floorboards belong nowhere now. The pages might as well be empty.
Without “before”s and “after”s to them, every startling sentence and promising phrase holds nary a glance of the eye.
Listless, meaningless, and inconclusive.
Such a pity.
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