Lately
I wake up in
a state that cannot be found
on a road map
and I wonder why
you are not there
   where are you these days
          getting drunk with your friends
    why did I love you
I have no ******* clue
    but still
          night after night
    I dream about
death
and I dream about
you

I only ever fall for the damaged ones
like projects, or patients
I want to fix them, cure them
And I sew pieces of my heart onto theirs
to cover the scars and holes and cancers
Maybe it's because I feel that I myself
will never be a completely whole person
so I spend all of my time and energy
trying to fix the ones I feel deserve to be
-

"You're afraid of growing up."

Perhaps
but I see no shame in that
why would I ever want to grow up
if it means being
miserable
lonely
and drunk
like you,
Dad.
-

tonight I'll fall asleep
to the sound of rain
falling on this old roof
though I long for it to be
the sound of your uneasy
breathing with the occasional
skipping of our heartbeats
-