Dreams are supposed to be were you feel safe and peace full. Not where you are attacked by the invisible and only the felt. That room is kine, where i sleep - a restful place. Where now i am weary to go and lay my head. i dont know this place my fear comes from. It haunts me and i can't leave it. But I have to be there, for this is my resting place, where thoughts down on paper - my hiding place. I'm afraid I'm  not alone in its inhabitance. Where it comes from I don't know. And how it has power over me, I am not sure. But i do know that i am not okay with its excistance, and i will not stand for it. i will fight whatever it is when the time arises. but whos to say when that will be. i just pray that dear God you will give me the strength to concur this thing, a monster i last felt creep up on me. there is a physical jailment now and i cant not beat it it feels. a haunting feeling is over me when i enter the room, like i have interrupted something and am now being punished for it. but i do not know what it is or who o am interrupting. where can i find it. it feels so far away like i have already missed out on it. so how can i find it and get it back? i dont know but i feel as though this isnt over, and i am anxious to see when next time will be.
                        9/23/10

She will try to sleep she will try to love but non compare to him who has her heart. All are second best. Never good enough or will satisfy. She can’t even sleep at night. With dreams of how they should have been could have been they are better than when she wakes up in the morning. Never ending torture is every day to her. Seeing him with her. Knowing how it feels to be in his arms. Not engulfed in his love anymore. Just would rather put it all away, live another day half alive. With her broken heart barely alive. Every smile is a lie. If he could only see how they should be, could be.

Misery is a where I like to be. It’s a part of me. Only for me to see. Open up my wings and let you undo the tragedies I’ve been put through.
Oh wait no, stop, halt. put on the breaks. Here we go again. You don’t want me anymore. You are just too scared to open the door. How can you pull me in and then leave me here to bleed. I’m just swimming…..
Misery is a where I like to be. It’s a part of me. Only for me to see. Open up my wings and let you undo the tragedies I’ve been put through. Hold me close then throw me back again. That’s what you do. I have learned my lesson now.
But you are beautiful and I fall for it every time. You and your sick melody. It makes me forget all that you have done to me. It’s not fare but I know how this goes. Ill fall but you will only take advantage of me while I’m down.
Misery is a where I like to be. It’s a part of me. Only for me to see. Open up my wings and let you undo the tragedies I’ve been put through. Hold me close then throw me back again. That’s what you do. I have learned my lesson now. I can find my way out. Good reddens to you.

When you give it out.. I have to take your love and look away, like taking a shot. I’m  trying not to feel what’s coming.  Cause this truly hurts me inside. Hurting because  I want to give it back, but to you it’s just an aimless, playful nothing in your eyes. Only if you knew how cruel you where being. Because I will never be able to love you the way I want. Because of the unforgiving and forgetfulness inside your heart.  please let it go..