When I let go of his hands and released him
I let go of someone who no longer served me
And freed him of someone who had not served him in years
I know that time will whisper hard truths to him Things I could not have yelled any louder
And there will be no ugliness
Just peace
The universe gives gifts that are often disguised as harsh endings and scary beginnings
But when I opened myself up to be alone  
I found in the midst of chaos
A hand that I’ve never wanted to hold more

The tips of my fingers barely peek out past his knuckles
I am safe in these hands
He runs his thumb across my skin
Kissing my wrists and tracing my nails
Have you ever had a man hold you in their palm and not close their fist
He reaches up
Arms open
Hands wide
I experience touch for the very first time

I had the dream again last night
The one where you die of a drug overdose
And I am chasing death down a dark hallway
I woke up in a cold sweat
Reaching to any god to provide proof you were well
Instead I found out that last night while we were both asleep a man with your name died from a drug overdose
He tried to kiss me three weeks before under a lamp light
The snow was falling and we shared a cigarette
We spoke about Dubai and tigers and salsa dancing
He put his coat around my shoulders to keep me warm
He told me he wanted to be free and he jumped
Up and down
I told him I was in love
But it wasn’t with him
Tonight I cried to all the gods for all three of us
Because while you and I lucked out of this round
A good man with an aching heart did not  
I still do not feel lucky at all
And you will never understand just how lucky you are

There’s a large handful of people I’ve loved that I no longer have
When the floods came they washed away
Erosion left behind cracks with their names in the shattered pavement of my hometown
And even now when I step over them on the sidewalk
What I mean to say is I wish you no ill will
No broken backs
When I see you growing small weeds between broken promises and heartache
What I mean to say is I hope after this storm
That there will be sun
That even now I can only hope for growth

I watched you set a fire
But never once felt the burn  
And so I danced in the dwindling flames
And you came around just enough to keep it burning
You are the last thing a moth sees before it dies
It must be true when they say that you only feel the smoke once you leave the house
Because here I am
Buckled over on the front lawn
Gasping for fresh air

When I woke up I was crisp and paralyzed
Betrayed by my body
Left out to dry my own tears
But there was no sunshine for weeks
I blew around in the wind for days
Holding onto a rope as the twine unravelled
I was weightless  
Pale as a ghost
And soft as 100% cotton
I don’t know how to explain what it feels like to live your worst nightmare over and over again
Other than the sheets you’ve had folded up in your closet for years
The ones that your mum only takes out when distant relatives unexpectedly stop by and you have no time to prepare
I’m cleaning up a mess that I did not make but here I am
Still delicate  
Some days are so hard I can’t even get out of bed but make no mistake
Other days I tuck the sheets in tight
Making my bed just to lay down again
Choosing what I want to do with my body is a liberty I will never get tired of
I’m weightless because I won’t be held down  
I’m a ghost because I will not rest unless I want to
I’m soft because never again will I be convinced that my ability to forgive is a weakness.

When he leaves for work he kisses the side of my face
In a warm embrace
Something about hiding under his sheets feels like home even in his absence

I’d like to think that the universe gave me
You
To let me feel all of pain I’ve felt
It watched and waited around for all these years
Tapping its fingers in anticipation
Prompting me to write my book and hand back the finished copy
There was a gift for all three of us in beginning of this
But if there is one thing that you and the universe have taught me
It’s that this gift is no longer yours for the taking