so it seems
as if
death is
slowly trying to
acquaint with all who i know
just to get to me
and i've gotta tell ya
he's quite a sneaky fellow
as he sits there waiting for someone new
but i wonder if he just gets lonely
maybe that's why he takes all of my
friends
i guess that's selfish
but don't we all get lonely?
i was thinking i should join him
maybe he won't be so sad
and neither will i

we sat in the Field where i first saw You,
the one where i'd converse with You
and dream of when the stars came out.
the one that was in purest form.
(that was after we'd stopped talking)
remember when
i'd started taking a new route because
You'd made me angry that one day that
You had made me say goodbye, and then followed by making it rain
when You know how much thunder and lightning scares me.

so i took a detour down south
and i've come to tell You that demons now linger in my head.
telling me that "bad" isn't always painful, and can be pleasure.
and i sat there wondering where You were to protect me from the words
"come on it'll be fun" or "you know you want to".
and i'd hoped that You'd come find me on the days
that they made me do things i never hoped to do,
but they said it'd make me happy.
it did give pleasure, for awhile.
it seemed to make them happier than it had made me, though.

and i'd hoped to at least receive some sort of postcard from You
telling me that You were sorry and You wanted me to come back,
even though they told me that that only caused pain
as they poured me another drink.

they took me farther south, and i'd felt myself sinking faster than a stone.
even though it was really dark, the stars in the south were too scared to come out.
i too, was scared.
they told me to not be scared but that was an impossible request.
they had then said if i didn't want pleasure that they'd give me pain.
so i pushed away, and i ran from them.

i ran for miles hoping to find the Field or You, but it was too dark.
i needed You and i didn't think You'd hear me
that was until i saw the stars shining again
and i knew You were there waiting for me.
it was bliss.

you
you are quite timid, my dear.
words so soft-spoken
that the wind must stop
to catch you fears.

                i. i know you
                   sit in the front pew of the church,
                   yet you don't sing.

why does your hair cover your eyes,
and your head gloom so low?
why does your presence
not glow?

                ii. i know you
                    know every answer,
                    but you don't say a thing.

you
you my dear, are more than
skin covering bones.
you mustn't let your temple
be overthrown my sticks and stones.

                *iii. i know you
                     contrast every human being.

he who is nostalgia
violates the mind,
as loneliness bellows of
laughter in her
face.

dense and hollow
as she sleeps with sorrow,
"he
he
he"

           "say it."

he drenches
heavy, hostile, heartless
gripping thoughts
that drown her mind,
impossible to escape.

dense and hollow
nightmares of sorrow,
"he was
he did
he is"

              "say IT."

reassuring, repeating, reciting
to her
the words of past that fuel him.
he gleams of evil
as he says,
"don't worry, at least i'll never leave you."

dense and hollow,
awoken and filled with sorrow,
"monster"

you were the coffee spilt on my
sunday paper.
crossword unfinished
and fresh ink smeared,
as i rushed down to
main street.

              (DOWN 4. twelve letter word,
              a common cause of car accidents,
              "I N T O X I C A T I O N")

you had me
pondering the question
why speed must be limited
on days like this
as i rushed down to
main street.

             (ACROSS 19. five letter word,
             to operate and control the direction and speed of a motor vehicle,
             "D R I V E")

your body lied so innocently
and so fragile
as it caressed the dark pathway, --you spirit was bright enough to see at 2 am.--
trying your best to inhale life
with all that you desired on
main street.

but the air was too heavy to breathe.

             *(ACROSS 12. five letter word,
             living is to life, as dying is to _,
             "D E A T H")

"it'll be quick, just count to three."
i sit drenched in nostalgia,
(also known as "Polo Blue")
afloat in thoughts.
and you told me not to panic
because if you panic,
you drown.

"one."
most days i'd sit on the roof wanting to scream,
and sometimes i'd want to jump off.
but i did neither because i knew you wouldn't come rushing
to kiss all that was hurt.
(like that one time i scabbed my knee at aunt norma's, do you remember?)
so instead i sat there wishing to see you hang
the christmas lights like you did
every year, the day after thanksgiving.

"two."
i'd be tempted by your ties still
hanging in your closet that still smell like you.
but i knew you'd tell me to quit playing with them,
(like when i was five, do you remember that?)
because you'd need them for work the next day.
so i left them alone hoping to be able to
watch you tie your tie once more and
actually learn to tie one myself.

"three."
i'd throw myself into the pool,
hoping the rules of buoyancy wouldn't apply.
but i keep floating above, just like you said i would.
(remember me being so scared to do that?)
i don't even panic anymore.
you taught me well,
but not well enough.
because it isn't panic that is drowning me.
it's the sea of thoughts that are
sinking me slowly, but surely.
i've counted to three and it's not quick enough.

so i continue to recount because
what you always said was true.
and i hope what you say is true,
because i keep hoping to hear you say,
"it'll be quick, just count to three."