I have ridden, silent, passive,
On the shoulders of my Privilege
Well-sheltered
Full-bellied
Sure-footed and surely rebellious
Over dried ancestral footprints
That erode away a little more
Every time I leave the sprinklers on

I have flourished Wildly in my art
Donated my body
To the telling of Stories
And dissected myself
Again and again
In the name of
Great Expression

I have held Love's little finger
(Squeezed it in my fist)
Grasped It by the nape
And sunk my teeth into the tail of Its brownwool wintercoat
Crinkling aggressively
across a trail-less, crisp Red Wood

Why then
am I so
******* Suicidal all the time
?

Your little dog too

To tell you
How sorry I am
How sorry I've been

How much I wish I hadn't ****** up
So badly

I don't have poetry for you
I don't have the right words
Or the right way to say them

I have only sorrow
And too little too late
Apologies

I wasn't trying to hurt you
I wasn't trying to trick you
I wasn't trying to stand you up
Or make you feel so bad

That you'd never want to see me again

I want nothing more
Than to go back in time
And take it back

To wait to see you
Until I made the lonely drive
In my uhaul
Back to the place we met
Or close to it

I don't romanticize it anymore
But I do miss it

What we were
What we had

And there's no way I'll ever be able
To let you know
How sorry
I really am

I love you
I loved you
I don't know who you are now

And that's the worse part

methinks I've made a dire mistake today
when I awoke, the sky's intent was pure
so my umbrella sleeps the storm away
and I'm a wet and sorry mess for SURE

while yet as I, in drops of heaven, soak
naught but the chill of hell inspires my bones
to QUAKE under the onslaught of damp smoke
I'm too verklempt to rhyme this verse, goodnight

I’m happy now?
(Medicated)
My pain is gone?
(Operated)
I’m whole again?
(Vindicated)

I don’t know what to call it
Stable and suicidal
Calm and cRaZy
Creative and v o i d

Happiness - unreachable
Pain - unavoidable
Wholeness - a ******* construct

If we caught up
If you’d want to catch up
I’d say I’m a teacher now
But I’m still nothing like the woman
You chose to marry

I would have loved you beyond that pain.

The pain of knowing that another
Held your forever

Or perhaps I was mistaken

I’m in love again.
Someone loves me.
And I love them.
When I say “whole” I mean “wholehearted”

this is a love that heals
this is a love I can sustain
this is a love that doesn’t end
in strange friend-ship
and frustrated *******

exits without closure

confused and alone

This is how I learn
Tenderness

And how the **** to Accept myself

I know I deserve at least that.  

Now, I only self-harm
In my dreams
Of you