I let myself into you.



In fact, I allowed you to devour me. I felt not one ounce of pain. I felt no suffering. I felt no guilt or shame or remorse for making you my every consumption. Not one breathe I took wasn't for you. Not one smile wasn't created for you.


I fear that what we once had wasn't only love, but madness. Pure and blissful madness. That's what love should really be. We were two crazy kids from a tiny corner of America that fell in love.

But I fell just a tiny bit harder. My mind still aches at my heart's constant screaming.

I now lie awake thinking of all the things I said, you said, I did, we did and part of me knows you are the devil for me. You create a monster that is hard to tame, but I'm wrapped, strung out, chained to you.

You know I saw you
& I felt nothing.
I kissed you.
& I felt nothing.
You know I said I love you.
But, I didn't mean it.
I said what my mind told me to say
While my heart, it screamed to be heard.
I hugged you.
& our bodies clapped together like hard ice.
I looked into your ***** brown eyes
& I just saw eyes.
You see, love isn't just nothing.
It's not just sweet air between two lovers
A bouquet of flowers
Nor is it just those Three Words.
Love is not just felt, it's endured.
It's powerful.
Beyond our comprehension
Yet,
Your lips don't grip mine with madness no more.
Never have.
Your hugs freeze me to the bone.
Your eyes are not my freedom.
Only shame and guilt.
Those THREE words which I took for granted
I see no use for them.

there's so much that words can't say
that needs to be known
im not sure if it's love
it's definitely not lust
but it's something

it's how I just wanna hold you at 3am
and talk about why the stars have names
why god has a name
why hurricanes have names
and how you destroy me like a hurricane
& your name is forever etched in my history

lovely
should be your name
beauty
should be your name
kind
should be your name
soft
should be your name
mine
should be your name

i talk to the sun sometimes
i try to tell it to be good to me
i tell it to hover over me
warm me up
cast down its rays to make me feel the vivacity of life
i try to tell it to turn my feet into roots and make them strong
make me reach up like an evergreen so i can touch it
but, so far im just a girl whose roots are not so strong
and does not understand why people smile when they wake up
or why birds sing in the morning
or why children laugh
or why love is real

but even so
yesterday i talked to the sun
and i asked for light
i stopped asking for strength and love
just light
all i ask for is light

there was something about the way her lips formed words
how they hugged and gripped each letter
there was something soft yet rough about the way she walked
each step looked like the ground reached up and kissed her feet
oh, and that smile.
if death were 32 pearlies, i'd die a thousand times

she seemed to struggle with they way she looked at herself
her eyes didn't see what others saw
her eyes, her angelic crystal blues, yelled to me and could not deceive me
while that deadly smile laid upon her face
i saw the hurt, the anguish, the plea for help every time she blinked
or didn't

she once told me a story only i reckon it wasn't a story
about a young woman who made one line across her wrist every night
just one line
the young woman thought more than one slice would only pull her death closer
see, although being six feet deep was ventured by the young woman
she prayed and begged to God for her life to shine they way her smile did.
she prayed that she wouldn't have to make her mother cry
and that her tears would no longer stain her pillow case every night

there was something about the way her lips formed words
how they strangled and struggled to push out the truth
she never said what she thought of herself
she never said why her smile never matched her eyes
she never said why dying alone on a bathroom floor
with an empty bottle of  '32 pearlies'
was as beautiful as she was.