Burning cold shivers in my shoulders and neck,
the grip of lust toward death drags me downward,
only small breaths escape my chest, through clenched teeth I can hardly breathe,
I'm shaking internally...
Please don't look me in the eyes,
because they're crying,
yes I know they're dry,
as I try to hide the fear and sheer terror I feel of loneliness inside my blindness,
this dark room of lost love,
'I need help!'
I shout cries to the Above without any noise from the shell of who I was,
and though the blood it still runs,
I pray for peace it dries up,
because now I've had enough beatings from this life,
and my heart...
and I can't even pretend to have the strength to start all over again,
so thanks but no thanks,
I'm sorry...
this is the end.

there is a forever storm raging
with deadly lightning
and strong winds of change
and yes, it scares me
never leaving me the same
sometimes I dance in the excitement
I revel in the insane
time has a way of making me forget
those days when I don't get
to see you...
the touch of your skin becomes dim
until I feel you again
it's then I remember...
like an ocean it falls on me
your breath in my ear
your heartbeat
your laughter
your release of fear...
my body pressed up against yours
my fears washed up on some unknown shore
my insecurities rivaling yours
my faith surviving with ours
like a light in the darkness you wake me up
as I jostle you too
I can never ever get enough
of you..
all these rhymes are easy
and I want you to see
that no matter what goes wrong
you will always have me
I'll never go anywhere without you
even if the world somehow sets me free
I'll carry you with me
physically and emotionally
you will never leave my essence
you will always leave me *****, but...
you will never leave me incomplete.

Sway with me.. feel the vibrations within the silence of our staccato, notes left unplayed.. the ones felt instead of heard.. knowing that there are never adequate words to describe the magnetic pull that is felt from the heat of your heavenly body, the subtle touches that leave me breathless and dizzy are enough to turn me into a poet despite me, or at least the shell there of.. forgetting about my misery and the history repeating.. when I am not okay she chooses to love me,  and there are no demons that could compete, they just hide within my eyes until she pries them free with her beautiful violence, her ability to reach within me... and we dance.. not holding each other, but assimilating into something more complete

the low loud murmur of a filling theater,
up to its capacity,
though not an audience to watch a play,
just actors of reality,
they all wear masks to hide their intentions,
their true identity.

a never ceasing suggestive satire,
forcing reverie,
an ever present wanting whispering,
my head's insanity,
this crowd of voices inside my mind,
are all just imitating me.

Melted chains and burn marks on my wrists
scars that remain to spark memories
existing only to play the part
to remind me
to not resist the Love
amidst this twisting worldly sphere
resisting then the atmosphere of fear
designed to wipe our minds clear
forgetting that we are all the children
of the One who came here
to disappear our iniquities
the toxicity that dwells within our flesh
recalling then that every breath we breathe
is the breath of Life
and nothing less
and I am free to express who I am
now created new through Him
leaving the past in the background
I was lost and now am found
my hands have been unbound

And if we are God, shall we pass judgement? And if we are, then we are merely judging ourself.
And if we decide to create love, not torment, then and only then shall we step out of our hell.

When I seek to find true love...
I always end up finding drugs

Once, I had a dream...

I was at the bus station...
and I was looking for someone...
and I could sense them...
I knew that they were near...

A familiarity that felt like coming home.

The world around me was in black and white and gray, and through the crowd I saw a flicker of blue light, a spark like electricity that drew me in as if I were a magnet, and I moved closer as this forced moved away, leading me to a space devoid of other souls, and she sat down with her back against a wall. I approached in relief and took my seat next to her and grabbed onto her held out hand.

Her hair was blue like fire and very long, surrounding her shoulders and framing her beautiful face which glowed like a diamond bursting with a soft pink light… her eyes piercing me with a sparkling emerald green, the depth of them seemingly endless.

She smiles a knowing smile at me as she closes her eyes in great relief, and sighs deeply as she squeezes my hand. I felt like I hadn’t seen her in forever, even though we’ve never met on this plane of existence.

I peer down at our hands and realize for the first time that I’m glowing, too, and that our colored glows are different colors, hers blue and mine red, but as we sit and connect the colors blend... and become a deep purple, pulsating and growing outward in swirls surrounding us, protecting us as we sit, leaning in closer to each other, her eyes now open again and drawing me in…

...and as our lips get closer there is a crackling sound, and pure energy fills the small space between them like the points of a taser, and when I press into her lips with mine there is a sound like the stoppage of time, and I hear our hearts beating in unison and nothing else…

…and we kiss until we both begin to vibrate faster and faster, embracing one another as tight as we can until our light and our energy becomes a blinding display of pure love and power, finally exploding and shattering the physical world around us into oblivion...

...and we are suspended in space surrounded by countless points of our light like fireflies, our energy expanded into a brilliant array of tiny little infinite universes… and she pulls her lips off of mine and gazes deep into my eyes again and says…

“Welcome home, my long lost friend.”

The world outside just makes me wanna run and scream and hide inside my mind behind the wings of my demons, and in there is where I cry out and pray that someday my angels will finally learn how to fly me away back home, even if it is just for a short stay so I can permanently learn from all of my 3-D mistakes and come back as the man that God had originally made, and I say God for lack of a better term, because I really truly have no idea how to define the indefinable, yet I know that there is something there that transcends time and gives me hope, a tangible feeling in my forehead my mouth my throat my heart my guts my *** and “wee wee wee” all the way to my toes, like electricity spiraling down into my soul... some days I wonder where my heart is, since it is not at home… this incredible journey feels like an away game in the Stanley Cup playoffs, everyone in this stadium is rooting against you, yet what they do not realize is at the end of the day, we are all rooting for the same team, and that is to feel belonging, to feel loved, to feel accepted, to feel understood... and we only root against each other because that is what everyone else is doing, and I for one am tired of being a ******* puppet, I’m tired of being shown the differences in all of us, I’m tired I’m tired I’m tired, and I want to go home..

But what I really truly deep down desire is to make this place here my own... To throw away my phone and look each person I’m blessed with in my life in the eyes and tell them “I love you, and you don’t need to be anything other than who you are for me to Love you... welcome home.”

I'm thoroughly convinced at this point that God communicates through numbers. That's not to say that the Divine does not communicate in other forms, but for me, the more I pay attention the more I see a pattern of intelligent signaling via numbers in my day to day experience. Maybe it's just the autist in me, though I do know that I am far from the first person to ever notice this phenomenon. There are quite a few interpretations of this numbers game, this bread crumb trail leading towards the Truth... but, like the Bible, I believe God is speaking to each person individually through this means, and that there isn't any master key that unlocks it all.. unless that key is faith. But it is a personal relationship with the Creator, knocking on the door in seeking God, the one on one (11) friendship and union with The Spirit, and the communion with others doing the same (11:11) that is the key that unlocks the door to the fullness of Love. This is the quickening of the synchronicities on the vibration of Love frequencies, the tuning of our antennae to God's, as the door opens and we can hear the Divine speaking to us much more clearly... and for me, the numbers start flowing, and I buzz and hum with this energy that transcends caffeine and greed, weightless almost in this state of Love that I desire always to be connected with, the Source of it... yet, often still, my shadow self, the denseness of me blocks this loving and living aqueous transmission, and I fall back in to the 3D world, fall out of the Love consciousness of Christ Consciousness, and it becomes all about "Me Me Me!" again... but I'm learning to recognize this spiritual plummet into the realm of the dead, and what I need to do in those times to find the path back to Her, as She helps me by leaving these bread crumbs... numbers to remind me that my Spirit is wildly free, that what is seen isn't all of reality, that there's more than being stuck in the perils of 3D, yet thinking so much differently... and so, I continue to unlearn me, seek out bakers for this trail of bread, praying prayers that stretch out towards Eternity, until once again my Spirit is the one that leads. 5:5

Deep breath... Lord, give me the words to say to help rid me of this anxiety, I pray and pray, and I hope that someday my mind will lose itself, so that I may begin to become legitimately crazy instead of wondering if I am, and maybe then my happiness will begin.. what I'm trying to say is that I wish that I'd become ignorant to grasp bliss, though there is part of me that needs to be informed, that needs to understand my own existence, yet it's troubling, the world seems to be crumbling and I wonder where God is in all of this? I don't want to be angry anymore, I want to simply explore.. this garden we've been given is gorgeous, but a parking lot we seem to give back, and it's blasphemous.. so I close my eyes and pray, and again there are no words to say to Him and I lose my grip, this mustard seed is shrinking into the abyss... and so I pray and pray, tomorrow is not promised, not even today, yet I worry for the future, that maybe I somehow can suture the wounds my brethren and myself have cut down into Her skin, but it just feels like a bandaid on a severed artery, so I cling now to artistry and write poems with no purpose, no real direction, no real topic, merely reflection.. and I hope that someday these words will make a difference to somebody, anyone, even just one and then this time I spent would be worth it, a sort of desperate attempt to repent.. read my words and know that there are tears behind them, that I'm dying and okay with that, that I'm trying and will slay this dragon of my addiction, whether it's today or not I highly doubt it, just know that my death will be my knight in shining armor, coming to save me from this veiled disorder, order out of chaos.. as above so below? I see your souls..

The sweetness of the love I see
causes me tears out of sorrow
from rarely having felt it
yet having felt it enough
to know what I am missing

Peace runs deep in love that says
come follow me
learn to move higher on your journey
up the mountain towards
letting what you're afraid of losing go
free falling upward
make your decision soon
choosing to have Life
through loving God and others like
Christ knew and taught us how to do

The water is still as I gaze upon it, the sunshine reflecting in my eyes and I feel like I'm blinded, it's a reflection so bright that I cannot see..  nor do I want to. Reality shifts, and I can feel the intensity of every moment, and I twitch… shaking towards my own destiny,  as I wallow and suffocate in my own fear, my flashy insecurities... I can't believe you see me, may I run? Not that I want to, I'd rather drown...  either way it could be fun, do you not agree? Someone once told me they loved me, proceeding anyhow within my doubt, thus how I skeptically do not agree, with all that's perpetually mistaken for dull sound.. I love you.. and I say those words without a hidden meaning, it's only truth that I am speaking, you wrecked my world in such a good and terrible way, that I must be honest... whatever part you cast me in, I'll gladly be the one who plays.

Look about you... Her kingdom is there.  She loves, she cries, she despises when I lie..  so to drink, it fills her eyes..

Please Lord, when I am weak, will You be strong? Be the One Who can contain the fire among us, along the paths we traverse on?

I truly felt in tune when the music of me and you began to play, whisking me away to dance our fevered Waltz in the ballroom of I don't care what happens! This feels too great right now to let the fear do any needless hating...

...then all of a sudden the tempo, it raises the pace of us faster and faster, so we spin and we spin ...

...punch drunk dizzy with drunken punches to the soul, we did what I think we both knew we would do...

...out of breath with smoker's coughs ringing their alarms, we fall down hard...

But guess what, here's the thing.

Yes, we both did epically stage-dive and break our ******* legs...

But we also said **** that, we're ******* rockstars on the stage of this ****** up concert called life and love!

Let's help each other climb back up, with two good legs between us, leaning on what we also both know:

There's still more songs to be sung!

I would like to tell you a story...

There exists a man.

He lives his life soulfully.
He has been called many things,
but he prefers to be referred to as a dreamer.

His heart he wears,
not so subtly,
on the tops of his sleeves,
for the whole world to see.

Though what he hopes to wear is a rarity,
something incomprehensible,
in this here reality.

His reverie is a complexity,
that those who are meaner might see,
as paradoxical insanity.

But he does not mind...

For he is chosen to hear a melody
of silent divinity,
that speaks volumes to his soul,
mystically whispering a hymn of

'everything is more than it seems.'

Unfortunately, there is a catch;
a web of illusion and fear...
and it is here he forgets,
the beat of that singing,
and falls back to sleep...
walking away from his dreams.

But then, an incredible scene;

Out of miraculous calamity,
he once again encounters the Being,
the identical flame,
who gently shakes him awake,
and he begins to recall,
the truest of Love,
and why he was made
and how he can see;

The treasure hidden within all of humanity.

Now in spirit again he sways softly...
In tune with the holiest of melodies.

ahhhh... lies. Comfort. cancerous, alcoholic necessity. go **** yourself, and let me watch... I hate me and I hate you more. you're a ***** like me. so will you just die like me...

How could I forget? This is what I've always known in the depths of my heart to be what love is, truly. Finally, I can tell someone that they are beautiful, and they know and understand that I mean exactly what I say.. without any end game or attempt to persuade them one way or another in my favor, like prey... Though I do pray, and there is this belief inside of me when I talk about twin flames or soul mates, and my feeling is that we all have the gift of a match in this life, someone who understands our pain, and will connect on life experiences, looking past any attempt at gain, setting aside differences with love and understanding. So when I say I know you love me, and I won't forget.. what I'm really saying is.. the same.

to be understood on a deep emotional level
I feel is what keeps us  going through hell
failed attempts at love with each relationship
to define the meaning of that four letter word
some of us say it with ease without knowing what we mean
others of us ***** ourselves out to appease the void
that brings us to our knees those dark and lonely moments
begging for someone to please hold onto us
gently stroke our hair to show us that they truly care
through human connection
as only this creates a way to abate that hollow pain
we cannot be sustained with material gains
or made whole by being entertained
with Hollywood fame and video games
the problem lies in the deceit of our minds
telling ourselves like we won't measure up
in other people's eyes
or we aren't good enough to cry the tears
that heal the years in front of our peers
or let them hear the thoughts of fear
that fester near our hearts
so we slowly die inside before we even get to the end
of pretending we're alive
then at the physical death part of this three dimensional life
we'll wish we left the air behind us clear of hate and selfish fear
letting all of it go
helping each other grow through our miseries
not taking ourselves so seriously
as genuine human beings who are open and honest
vulnerable and loving
out of unconditional understanding

Nn

Close your eyes I've got a surprise
a world without lies where your mind
no longer denies the tears you need to cry
for the pain as it's pried from your heart
and you can start to live and discard
all the blame releasing your shame
stop playing the game of guilt
just by making a decision
to stop with the hate of yourself
and rebuild within a love that transcends
the divisions of race and religion
with party lines erased
replaced by togetherness
and the commonality of death we share
as you begin to care again
not to save the world but humanity upon it
we're merely a blink in the eye of time under the sun
so if you accept yourself for who you are
then your life has finally begun

What about me?

I wish that there was someone..
anyone for me to call..
on my phone of lonely hope..
so I could connect with..
relate in depth with..
another person..
because this sting..
this pain of being alone..
hurts me deep down in my soul..

Love isn't destruction... you have mistaken me for something else. You say unconditional love doesn't exist, while I disagree wholeheartedly. Why can't you open your eyes and see me here right in front of you, with open arms... 

Love isn't sadness... let go of your past, and realize you're so much more than an addict, that if you rise above it, together we can overcome this world...

Love isn't falling... be strong and fight, you must want to help yourself... I want to be with you, but to rescue you I have to set you loose, to show you that I love you, and see if you find your way back home.

I put my hand on your chest
and I hold it there
absorbing your love
and this thought tracks into my mind
that because you're not mine
that maybe I am not okay at all
just then
a thought, or maybe a lack thereof
hits me and I think
as I begin to cry
that maybe I am exactly okay
as okay as I should be
given the circumstances of this world
the latest in the path of my old soul
maybe I am better than okay
and I should be crying, because
all these innocent people dying everywhere
I'm trying to make a difference
on the circumference of this sphere
I'm trying to love others despite this fear
but what I'm thinking now
is that I need to love others
because of this fear
something we share

Maybe I picked up some dad skills. Maybe I already knew. Maybe all they need is attention…

That is all anybody wants, really. To feel like somebody gives a **** about them, to not feel lonely.

That is why he cries when he wakes up from a nap, or in the morning... because he wakes up alone. He just wants to know that you are there, and that you care.

Although he doesn’t need you to hold him all the time, there will be (has been that) time when he falls upon his head, and he’ll need you by his side...

All of this is the sugar on top of succeeding in the effort to not let him die.

;)

too many thoughts
on this crowded elevator,
in my brain that is chained,
shackled by prior misery,
haunted by my adolescence,
cursed by the atrocities of my youth...

I'm vying for agony,
with fantasies of a noose,
a knot that slips the pain away...
for that pain must be cut loose,
before I cut lines on a mirror,
or lines on my arms,
to charm the legion of evil,
in their playground of my mind...

on the glass of my eyes,
they're always tapping...
tap..tap..tap...
letting me know they're still in there...
that they haven't gone anywhere...
no matter the pressure I apply,
with my spiritual cries to the divine,

they need to come out,
to eat a hearty meal...
so I try to conceal my zeal,
the lust to set them free...

but the more I resist them,
in this persistent reality,
the more they try harder,
to destroy me in my dreams...

Loose leaf paper to hold my anger, more dead trees to harbor my insanity.. these are necessary accessories in this fodder we call life, so transparent and so lifeless, yet called so anyhow... who are we as a collective? What do we value? Peace and security. We want everything and nothing to change, all at once. We cannot maintain as we try to contain our emotions through each day to suffocate the masses into submission, to get them to believe who we think we are.. when there’s only one difference.. it is not color or race, or financial grace, or religion or intention, or a suicidal pace, it is all about how we accept those that are seemingly different, in each of us is a demon who tells us lies about the other guys, and I’m tired of the reasoning so Illuminati just please **** me or leave me alone this is all on my own from what I have seen and felt it’s obscene, and I want to believe...

Whomever, whatever, or wherever you are..

Send me angels or your son again, or in another dimension tell my higher self that he needs to take the wheel again, or blend my spirit with your spirit and lift me up, fill my cup with something lighter than blood, like light and love and faith that moves this mountain of pain and grief that weighs me down so much…

Godless sounds like an icky thing, but having God exist and being disconnected from it is much worse, this I know from experience… so let me see with eyes of truth, are you reading this? I really think I need some proof… so I may understand what it means to lose myself for other human beings

I might just do it
this idea I've been toying with
I'm tired and weak
I can't stop drinking
It's more than embarrassing
It's uniquely obscene
Who will I hurt next?
I need some relief
death seems comforting
so sick of my disease
I can't handle my thoughts
or the love that I seek
I'm missing me
hurt them once and for all
it's better then years that they weep
and then..
we all can get some sleep

I hate this feeling of being lonely, yet wanting to be alone at the same time...

...and then questioning myself with this annoying little rhyme...

Is it the comfort of this familiar sadness that drives me to push people away?

I had my choice, and I chose loneliness... I guess I can't complain.

I always fall in love with the ones
who are trying to destroy themselves

What is right and wrong? Relative to a situation? Or does it depend on how beautifully you sing the song.. Every story has two sides..

Something to hope for,
following the stars above,
praying for guidance,
waiting for love...
never losing faith,
in God I trust,
expanding spirituality,
to try is simply enough.

The love and terror of this path through life,
creates an action within me to gain traction,
so I trudge what feels like forward,
toward whatever is calling,
I say babbling prayers to keep from falling,
yet I stumble and trip,
and to keep upright I reach out to grip,
the most consistent thing in this persistent dream;
pleasurable and lustful things...
but the consistency is my lie,
so I curse my dreaming,
though the feeling is fleeting and treacherous,
all I want is to say **** Everything And Run,
and then I am overcome by which way to flee,
then I fall...

...and the only one I have to blame, is me.

I love you...
so I've got to let you go
we both know it's the only way
to stay sober
hoping to control the monsters inside
shadows clinging to our souls

faith in truth outside of fear
let go the vessel no longer steer
accepting being
trusting feeling
free will becomes divinely clear

My heart hears the feeling of
billions of souls screaming,
those unable to wake up
into their dreams...
and inside I know,
that each one of
those trapped and hopeless souls,
are part of me...

Imagine being born a person whom always felt as if people and the world do not make sense, and were always deep in thought about it, as such, a thing happened where embarrassment of self became the norm. Mix in drinking, and it increases tenfold... progressively worsening over time.

when I look deep down the well of my inner being,
there's a blinding darkness I can barely see,
yet a light that's quite as faint as it could be...
a wild looking child, who looks an awful lot like me,
the eyes are which illuminate, from a tearful shimmery,
trapped inside a prison...
my fears the lock and key.

"Are heaven and hell just metaphors for inner selves and our peace with each one?"

Over breakfast I suggest this to the other which is not the one that feeds

who am I truly... even spiritually?
because every time I think I'm there,
I peel back another layer,
and again it isn't me...