have i told you lately that you mean a lot to me? you shook up my world in such a good way, and I would say that I owe you, but I know that your soul was just being who you are. You've saved me out of that hell I was in by simply being my friend when no one else would... I'm still not perfect, and I could still **** it all up, but I no longer want to be dead, and that to me is enough to try and begin again... I hope this make sense, sometimes my heart doesn't quite see, so i just wanted to let you know, how much you truly mean to me.

I feel your broken loneliness
in the sadness that I see
drifting past each moment
in your boat of memories
I sense a rooted worthlessness
someone said and you agreed
you search for love in places
impossible to find it seems
fear and doubt the harness
self hate their wild steed
a horse that is quite harmless
unless it feeds on insecurities
so let go and be blessed
include you in your empathy
in the hope of finding timelessness
self forgiveness holds the key

Say what I say and mean what I mean this stream of consciousness thing is quite a release and I know it's not a diary but it's fun to let others spy on me even if only one or two or three will ever see what I'm writing it's still exciting to be open and share because I was closed off from people for the majority of my life and it had to do with self-esteem but now that I don't care what others may think this whole experience is quite liberating so let me become even more  openly free and dare to share something that has been bothering me and that is the fact that so many asshats have mocked and teased and called me gay or alluded to it by what they say and it's been happening my whole life and even in this rehab stay the homophobia is in play and yes I'm effeminate in so many ways but here's the real secret, oh my gosh, I'm not gay! but part of me wants to just pretend that I am to make it uncomfortable but it wouldn't be fair of me because I'm comfortable in my sexuality and that would be retaliatory and just as inflammatory but beyond all of that I really don't get it why people are so upset about how others do hit it can't we just live and let live why do we label each other by whatever preference that we discover to help us feel closer to love because isn't that what human beings are wired  to do so come on I implore you all who are stuck in your hatred to tell a coworker about who you thought of the last time you masturbated and then I'll ask you again if it's any of your business

Here is a list of things I do not regret, despite shame’s hot breathing down my neck;

I don’t regret holding your hand, fingers intertwined and all

I don’t regret Traverse City, my favorite day of all

I don’t regret you on the beach in the twilight, not worried about the sand at all

I don’t regret our too long hugs, in public, your car, my porch, your office, or any place at all

I don’t regret our back rubs, even if the final score has you winning it all

I don’t regret telling you I love you, or you telling me first at all

I don’t regret the sneaky pictures, when you weren’t looking that i stole

I don’t regret the days I held you close, anxiety had its hold

I don’t regret being vulnerable, or sharing my secrets so bold

I don’t regret never kissing you, even if my dreams still tell me i do

I don’t regret falling in love with you..

I don’t regret it, no..

The only thing I do regret, is hurting you just so

The Greeks were, three thousand years ago,
just as advanced as we are now, you know...
why so little progression?
why so much aggression?
It must be the fear and laziness, universal...

My life, a perpetually circling dog trying to find just the right place lie down.

whatever does not love you back
never define yourself by that
for it is the love that you have
that makes you who you are

I never truly know
who I am or where I am going
but I can no longer deny
that my love within knowing
creates and vibrates
so overwhelmingly strong
when my energy is flowing
like a river
from my glowing heart
permeating my celestial soul

I've felt your knife,
full tilt up til it's hilt.
It splits my heart in two,
yet each piece belongs to you
So please just go ahead,
pretend to be my friend.
I always will still love you,
and that is the awful truth,
which has no bitter end.

energy swirling in random spirals
chaos humming in the vast unseen
do you feel the spiritual revival
loosening the grip of the illusion machine
one more night then a moon so bright
a fruition of lessons the soul elected
allowing intuition to regain its light
truth as taught by the One resurrected

I walked into a love story that was still in bloom
Sure it might have had quite a few pages ripped and some tear drops on the binding
But all in all the story was beautiful
It was about two people that have had their ups and downs
But never stopped loving each other
There were moments that they will never forget that were gut wrenching
But their were also moments that made them feel alive
The past hurts but the future for these two only time will tell.  
I pray that they find the right combination and the right foundation to build their love to the sky
I am in love w him but he loves her.
I won't ever regret my choice to love him bc he makes the world open up and makes my spirit want to dance
She will get to lay down with him as he holds her tight at night
I'll continue to pray as they go forth in this journey that they stay safe and keep each other alive
Bc no matter what I want I want them to live to the fullest and love w no conditions.
I will always wish he loved me the way he loves her but that is not how this story is going to go.

the sun kisses my skin
as mud from a star
on a glorious evening night
with the moon not so far
and as I watch the wind flow
gently into my face
I wholly feel within
a pulling toward the notion
that  I would rather be
no other place than where I am
and all I want to do
is be grateful to God
for who I am
beyond being a man  
now as Love manifest
with a golden tan

This is for the hopeless and weary
those teary eyed and
the drowning and fearing
in fury of the love disappearing
into an electric forest of flickering screens
hearing the silent screams of billions of souls
desperately crying to be free
and the agony that is their inability
to wake up from their nightmares
and into their dreams
yet still being stuck in their sleep
no matter how hard they weep
from their knees toward the sky
an intense help me plea to the divine;

'Please fill the void inside
the design of our broken hearts
and discard the part we played
in the ever repeating drama of a life
that's only hurt and betrayed.'

Freedom exists...
in forgiveness and togetherness
in acceptance and kindness
in tenderness and righteousness
in loving more
and hating less
focusing not on what divides us
but more on what is beautiful
in all of those we meet next
expecting to see the uniqueness
of each in progress canvass
that we call the human soul
while letting go of foolish pride
and holding on to joy and hope
so that the noise of the collective love
will awaken those still dead and cold

I wish I could feel something other than this sadness
I'm really sick of all this madness
the drama I create inside my mind
if only my sanity was something I could find
except for all these joyous ruses
I'm not convinced that all these bruises
will heal and I feel like running away from me
or starting a catastrophe
to hide in the numbness...
and I keep hearing about oneness
and it makes no **** sense
might as well burn some incense
and conjure my demons and tell them that
I'm ready for relapse
so they can prepare the way to my grave
with all the rage of yesterday
oh Lord!
where are you...
I keep feigning faith and trust
yet the only things I seek are out of lust
from a disgusting array of fantasies
even worse when they manifests in my dreams
because I can hear the screams
that are coming from me
I'm not sure I'm going to be okay
I've worked so very hard at changing my ways
my thinking and perceiving of what I see
but the world is exactly as ****** up as I knew it to be
and there's no consoling me at the moment
so here is me trying not to control it
oh, **** it, I'm tired of pretending that all will be well
that all manner of things will be well in this living hell
'cuz my mind is a prison phone with the devil on the line
telling me that all I'll ever have is time...

What the hell am I supposed to do I feel as if I'm ******* because this addiction thing has proved time and again that it always wins in the end and I can't stop there is no off switch so I will probably die of this which depresses me and I confess that makes me want a drink as the cycle continues until I lose the battle and my loved ones suffer I have considered suicide to get it over with and stifle the wake of misery I've yet to leave behind but cannot seem to find the courage and you may say that rehab is the way to get and stay sober yet I submit it is a bandaid on a severed artery this I know from experience and what is wrong seems to go down deep to the very essence of me where my belief in God lives in my soul but faith has not sustained my sobriety even feeding the fear at moments when the voices are severe in my mind always trying to belittle and break me down until I whittle away into nothingness please

My heart does a flying squirrel somersault off the high dive of my butterfly cage, fluttering amongst symbols of enlightening when I think of you, or see your name written in any place or those times where I am lucky enough to get to see your beautiful face, and when I get to talk to you my heart picks up its microphone and sings to me in tune with its beat a love song Id choose to play on repeat for forever if anything at all is ever truly up to me, so when we are finally close enough again to feel the heat off our fiery twin flames, my heart will pack its things, and return home to your love again.

everything I am is a lie
my addiction waits...

what kind of role do I play
the damage is complete

I'm broken and shattered
scattered with the wind

I am all these lost pieces
hoping to be whole again

Let it pour out to drink up the love
Feel the insecurities as they bleed
Its time again to relapse in sin
Its time again to meet my best friend
Calculate how much hate i need
Bubbling, fizzing, alcoholic greed
Oh no, no no
Its time again
To get it in
before the shakes begin
Its time to sip it slow
so the world tastes sweeter
Its time to sip it fast
Cuz the world hates leechers
Metallic taste of ***** in haste
Cheap to do the job
Im trying and crying
And hiding from God
Run, run, run!
Are we having fun yet?
Beg Him for change
Not for coins but of pace
**** it lets just face the reality
We will never change
The cravings will never go away
Even taking it along with each day
Even when we pray pray pray
Leta just drink another fifth, okay?

In the realm of spiritual synchronicity,
we all have this fantastical ability,
to get what we desire,
in the burning inside fire,
awake along the path of our true destiny.

There must be something beautiful
in this sick sad tired little world
like the prettiest little tree
swaying in the wind
the one the lonely drunkard
chose to hang himself in

there is always beauty somewhere
depending what perspective takes
in a picture of a broken girl
in **** she is torn apart inside
as she tries to hide her pain
yet her eyes betray her telling
a story of a thousand words in vain

the beauty lies in love that hasn't died
it's in the perception lever
and the place you stand
so take my hand and journey with me
I'll show you no such thing
as right or wrong in man

the dead student with a needle
in his arm next to the best friend
who insisted when he resisted
with survivor's guilt and endless torment
he changes himself fermenting
a desire to never forget
now he spends his years counseling
those still trapped in hopelessness

there's beauty within persisting
behind every so called sin
so when in seeking you shall find
all God's awful grace sublime

reality is like Mario Kart
dropping endless bananas on my heart
and time has gone too far
with all its technology
that claims to be smart
full of knowledge you can see
yet it goes dark for love
so I depart
I've had enough

We are like a flower.

The seed stomped into the ground.
Our fertilizer is full of ****.
With some water to drown.
Yet we sprout, reaching for the heavens.

Then some ******* comes along with a lawnmower.

I noticed strawberry jam on my bible...
and I thought, well, that's not good...
but it occurred to me that God wouldn't mind...
and then all at once, I understood life.

light a candle on the run
build yourself for demolition
relapse before you even drug
**** a pale horse with intuition
insecurities and fear,
all clear

**** it all, detach
strike a match!

fight a fire on the sun
change yourself a lifetime mission
relax before you cut the plug
thrill a discourse on disposition
insecurities and fear,
all clear

****!
it's all a trap!

for scores of beings in existence in this lonesome hive as chemically comforted bees with many queens

for slaves who enslave the enslaved in the illusion of time perpetually counting down an esoteric clock of immortality

for dreamers still sleeping and sleepers counting sheep contently humming the sacrificial lullaby while ignoring the world at their feet

Listen to me!

for moloch and for baal and for lucifer and for horus and for baphomet and for satan they have you singing their heretical praises of christianity

controlled by the illuminations of an omnipotent flat screen TV force feeding you expired symbols all moldy with blasphemy

sexualized by the iridescent rainbows of the pedophilic Disney, ****** by Donald Duck in parental apathy

enraged by the deceit of the politically correct who suggest you obsess over unimportance and label obliviously

blamed when your grain burns at 180 degrees as a systematic shaming in the name of psychology

killing our expression by beheading creativity with an adderall laced guillotine

killing our knowledge by slitting the throat of wisdom with a callous false doctrine

killing our happiness by asphyxiating joy with a shopping bag all the while mocking

killing our legacies by ****** communities with the cold hard ***** of corporations

killing our togetherness by drowning human connection in the electrified oceans of a delusiinal social media

killing our faith by infecting our children with the spiritual disease of viral anti-christianity

Holy holy holy!

...the zombified mindset of this somnambulant society

Holy holy holy!

...the ever present sepearation from Love being free

Holy holy holy!

...the sleepwalking lemmings are cursed by their greed...

this pen is flowing ink through its tip
into my notebook of hardship and love
with a rubbery grip so my fingers don't slip
else I'd lose control
as the words flow through me
and become
a part of my soul

my body is creating poems through its hand
for the lost and broken brethren
where faith in Love is the rubbery grip
so the Spirit of Flow may take control
through these words as
they become
the art of my soul

The thugs in my mind
that make me want to
do drugs til I'm blind
spiritually are so strong
I crave relief
even with my faith
my unshakable belief in
God this addiction just waits
doing pushups outside this place
this rehab stay number unknown
I just want to go home
because being sober
will never be the case

These spiders keep crawling inside of my head.
They're weaving weary lies up into their web.
My soul begins screaming...
My heart it is bleeding...
Their invasion of fear snares me full of dread.

When I pray, I get down on my knees,
for no reason, other than to humble me,
I thank Her for the call,
I thank Her for the awe,
I'm praying to a friend, not a magic genie.

My emotions in the mirror looking into the past are closer than they appear to be -what is the truth of me- is it what I allow myself to think or is it what I feel and how do I heal my pain body building up at a cellular level doing pushups inside years of experience perceived through tears and mysteriously they linger only in my mind yet are just as real as you and I and are not limited by the illusion of time and there is no rhyme or reason as to why I can't let go so I think it must be my egocentric will that has a death grip and it needs to be killed before the true me turns over my death wish and surrenders to God's Will which wants me to be happy joyous and free having interesting and vital experiences that teach me to see clearly the source of everything is God and that listening to what She is speaking to me through others and showing me in each scene of synchronicity in every single ineffable moment is what sparks the fire in my soul and if I allow myself to go spirituality broke again by trying to regain control by pretending to run the show again the cancer will only grow into more restless irritability and discontentment rendering my true self defenseless of my self-centeredness engulfed in fear relinquishing all hope of any hope and I know I desire Love and not to be alone so hear my cries oh God -the Indefinable Unknown- save my soul and carry me... and crucify my ego.

My fears are bleeding out onto this surface I'm so tired of feeling worthless and just because I am an addict doesn't mean I don't have a purpose in healing the people on this earth mess with my overflowing love and kindness I'm not typical or critical my love is unconditional as an empath I absorb your pain and guilt and shame and bottle it up and drink it down I'm drained at the end of most days from dealing with my never ceasing brain trying to process the constant strain from stress pouring down like rain on my chest  but I digress before I sound like I'm trying to win some imaginary pity contest so yes I am indeeed a hot mess and am likely to die by drinking myself to death and even alcoholic's anonymous didn't digest as I prayed and pleaded with God from my knees to take away my disease and I had what I thought was an epiphany until the misery came flooding back so I snapped and bailed out of rehab and stopped lying to myself that any part of me wants to stay alcohol free I couldn't handle that I need my carrot dangling and waiting at the end of a day full of frustrating blends of fear and anxiety screaming at me to make amends with the friends in my head and maybe it's a sin but then again my God is loving and not nothing but everything there is including my relief in a bottle or is that me just justifying... oh jeez... get the **** out of my head!

*takes a shot

hammering on these keys
hoping that they do bleed
out of a deep dark need
to cause pain I can see
so I know that they know
how it feels to be me

I look at the world and I think
oh no not again
history repeats
so I guess I gotta say
keep your head up
spread the love
send a prayer unto it's peeps
before it's done
and you're reaped
and it's set in stone
that you are lying under their feet

so... I've been trying too hard
I play the intellectual card
my poetry *****
who gives a ****
I'm just another 'smart' ******

I'm dancing. I'm drowning. I hate myself, please leave me. No, don't go, I love you. I need you, I'm nothing without you,  please stay! Who the **** am I anyways? I never knew me. Eulogy my insanity, nothing else is me.  There's nothing in my name, I am not words, I am not okay. Leave me BE! I'm so lonely... my paradoxical heart is beating me to death and I can't breathe, not even rapturously, I'm burning alive from the inside out.  As if that feeling ever even existed, it's nothingness and pain, just like I am, constantly playing some pseudo game of cat and mouse with my mind,  except I'm never the cat until I snap and eat Cinderellas friends. I'm tired and hyper, will you please just stay and go away? I'm sick of pleading with and of you to the point where I never even loved you because I don't even know what that word or all these others mean, nothing is as it seems... I'm floating outside myself, nothing next to nothing is still nothing, full of rage. I can't do this anymore, off with my head. How can you make nothingness dead? I'm empty and nothing so how can nothing be empty, I can't contain my pain... ahhh I'm screaming someone please don't help, you can't anyways, so just play hide and go **** yourself or me, I don't even know... I so badly want to feel something, anything, can't I cut me? No, they all get mad and send me away... who the hell is talking? Is this even me? This is and isn't me. Oh ****, I AM ******. I've gotta go away.

as you gracefully walked by, your beauty caught my eye
the way that you carry yourself so well, it makes me shy
but then you walked into the door
and cursed a word with letters four
and I fell in love, as I laughed so hard I almost cried

What do you want me to say? We are both **** ups. I'm sorry I hurt you. We hurt each other... But are we going to live in the past or in the now?

I love you. I miss you. You make me cry without even hearing your voice.

123, 123 think
I'm on the brink of dear life
Past, present, and future strife
There always exists the shame
Even when I am not to blame
Tomorrow doesn't exist for me
And I am not holding onto tonight
I'm holding on to being free
Figuring out love and it source of light
learning how to love someone like me

here comes the 'cutter'?
where did compassion go?
are you ******* ******?
how can you just label a human soul?

you mock and you tease,
what used to be haircuts,
is now a 'help me' plea,
now I'm sick to my gut

have you ever used your brain?
you god ****** apes with ego trips,
for something other than self gain?
you've nothing but pride upon your lips...

Why does my mind always work its way toward suicide?

I'm trying, I'm trying...

I'm trying to figure out me,
who I am in sobriety,
and every time I think I'm there,
I peel back another layer,
and again it isn't me...

So...

give me drugs,
I try to be spiritual,
give me a rope,
I try to find God...
give me *****,
I try to be selfless,
give me a smoke,
I try to reach out,
give me a razor,
I try to move on...
give me pills,
I try to heal inside,
give me a needle,
I try to feel inside...
give me thrills!
I try and I fail...

I want to give up,
I want to give in,
and one way or another,
I want to just sin..

the cup isn't half full,
the cup isn't half empty...

the cup is where I'm drowning...

Beneath my skin, the chamber of my heart walls glistening with reflections from my spirit's flame like a dimly lit chandelier pulsating with power, an electron on the the atoms of God herself... beautifully conscious.

If I were Yossarian, I'd sail into the distant sea
I would make a mockery of my plight
I would set sail
I would become me
Water trickles off the roof
The droplets soothe me
And in this moment I do not feel free
What is it that I am trying to escape?
Is it me?
Flowers blooming lovers swooning
set me free

I hate who I am

At times I make love to my confusion,
that paradoxical craze,
at other times it's as if I'm losing,
my mind throughout the haze

At times I could move mountains,
as prideful as the air,
at other times comes illusion,
where faith becomes a snare

When I hear the ticking silence,
a torment deep within.
then I fear I'm in defiance,
abhorrently in sin

"A dreamy fantasy of you,
the kind that could never be true,
to let you know, I would not dare,
with you, I would not have a prayer,
so in the background, I am there,
I'm not a creep, I do not stare,
I think about a love that's rare,
I'm gladly in your treading air,
your mind, amazing, mine, askew
wish I, those eyes, could gaze into"

my body tingles after sipping down that first long pull
my lips dripping with the sweet fire of my greatest desire
the wave of relief washes over my entire being
I shudder because the world is finally right again
I have spent 15 long years battling these demons
I was never really expecting to win
and now I'm just so ****** tired
that I've decided to finally give in

Drown me in the ground,
corrupt my love...

Burn me in the furnace,
sweep me up...

Eulogy my insanity,
I've had enough.