Dear Randy,

     What the ****? Why do you consistently continue to **** your life up over and over again!? Why do you choose to talk to all these crazy broken women, knowing it will always end badly? Do you really hate yourself that ******* much? Or because you're crazy too?
     Is it the loneliness or the worthlessness? The boardroom or the cabin fever? Your mom's overdose or childhood horrors?  Or is it the simple fact that you just LIKE to get ****** up? And since the world is ****** up too, you use that as an excuse to USE... citing that it's all just too much for you...

Because you are a little *****!
    
     You have no excuse for the drinking,. You started young, you liked it, and never wanted to stop. So you just didn't. And now, 15 years of hell later, your mind is losing itself, turning whatever pseudo-intelligent person you used to be into a mush-brained-narcissistic-soapbox-ranting and complaining *******.
     Oh and let's not forget! Your lies... Creating stories at times that are fairly large lies that affect you and other people, just for the rush of using your mind pulling all that off, to get that person to believe you. And you maintain the lie. Often times these lies are to garner sympathy of some sort. Still, others are self depreciating, which is strange. ******* ******. Attention *****. Self-seeking self loathing self-centered self-destructive stupid selfish *******!
     You need to somehow find your big boy boots so you can finally climb out of that little fantasy world you have been sheltering yourself from the storm with. And then you can see that everyone is in the same ******* storm. Grow up, grow a pair, and start doing your ******* job and help people,  ****.

Sincerely ******* always,
Yourself

this feels so surreal
stuck in this hell still
this song I hate that's on repeat
so tired of the beat
listening alone
tired of believing others
they tell me they hear
they lie to me
as we slow dance
and I feel them
swaying out of tune
then I lie to me
hopelessly clinging on
hoping if I take the lead
maybe then they'll hear my song
and learn to love me
even though I know I'm wrong

have i told you lately that you mean a lot to me? you shook up my world in such a good way, and I would say that I owe you, but I know that your soul was just being who you are. You've saved me out of that hell I was in by simply being my friend when no one else would... I'm still not perfect, and I could still **** it all up, but I no longer want to be dead, and that to me is enough to try and begin again... I hope this make sense, sometimes my heart doesn't quite see, so i just wanted to let you know, how much you truly mean to me.

The calendar says December 31st. The eve of a new reverie, the beginning and the end of the next and last dream we perceive through our eyes which are the windows to the galaxies and the universe and the black hole pupil at the center pulling everything which is nothing into nothingness and making it real and alive and transcending who we think we are into everything we thought to be, manifesting the love we share as human beings when we allow these vessels to do their thing and experience the oneness that we so desperately need to achieve, so even if there are numbers on a page that make you say that this year I will find my way, rejoice, because you already have today and not tomorrow, because the past and that day do not exist but only on a page

my body tingles after sipping down that first long pull
my lips dripping with the sweet fire of my greatest desire
the wave of relief washes over my entire being
I shudder because the world is finally right again
I have spent 15 long years battling these demons
I was never really expecting to win
and now I'm just so ****** tired
that I've decided to finally give in

Red haired fair skinned girl
You're beautiful
Not because of the red hair
Or the fair skin
It is your kindness
Your openness
and your light within

energy swirling in random spirals
chaos humming in the vast unseen
do you feel the spiritual revival
loosening the grip of the illusion machine
one more night then a moon so bright
a fruition of lessons the soul elected
allowing intuition to regain its light
truth as taught by the One resurrected

I love you...
so I've got to let you go
we both know it's the only way
to stay sober
hoping to control the monsters inside
shadows clinging to our souls

Peace runs deep in love that says
come follow me
learn to move higher on your journey
up the mountain towards
letting what you're afraid of losing go
free falling upward
make your decision soon
choosing to have Life
through loving God and others like
Christ knew and taught us how to do

I might just do it
this idea I've been toying with
I'm tired and weak
I can't stop drinking
It's more than embarrassing
It's uniquely obscene
Who will I hurt next?
I need some relief
death seems comforting
so sick of my disease
I can't handle my thoughts
or the love that I seek
I'm missing me
hurt them once and for all
it's better then years that they weep
and then..
we all can get some sleep

someone once told me
to be a writer
I must bleed on the page
well here is me hemorrhaging
unleashing my rage
I'm so tired of being a fighter
I only wish to be free
if I allow myself to think
if I let myself feel
it makes me want to drink
I badly want to heal
I miss you
I'm dying
I hate you
I'm crying
I love you
I'm trying
I'm drunk
Help me
I'm holding on for dear life
refill my glass please
I've forgotten what's right
my blood is thin
my will is sin
my heart is dim
my love has been
why can't I bleed!
I ******* hate my alcoholic greed
I ******* hate me
take away my need
someone once told me
there's no such thing as free

What the hell am I supposed to do I feel as if I'm ******* because this addiction thing has proved time and again that it always wins in the end and I can't stop there is no off switch so I will probably die of this which depresses me and I confess that makes me want a drink as the cycle continues until I lose the battle and my loved ones suffer I have considered suicide to get it over with and stifle the wake of misery I've yet to leave behind but cannot seem to find the courage and you may say that rehab is the way to get and stay sober yet I submit it is a bandaid on a severed artery this I know from experience and what is wrong seems to go down deep to the very essence of me where my belief in God lives in my soul but faith has not sustained my sobriety even feeding the fear at moments when the voices are severe in my mind always trying to belittle and break me down until I whittle away into nothingness please

Life has hit me mercilessly
shotgun blasts to my soul
tearing out pieces of it
leaving holes that need filling
with little or no hope I push on
still reeling and out of control
I continue to smoke and drink
and think to myself that maybe
there will be an answer
in something I've wrote
therefore I write and write
in spite of my lack of ambition
just in case I find
the truth that I've been missing

I consent that I am afraid that everything is fake as if there are no actual faces in these scenes of chaos and affection where I am floating abhorring direction towards anywhere that isn't me I have the faith to move mountains but the stains remain inside my thoughts and it's hard to think about anything but pain regret and the shame I thought I walked away from but never let go of buried until I cry and release it from my eyes baptizing me in the name of love if nothing else maybe I can go home when I was young I dreamed that my destiny would be in reach at this stage and I feel it rising in my veins because now I see that I am a mirror reflecting and that the image isn't me

hammering on these keys
hoping that they do bleed
out of a deep dark need
to cause pain I can see
so I know that they know
how it feels to be me

Why am I writing with no demand?
Hoping to entertain lovers.
Do you know how sensitive I am?
Lying to myself and others.
Is my whole entire life just a scam?
Compelling that I even wonder.

What do you want me to say? We are both **** ups. I'm sorry I hurt you. We hurt each other... But are we going to live in the past or in the now?

I love you. I miss you. You make me cry without even hearing your voice.

I always fall in love with the ones
who are trying to destroy themselves

Love isn't destruction... you have mistaken me for something else. You say unconditional love doesn't exist, while I disagree wholeheartedly. Why can't you open your eyes and see me here right in front of you, with open arms... 

Love isn't sadness... let go of your past, and realize you're so much more than an addict, that if you rise above it, together we can overcome this world...

Love isn't falling... be strong and fight, you must want to help yourself... I want to be with you, but to rescue you I have to set you loose, to show you that I love you, and see if you find your way back home.

If only I could decide
do I take a leap of faith
and lose my life for love
or do I keep it for comfort?
who do I really trust...
especially not me

I noticed strawberry jam on my bible...
and I thought, well, that's not good...
but it occurred to me that God wouldn't mind...
and then all at once, I understood life.

everything I am is a lie
my addiction waits...

what kind of role do I play
the damage is complete

I'm broken and shattered
scattered with the wind

I am all these lost pieces
hoping to be whole again

this is a true story to paint
who my ego is by telling you
how I got hit in the nuts
with a basketball thrown
by a smoking hot 22yr old
during 'recess' at a drug rehab...
-twice-
so what did I do?
I dated her when we got out
because I'm not smarter than I look
and I proceeded to take
kicks to my nuts
for three straight months
and then I got dumped
so the moral or the story is;
protect your nuts

I've got to go before I go crazy
so peace out, I've got a ride
otherwise I'll just sit here
waiting on the next lover
she'll be the one this time
a close friend once told me
three women ago
so here I go riding that greyhound
time to get outta this *****
I've always liked southern accents
Cya later Michigan

"Are heaven and hell just metaphors for inner selves and our peace with each one?"

Over breakfast I suggest this to the other which is not the one that feeds

Melted chains and burn marks on my wrists
scars that remain to spark memories
existing only to play the part
to remind me
to not resist the Love
amidst this twisting worldly sphere
resisting then the atmosphere of fear
designed to wipe our minds clear
forgetting that we are all the children
of the One who came here
to disappear our iniquities
the toxicity that dwells within our flesh
recalling then that every breath we breathe
is the breath of Life
and nothing less
and I am free to express who I am
now created new through Him
leaving the past in the background
I was lost and now am found
my hands have been unbound

This is for the hopeless and weary
those teary eyed and
the drowning and fearing
in fury of the love disappearing
into an electric forest of flickering screens
hearing the silent screams of billions of souls
desperately crying to be free
and the agony that is their inability
to wake up from their nightmares
and into their dreams
yet still being stuck in their sleep
no matter how hard they weep
from their knees toward the sky
an intense help me plea to the divine;

'Please fill the void inside
the design of our broken hearts
and discard the part we played
in the ever repeating drama of a life
that's only hurt and betrayed.'

Freedom exists...
in forgiveness and togetherness
in acceptance and kindness
in tenderness and righteousness
in loving more
and hating less
focusing not on what divides us
but more on what is beautiful
in all of those we meet next
expecting to see the uniqueness
of each in progress canvass
that we call the human soul
while letting go of foolish pride
and holding on to joy and hope
so that the noise of the collective love
will awaken those still dead and cold

My fears are bleeding out onto this surface I'm so tired of feeling worthless and just because I am an addict doesn't mean I don't have a purpose in healing the people on this earth mess with my overflowing love and kindness I'm not typical or critical my love is unconditional as an empath I absorb your pain and guilt and shame and bottle it up and drink it down I'm drained at the end of most days from dealing with my never ceasing brain trying to process the constant strain from stress pouring down like rain on my chest  but I digress before I sound like I'm trying to win some imaginary pity contest so yes I am indeeed a hot mess and am likely to die by drinking myself to death and even alcoholic's anonymous didn't digest as I prayed and pleaded with God from my knees to take away my disease and I had what I thought was an epiphany until the misery came flooding back so I snapped and bailed out of rehab and stopped lying to myself that any part of me wants to stay alcohol free I couldn't handle that I need my carrot dangling and waiting at the end of a day full of frustrating blends of fear and anxiety screaming at me to make amends with the friends in my head and maybe it's a sin but then again my God is loving and not nothing but everything there is including my relief in a bottle or is that me just justifying... oh jeez... get the **** out of my head!

*takes a shot

Something to hope for,
following the stars above,
praying for guidance,
waiting for love...
never losing faith,
in God I trust,
expanding spirituality,
to try is simply enough.

My emotions in the mirror looking into the past are closer than they appear to be -what is the truth of me- is it what I allow myself to think or is it what I feel and how do I heal my pain body building up at a cellular level doing pushups inside years of experience perceived through tears and mysteriously they linger only in my mind yet are just as real as you and I and are not limited by the illusion of time and there is no rhyme or reason as to why I can't let go so I think it must be my egocentric will that has a death grip and it needs to be killed before the true me turns over my death wish and surrenders to God's Will which wants me to be happy joyous and free having interesting and vital experiences that teach me to see clearly the source of everything is God and that listening to what She is speaking to me through others and showing me in each scene of synchronicity in every single ineffable moment is what sparks the fire in my soul and if I allow myself to go spirituality broke again by trying to regain control by pretending to run the show again the cancer will only grow into more restless irritability and discontentment rendering my true self defenseless of my self-centeredness engulfed in fear relinquishing all hope of any hope and I know I desire Love and not to be alone so hear my cries oh God -the Indefinable Unknown- save my soul and carry me... and crucify my ego.

Burning cold shivers in my shoulders and neck,
the grip of lust toward death drags me downward,
only small breaths escape my chest, through clenched teeth I can hardly breathe,
I'm shaking internally...
Please don't look me in the eyes,
because they're crying,
yes I know they're dry,
as I try to hide the fear and sheer terror I feel of loneliness inside my blindness,
this dark room of lost love,
'I need help!'
I shout cries to the Above without any noise from the shell of who I was,
and though the blood it still runs,
I pray for peace it dries up,
because now I've had enough beatings from this life,
and my heart...
and I can't even pretend to have the strength to start all over again,
so thanks but no thanks,
I'm sorry...
this is the end.

The thugs in my mind
that make me want to
do drugs til I'm blind
spiritually are so strong
I crave relief
even with my faith
my unshakable belief in
God this addiction just waits
doing pushups outside this place
this rehab stay number unknown
I just want to go home
because being sober
will never be the case

The sweetness of the love I see
causes me tears out of sorrow
from rarely having felt it
yet having felt it enough
to know what I am missing

God is wearing many different shades of Orange in this gorgeous sunset over the water tonight

God is working in my life in various ways that make me get down on my knees and pray in thanks

God wears the face of a man l've only recently met who has lended me so many helping hands

God is working to restore my soul to the original mold before I grow too old

God wears the face of a dying drunk to show me if I keep doing wrong  then that is what I will become

God is working to restore my faith so I will truly let go and finally accept His loving grace

God, wear me, so I can show others what you have shown me

My heart hears the feeling of
billions of souls screaming,
those unable to wake up
into their dreams...
and inside I know,
that each one of
those trapped and hopeless souls,
are part of me...

Let it pour out to drink up the love
Feel the insecurities as they bleed
Its time again to relapse in sin
Its time again to meet my best friend
Calculate how much hate i need
Bubbling, fizzing, alcoholic greed
Oh no, no no
Its time again
To get it in
before the shakes begin
Its time to sip it slow
so the world tastes sweeter
Its time to sip it fast
Cuz the world hates leechers
Metallic taste of ***** in haste
Cheap to do the job
Im trying and crying
And hiding from God
Run, run, run!
Are we having fun yet?
Beg Him for change
Not for coins but of pace
**** it lets just face the reality
We will never change
The cravings will never go away
Even taking it along with each day
Even when we pray pray pray
Leta just drink another fifth, okay?

literally, we are living in a van down by the river. I have never been so happy, laughing and sober, our love trascending old hurts, with seagulls to feed from pantry food given to us  in true need, our greed it has vanished with our stomachs so famished, connecting with God again, bathed in praise from the generosity of those living in His name, all we can think to say is hallelujah, amen! with no shame as we hunt for cans to purchase Cheyenne's, remembering our materialism as if it were a prison, laughing all the way toward crazy, yet our minds have never been less hazy, so clear of all fear, knowing through intuition that angels watch over us, lending assistance at just the perfect time, every time, even when hope seems to be missing, especially then, so let me say it again as a destitute man with his woman living in a van down by the flowing river... Hallelujah, Amen!

this always happens
over and over again
the dream is beginning
the nightmare almost over
sober thoughts
drunken actions
hospital beds
psychiatric mansions
a broken record
pills to stop the bleeding
the hemorrhage of our meeting
are we okay to swim?
This is happening again
ascension is us leaving
hell is where we stay
we are sinking to the brink
my oily skin is heavy
in the water of your heart
drowning in the blisss
mixing In the swoon
I'm dying
you're crying
so we are too

Drown me in the ground,
corrupt my love...

Burn me in the furnace,
sweep me up...

Eulogy my insanity,
I've had enough.

I've felt your knife,
full tilt up til it's hilt.
It splits my heart in two,
yet each piece belongs to you
So please just go ahead,
pretend to be my friend.
I always will still love you,
and that is the awful truth,
which has no bitter end.

Will i ever get to go Home
to the Love where I come from
that is placed among the stars
a memory of my heart
above all hate and fear
the one created with my tears?

I think I may be dead,
or dreaming..
there's nothing new,
nothing different..
always trying to forget the feeling
of remembering why I left before
unable to rise from slumber
lack of love it keeps me under
leaving me forever wanting more

for scores of beings in existence in this lonesome hive as chemically comforted bees with many queens

for slaves who enslave the enslaved in the illusion of time perpetually counting down an esoteric clock of immortality

for dreamers still sleeping and sleepers counting sheep contently humming the sacrificial lullaby while ignoring the world at their feet

Listen to me!

for moloch and for baal and for lucifer and for horus and for baphomet and for satan they have you singing their heretical praises of christianity

controlled by the illuminations of an omnipotent flat screen TV force feeding you expired symbols all moldy with blasphemy

sexualized by the iridescent rainbows of the pedophilic Disney, ****** by Donald Duck in parental apathy

enraged by the deceit of the politically correct who suggest you obsess over unimportance and label obliviously

blamed when your grain burns at 180 degrees as a systematic shaming in the name of psychology

killing our expression by beheading creativity with an adderall laced guillotine

killing our knowledge by slitting the throat of wisdom with a callous false doctrine

killing our happiness by asphyxiating joy with a shopping bag all the while mocking

killing our legacies by ****** communities with the cold hard ***** of corporations

killing our togetherness by drowning human connection in the electrified oceans of a delusiinal social media

killing our faith by infecting our children with the spiritual disease of viral anti-christianity

Holy holy holy!

...the zombified mindset of this somnambulant society

Holy holy holy!

...the ever present sepearation from Love being free

Holy holy holy!

...the sleepwalking lemmings are cursed by their greed...

I feel your broken loneliness
in the sadness that I see
drifting past each moment
in your boat of memories
I sense a rooted worthlessness
someone said and you agreed
you search for love in places
impossible to find it seems
fear and doubt the harness
self hate their wild steed
a horse that is quite harmless
unless it feeds on insecurities
so let go and be blessed
include you in your empathy
in the hope of finding timelessness
self forgiveness holds the key

passion has left me for dead
floating along the surface
no thought of treading water
no curious intent
just a worthless life preserver
an inflated ego to resent

When I seek to find true love...
I always end up finding drugs

This...
This is my temple...
This vessel...
This vessel that I wrestle with...
This sanctuary of dreams...
This vehicle of persistent reality...
What do I see?
Who is there reflecting me?
Could I reach inside the glass sands of time and grab my reflection... the one serving its purpose, dangling like a carrot of love...
But only on the surface...
DO I see?
Or am I blinded by time...
Not only blinded, but created!
Made to be manifest!
Drawn into a new world, where the past and future rule the slave class, where the only real moments scream out of blood curtling desperation from the awful beast inside my brain...
that beast which is me, shackled with things and desires, chained up by pleasure and lust and administering drugs that keep my soul in hospice...
I must awaken my reflection...
I must shatter my perception...
I must create myself!
For I am the god of this temple...
This vessel...
Created for me...

reality is like Mario Kart
dropping endless bananas on my heart
and time has gone too far
with all its technology
that claims to be smart
full of knowledge you can see
yet it goes dark for love
so I depart
I've had enough

faith in truth outside of fear
let go the vessel no longer steer
accepting being
trusting feeling
free will becomes divinely clear