I wear our memory like a boulder
Chained around my feet
Sinking me; drowning me

I can't get you out of my head
You weigh me down
And I can't reach the surface

Every happy moment I have
Stained with thoughts of you
Like wine on the carpet

And I wonder how it feels for you
To be able to wear us like air
Like I was never there at all

I've thought of you
....every day
.......every hour
...........every minute

And I wonder
.....how you are
........are you happy
............are you alone

And I remember
......that you are
........and that you're not
...........and that you aren't thinking of me at all.

I see you in all the places you do not go.
In the grocery store by my house;
At the park where I walk my dog;
At the coffee shop downtown.


And I hear you in all the songs you do not sing.
In the sad songs that make cry on my way home;
In songs about love that make me smile;
In songs about fun times that we've never known.

And I feel you in places you've never touched.
On the palms of my hands that you've never held;
On the top of my head that you've never kissed;
In the beat of my heart that you've never heard.

And then I wonder if you were ever there at all.

I can feel us slipping away
And I guess it's better that way
Because I can't hold on to any part of you

And although we both want it
Our friendship would never fit
Into the futures that are waiting for us both

Our talks will grow to few
Until there's nothing left of me and you
And we will just live on in each other's memory

And I will marry a good man
That I love more than life
And you won't be there to see me walk down the aisle

And you will find a lovely woman
And she will share your passions
And I will want all the happiness in the world for you

Because in the end we were a chapter, not a book
A verse, but a not a poem
And now I know it's better that way.

We pretend we won't lose touch
But we will
People like us always do
We are the almosts
The almosts never last
We never last in love
We never last in hate
We never last as friends
So we fade
We fade into our own lives
We fade into memories
That may cross out minds every once in a while
We fade into acquaintances.
Into strained "how are yous" and "I'm doing fines"
Because to be close is too painful
But to hate is impossible
So we fade into that place
The place for the almosts

I know it's over
But when I pass that parking lot
I remember how we held each other
Knowing it would be the last time
Not caring that it was so wrong
And I haven't felt anything like you before
But we left it there in my car
We kissed goodbye
And we knew it was the end
And now we talk but we don't say anything
And when we see each other we're careful not to touch
Because the world would explode
So you go your way
Meeting new people
And I stay here
And I'll marry my best friend
And we will both be happy
And the world will be safe
Because it wasn't ready for us
And neither were we

I hide behind my the spine of my books
Stories that I'll never live
About love I'll never feel
And battles I'll never fight
Bravery I can only dream of having
And passion that consumes the oceans in fire

I live in worlds that are not mine to own
Worlds where people do what they want
And say what they feel
Knowing that at the end of the last chapter
Everything is resolved
And everyone is where they should be

So at night I clutch the cold leather
And cling tightly to what I know
Coming to peace with never having what they have
And not being brave or passionate
And not having a neatly wrapped ending
Just an end... a sloppy end.

I hide behind my the spine of my books
Stories that I'll never live
About love I'll never feel
And battles I'll never fight
Bravery I can only dream of having
And passion that consumes the oceans in fire

I live in worlds that are not mine to own
Worlds where people do what they want
And say what they feel
Knowing that at the end of the last chapter
Everything is resolved
And everyone is where they should be

So at night I clutch the cold leather
And cling tightly to what I know
Coming to peace with never having what they have
And not being brave or passionate
And not having an a resolved ending
Just an end... a sloppy end.

The hardest words to hear you say
While you may think it, it wasn't goodbye
It wasn't, I don't feel the same way

While it hurt to hear
It wasn't that you were sleeping with someone new
It wasn't that I wasn't in your thoughts

And though it stung my pride
It wasn't that you had moved on
It wasn't that you didn't think of my anymore

The hardest words to hear you say
Were words regret
And going back and changing things

I know that it was wrong
But I want you to know
That I don't regret anything

I don't regret one minute
That I spent with you
Even though they were minutes spent in sin

I wouldn't change a thing
Because I always did what I felt
And felt with my heart

So knowing you regret
Memories I hold so dear
Will **** me until the day that I die.

I have to be honest
I have to tell you that I remember
I remember the way your eyes shine in street lights
I remember they way your fingers felt intertwined with mine
I remember the way your run your fingers through your hair when you talk
I remember they way you kiss with your entire soul
I remember they way you held me like I was the most important thing to you
I remember the way you made me feel like I was safe
And I remember the way you left
I remember how it felt when you said you were finished
I remember how it felt watching you be happy
I remember how it felt moving on with my life with someone else
I remember how it felt to pick up the pieces
I remember how it felt to see you, and know you that you don't remember
And then I remember why I try to forget

My throat is sore from the screaming
My lungs tired from the breathing
I've given up on trying to make you see
That I am slowly fading away

My heart is losing it's rhythm
My mind's wheel's are slowing their spinning
And all the while you just keep going
Smiling as if you don't know you could save me

The world is covered in a blanket of white
From the inside, all is still and beautiful
But the trees scream for life
And the rivers freeze and crack
The grass is dried and cold
And the flowers are gone

But the coldest place of all is here
In this relationship
This back and forth keeps the winds going
And the words that blow are frigid
But neither of us will let go
And find the spring

All I want to do is make You proud
  but I am stuck sitting on fences.
I can't seem to stand fast in the straight
  So I stay, just getting splinters

I'm stuck somewhere between
  who I am and who I want to be
And the answers are so clear
  but they always seem out of reach

So I grasp at indecision
   all the while my choices break Your heart
And every day I stay in the middle
   the further we are...apart

But You never leave me
   even though it kills You to watch me live
And when I come crawling back
   all Your love You'll give

You'll coax me into restfulness
   and I'll be rebuked by Your perfection
And my bruised and broken spirit
   healed and resurrected

But again and again I let You down
   living in foolish pride
While all the time you watch
   my sin, in vain, I try and hide

I keep making my mistakes
   and You keep picking me up off the floor
And how wretched I can be won't matter
  Because You'll always love me more

Can't you see
I want to scream it at you
All the words are rolling around in my mouth
But I keep swallowing them and it burns
And all i want is you to help me
Because all of this is so maddening
But I can't seem to tell you that I'm losing it
That I need someone to help me, to care
So I just sit here
Pretending that my cuts aren't bleeding
And my mind mind isn't screaming
And that everything is okay
When really everything is wrong
And I am wrong
But to tell you would be inconvenient
Because you are perfect

Where do we go from here
Now that we know words are only words
But they hurt as badly as sticks do

And what do we say
Now that the lines have been crossed
And I'm sorry is no longer enough

What do we want
For gold and silver are just metals
And love is just lust all dressed up

And what to we believe
When there are so many flavors of faith
And most of them taste like plastic

Who do we love
For men are much to proud and women too moody
And both leave you with broken souls

And how do we live
In a world where people are giving up
While we let our problems override our compassion

I imagine that in another time
You and I said what we meant
Instead of dancing around the feelings
We both possessed

And then we held each other
Knowing how right the wrong could be
Enjoying the cover of the night
And let the morning be

And in this world
Our love is so strong
It outlasts the most wicked storm
And brings a sense of calm

And it makes me happy to think
Two people like you and me
From another place and time
Well, they chose differently

You can have my heart
You can break and bend it as you will
But I'll need something in return
I'll need the way your eyes sparkle in the light
And the way you run your hands through your hair when we fight
If you could leave your fingers intertwined with mine
Well, that would be more than fine

You can keep my dreams,
Throw them away  with us
But I want something too
I want the way you feel, flush against skin
And the way you say my name, over and over again
If you could give me your smile upon my lips
Maybe I can live with this

And you can move on
And I'll sit surrounded by the pieces you left me
Spending my time thinking about what should be
And you will find your second and third someone new
But I'll be happy here if you leave me the memories of you

Where are you, Love
I have looked for you for oh, so long
Searching crowded rooms
Peeking down aisles at the store
Knowing it was all in vain

I tried to replace you, but it's not the same.
But I try anyway.
Between nameless faces and ***** sheets
To love and lust and back again

Never once did it help, but I just couldn't stop
I searched for you  from high to low
Down on my knees I sought you out
But bruises were were all I received

But I could not find you, not at all
You weren't in his eyes
Nor were you on his tongue
But I let them have me anyway

I sent out search parties in your name
But they had nothing to show
We looked for you each night and day
But when we'd get close, you'd leave

But today I realized, that I will not find you
For you are  far too gone
I will never know your love
And you will never know me

Now who is more at loss, you ask
Whose cross is heavier to hold
It's not an answer I can give
For half the story I don't know

I may have wasted precious time
Looking for love you stole
But I found friends along the way
And you are all alone

"Old man, please listen to my tale
   for someone needs to hear
The store of a girl with lies so dark
    and oh so many fears.

Old man this is important
    not just to me but to you.
I know you don't understand
    but trust me you will soon.

You is started with broken homes,
    which leads to single lives.
And judges and courts and child support,
    well, you knows as well as I.

The woman, she had a temper,
    and her fists and words did fly.
But she did her best with what she had,
   Boy did she try.

To fill the shoes that were much to big,
    when her feet were much too small.
Her frustration needed venting,
    call me the punching wall."

"Well little girl where was your dad,"
     he tenderly said to me.
"Well old man, I couldn't tell you,
    but maybe you could tell me."

A puzzled look did grace his face
    his features stiff and tall
So finally I asked the man
    "Do you recognize this at all?"

And I held out a picture of a babe,
    fresh from her mothers womb.
And a sign saying "Dear daddy,
    please come home from war soon"

"The war has messed me up dear child,
     for I am no one's dad."
I smiled as I said to him,
   "I know sir, I understand.

But you can't blame this on the war
   for we did meet again
Because I used to visit
   until you left to follow another ***** hen."

A knowing look graced his face,
    as he remembered me.
"Dear child I am sorry,
      I should have remembered thee."

"Oh it's okay old man," I say,
     "I just wanted you to know.
I have a husband now you see,
     and a family of my own

My husband, he adores the kids,
    of which there are two.
A little boy and girl, 7 and 9
    neither of which know of you.

One day I'll tell them of a man
    who had more important things to do
And then I'll point to my husband and say
   ' I didn't have a daddy like you'

And no amount of words,
   will change what is our past.
I do not seek apologies,
   I only needed to ask.

If when you go to bed at night,
   you ever think of me.
Do you ever think what you've lost,
   or did you just believe,

That we were better off alone
    and that I'd be alright.
Or were you just to busy,
    to think of me at night.

Did you remember,
   if my eyes were brown or blue.
Did ever wonder,
   If I looked like you."

"But little girl you didn't ask
    any of those today
I can answer all sufficiently
   and help you find your way."

"Old many I didn't need to ask,
     to get the answers that I seek.
For when you did not recognize
   your smile or your cheeks,

I knew that you were fine without me,
     and your reasons for being gone,
Were that you were much to busy,
     to bring a kid a long.

And I know that you don't miss me,
    for when my husband's away,
He drops down to his knees at the door,
   longing to hug his kids all day.

You did no such thing right here,
   and now I know the truth.
You were much to selfish,
   Who would need a man like you.

But before I leave, you should know,
   that I was never okay.
I always blamed myself,
   for why you didn't stay.

But thank you for the answers,
   and maybe I'll sleep tonight.
Knowing it wasn't me, but you,
   that was too weak to fight.

I'll take comfort in knowing it wasn't me,
   that pushed your love away.
You had no spare love to give,
   so I'm glad you didn't stay.

So I hope that you are happy,
   and I hope the world is kind and true.
For I am finally okay,
   knowing it was always you.

I am the blood in my veins
I am the beat of my heart
I am the bones under my skin
And I need to see what I am

So I watch as the blood fills the bath
And I feel the beating of my heart for the first time.
And I open my skin to see the whites of my bones
And I not only touch, but feel everything

And now that I know what I am
I am gone.

Garbage lines the streets
    while vultures and thieves stand in line
    waiting to take a bite of the corporate flesh

But you....you are different.

You stand away from the massacre
  and you watch with innocent eyes
  as all that is unholy is exposed

You see everything

The blood, the fear, the regret
    they burn images into your retina
    until at night you lie awake with fear
    of what is to come.

Yet everyday you watch

You stand on the outside as they enter,
    your friends, your family, your lovers,
    the thieves, the vultures,
    all feasting on the bleeding propaganda

And you can't take it anymore

You run to the river
    and one by one you pull of the layers of your skin
    veins and bones exposed as you step in
    and you keep going

You keep going until you're clean

Who do you trust now?
Now that your teachers are longing
  to be your lovers and denying
  the looks that they've been giving
  and the words that they've been saying
  are just misunderstandings

And where do you turn?
Now that your friends are leaving
   to be with lovers who need them
   at home, and not picking up the
   phone, because the baby needs
   fed and changed

And who do you love?
Now that *** and love and lust are
    one in the same and there is no
    telling what someone wants from you,
    your body, or your mind, or just
    release from time to time

And where do you go?
Now that home has no room
    for you and family is a
    foreign concept, and all that
    you know of home are screams
    and bruises that you hide.

What is the answer?
Now how do we fix something
    that we can't admit is broken.
    Like our trust, and our friendships,
    and our love, and our homes.

The answer.... is change

My feet move against the pavement,
   though blisters form I do not feel them.
My hands brush the leaves on the trees,
   but I do not revel in their texture.
My eyes see the beauty of the place,
   but my mind does not comprehend.
For me it's bland, just shades of the same.
  
I could sip the nectar of the sweetest fruit,
  but I would not taste it's flavor.
I could hear a symphony from the heavens
  but it would  fall on deaf ears.
NowI won't feel the pain,
  and I think I like it better this way.
Now that life, and death
  and love, and hate,
  and lust, and pain,
  all look the same.