I told paul that
i am convinced
everybody is conquering
the world while I am just
sitting in this town full of
old angry white people
growing smaller by the
minute. There is either a
light too bright about to
henceforth burst out or
i am just simmering down
to a low boil destined to be
only half as special as what
every boyfriend has ever
deemed me.

Paul said a lot of things about
"my own journey", terribly cliche
things about success and happiness
but one statement that struck the
right chord

Aren't you realizing the good you're doing for yourself?

Something I could understand. Yes, I realized this.
but that didn't change the fact that the good I was
doing for myself seemed so utterly boring in comparison.

your ******* face

I have imagined this moment over and over again and now it's finally happening and I can't quite tell which direction is up or down or backwards but I guess they're all directions so it really doesn't matter as long as I'm going somewhere. I've been watching my shoelaces as I've been walking and they seem to tighten with every step as though even they know you'll have me floating right out of them. My palms have already begun to sweat and the puddles they've created in my pockets are just deep enough to drown in. I look up for a second to see the air in front of me holding a string. A grin spreads across its face as it suddenly begins to pull and my breath is stolen from my lungs. I reach out to grab it but it has already disappeared and suddenly I realize I can't breathe without you here. I close my eyes and stumble, not wanting to go any further, not wanting to face the reality of a situation that doesn't involve sleeping beside you. But then I realize, that was something we never did. I have been falling asleep beside myself for years, I have been waking up with regret and a heart broken into more pieces then the number of tiles on the bathroom floor. I have been sleeping with my head on my own chest and praying that someday you'd fill the empty space between not being able to fall asleep and never wanting to be awake.

I feel like I’m stuck in reverse.
I was making progress;
I really was.
But now I’m in the same place
I was a few months ago.
I have no motivation
To eat,
To do work,
To go out,
Or to even go to class.
People ask, “What’s wrong?”
And, of course, I say, “I’m fine.”
I have said those words so many ******* times,
But I’ve never actually meant them.
I’m stuck in reverse
When I really need to put this car into drive
And move forward with my life.

All I really want to do, though,
Is crash this ******* car
Once and for all.