raðljóst

raðljóst May 2013

enslave the mind

maybe it's dangerous,
– a fault in this flawed way of living –
to think independently.

raðljóst May 2013

(you)

you matter

because you are

(matter)

thinking about thoughts and existing and "what can I do to help?"

raðljóst Apr 2013

this is who i am.

if you took the time to lift the cover
of my book-of-self
you might just keep reading.

someone please ask me who this person inside me is.
i'll tell ya.

it feels nice to be known. by someone. just one person is good enough.

raðljóst Apr 2013

Untitled

today's epiphany
was of my likeliness to become
a jack-of-all-trades
and a master of none

raðljóst Apr 2013

falling out of love with you, d.f.

kiss me in the storm and wipe the raindrops from my face,
you're more afraid to know my tears.

so that's what you meant, when you said "forever",
you meant "for now".

well i guessed that eternity was a fake
and the last page number would be even

but then i was wrong because you took more than i could give you
and the odds were never in my favor

french songs sung with the breath of cold ***
and dizzy dancing on the back porch with you

but it didn't mean enough to be remembered,
the photographs burned out with our love.

declan you **** but i loved you then in the rain
and again on the mountain but you know
things change and i survived and you did too
and maybe yeah, that was best
because you've got that girl with the name that sounds like mine
and i've got him and he's as good sunshine
and i am happy
and i have learned

raðljóst Apr 2013

this is getting to be a routine

i said stop! stop that now!
but my blood won't listen
and my lungs won't listen
and my brain won't listen

and all the external features are blind to me
they turn away and frown
they stamp their feet all over me and let me down

and inside i feel like a hurricane
it's been let loose, destroying my sanity
my soul feeling much like the storming sea

my skin is a cage and my heart is trapped within
it calls out to the open air, says, "let it all blow over!"
but no one is near to lend a four-leafed clover

i'm **** out of luck,
got to get through
the panic
*again.

raðljóst Apr 2013

stop it stop it all now

free falling across the dark end of the room and my limbs sprawl out from my body and your fingers tremble and your eyes are staring still and what has overcome you now?
you made me up and grew me and you know i recognize the bruises marked out on my legs but i do miss you.
and even though you took yourself away from the picture, away from the world and away from me, i do love you, whoever you may be.

come back
come back
come back

i need a father.

this is the beginning of a panic attack and I don't want it to happen but it is but maybe i will just keep writing and distract myself but still think about dad but still think about gas and cars and my fears and this is the reason for those fears and he died in that car and the blonde lady came to tell me and i was four and my brother couldn't walk yet and i was flying arcross the room when he was angry at me and he stood by the door and my mother beat her fists against him to "STOP IT NOW" but he wouldn't stop the angry and he yelled and yelled and i said "daddy i missed you" and he was angry and always gone and then one day he didn't come back to anywhere.