i miss not knowing how much you miss her
my ignorance was bliss
more than that baby
it saved my life

pain could be the worst part
but the ruins left from the storm are what kills
the vacant smiles and sore bones
emptiness in conversation
roaming thoughts
drowned out screams
these are the elements composed to ****

This is it.
The end of us.
I lay my pain to rest, but if I could take another bullet I would
It was always worth it as long as I was rapped in your arms by the end of the day
If at night you held me close, id try to forget how you held her
When the lies filled up and drowned us, I enjoyed running away with you
It was always easier when I hid your torture from the world
As long as I was smiling, they wouldn't know you were trying to **** me
I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss the pummeling of my heart ever so often
I became drums to a musical show that I paid to enjoy
I'd feel the beatings to my heart just to hear your voice
Yet, when the world felt like it was eating me whole
Your embrace made it all feel like home

So i'll miss you
I'll think of us
Of you
And every attempt to end me

Thinking of him
As if there was anything for us to be
There were only miles ahead and missed connections
But he was so effervescent
It was like I was like being raptured in daydreams of him
Even when I was aware his mind included everything but me
My name crossed his mind swiftly
His name was imbedded and I couldn't escape it
Even on days when I felt the furthest away
Missing someone I've never even met
Confusion took up most of my feelings
But hearing him and seeing him be
I couldn't grasp what it was about it
Something entranced me and I drowned in hopes
Maybe he thought of me too

Oh I loved you
I held you so close to my heart
Idolizing every breath you took
I was vein and I had faith in you
Your lies were truths, until the end
I saw past the mistakes and I held u high
Higher than I've ever been
You were all I had and I lost it all
Only to survive

Time spent thinking of you
Breathe wasted speaking of you
Headaches reoccur because of you
It's the love that won't fade
The part of me that still cares
But it's the stronger part of me who serves as a reminder
That you're no good and you never were
That if I were with you
Time would be eternally wasted
My breath would shorten from fighting
And the headaches would turn into migraines

Your words spilled as I was gutted

Her silhouette became the blueprint of everything I wasn't

My body lay disintegrating into the thread count

Where we once laid and blended limbs until we felt whole

Placing bones, one on top of the other

Like a maze for anyone who tried to unravel

Now I lay with just one body and no heart

Heaving for air as I recall the times you whispered promises

Validating a love I had not predicted would build resilience

How should I beg when you leave?

What pattern of words would make the love run deeper than regret?

If we don’t make it, I know why
Its the way you talked about her on the day I fell in love with you
Your lips tired themselves of saying her name as I said yours
The way her face has crossed your mind as many times as you’ve crossed mine
But see, I’m wrong
You say you don’t love her and that she’s in the past
But if she was then why does the girl you love know oh so much about the one you loved two years ago
Why do I know her favorite spots and the places you’ve taken her to
Why do I know what she likes or hates 
How do I know who her friends are and who she’s been with
While I tried getting to know you, I learned so much about her
So when you say I’m crazy, its not that I imagine this, its that you’ve built a fairytale in my head, one I have no part in.

I liked you more than I wanted to admit
The truth felt like lies to my tongue
But my heart knew the feeling too well
Confusion arose through me
As if the small time we had to exchange thoughts could leave a mark
Wondered if my presence was necessary to you
Hoping you'd miss me like I missed you

The many ways I've told myself I am not worthy of love
All the words I left as a reminder of the pain

You'd find me under all the "I'm sorry" responses they left
Never really understanding the extent of the pain

I'd be lost under the rubble of the self-pity and disdain
Could I have been better at dodging the hurt?

To what extent did the wounds have to go?

bella como la luz que me trajo al mundo
el sol que te vendecia en las mananas
me acuerdo de tus labios
cambiando y sonriendo
habia un balance en la manera que sonreias
con cada palabra crecia mas
encontre la felicidad perdida en ti
atras de tu voz
mis palabras no llegaban al nivel
tus palabras gritaban amor
desempachaba el odio
me decias te amo
y yo crei en no solo eso pero tambien en tu felicidad
en la felicidad que me traias
no solo a mi, pero a este mundo
gracias por amarme, gracias por existir

i am so sad.
id usually come up with a more elegant ensemble of words to tell you this
but today
im too sad
too upset
obviously missing most of my sense
i cant even think of words that go together to show you how ugly i am inside
mirrors would shatter at the sight of the dread going on within me
but im breathing
thats all that really matters right
as long as im standing here like an open wound for all to open up
like a stick and poke
id like to see myself as the messenger for my inner works
but all i can hear are cries and screams for help
so help.
help me forget the hurt
allow me to see some of the good
because at this moment in time, im facing the most visible memories of pain
but i must keep breathing right
because as long as im standing here for everyone to see
they can all think of new ways to pull me apart
until the thin string of sanity has completely disappeared

Engulfed by thoughts roaming
All around are spells used for pain
Like the whispers you left with me
Promises of a tomorrow
But I've forgotten the smell of yours clothes
I wonder what your mind looks like at this moment
Any thoughts of me?
What quivers between your lips
Any spells for me?
I've caught on to them all cant you see
I've taken up a profession in searching for your love
Like a lost key
But one never carved to fit my home

double edged sword
I know you too well
like the words that pierce my heart
the feeling remains impaled in me
aggressively my soul beams out begging for the end
the end seems far, but the pain is so abrupt
like the words you direct towards me
reminding me of the love that was once there
the love you couldn't be bothered to show
the love you let fade

i knew i would be alone
from the moment i began to isolate myself
not because i felt neglected
but because loneliness was when my mind felt the safest
where i could wander within myself
no additional voices to cater to
i swam in my own emotions
enough to fill a sea

so when i end up alone again
dont pity me
ill be dancing by the sea
singing along with the voices in my head
basking in my own glory

The pain felt deep in my hollow chest, can only be felt for so long
Soon I’ll stop crying and I won't heave in pain
My chest won’t feel so damaged and suffocated
I’ll begin to breath
All while you’ve been fine
Your chest is gleaming and your smile has grown wider
You don’t look at me the same way
I’m an object but wasn’t I always
I’ll feel eternally idiotic for being put through it all
Had I been a little uglier, you would have never stayed
Had I been prettier, you would have stayed
I wish it wasn’t true but as my heart heaves and my breath shortens, I now know why you came
To stare at the horizon only to turn away when the sun comes up
To watch the movie without listening
You came for the view; not the person inside  
I could say I’m heartless, that I feel no pain
But these stomps on my chest are marks
They will stay and they will remind me with every bruise why I left

Because of you I never learned how to love
I wreck and dishevel hearts
My hands are too stern to learn how to caress
I'll never know how to make his heart confident in my love
Your lies created a monster in me
One that would never learn how to love
Turning me into someone who could care less
Your crippling songs just became words to me
So when I told him I loved him
I'm afraid he thought they were just words

He tried saving me
whatever it is that I am
I'm not sure if I'm labeled unfixable
or just damaged for an amount of time
all I know is he believes in loving me
but I also know I'm too hurt to be loved
to remind myself every sunrise that I am loved
to fall asleep to the warming feeling of being loved

I've become the best director
implanted countless scenes into my brain
you always get the lead role
the guy and whatever girl he can get
the one who hurt him in the past
or the girl that gives it away so easily

my brain begins to malfunction from all the processing
who knows what ill make up next
but the thing is, its not all imagination
see you've set the play for me
you found the characters
and it was you who gave me the story
it was your actions that created the nightmare in my brain
all I can do now is try to decipher the reality

how long did you hold her?
how happy did you make her?
what did you tell her as you laid over her?
did I ever cross your mind as you touched her?

but most importantly
when will I forget?
I don't think theres enough time in the world for it
I fear that I'll grow old and carry this pain with me
I'm afraid my bones are too weak now

She was only a dream at first
Then they mentioned her name
You made sure to dress her up
Expressed every piece of her until she was real
All of a sudden I knew her all too well
I could not only fear her, but see her
She was completely built and adorned right in front of me
Yet, she was just part of my imagination right?
Until, you made her my reality
How long did you miss her?
Was it that time you brought her up
Sorry, I mean the few dozen times
Like when I wasn't to be touched because of how she reacted when she was
How I wasn't to be trusted because of how she acted when she was
Let's not forget she knows this all too
I imagine her face too often
The feeling of security she soaks in
A feeling I no longer know
All because she knows you missed her while I wasn't to be cared for
I can hear the comments her and her friends made
They're even louder when you tell me you love me
For every I miss you I get, the one you gave her just becomes louder
When will I forget.
Lets be honest, I wont.
I mean, you didn't.

you should have told me it was going to be this hard
during prayer you should have been there
to listen and guide me
you were supposed to be there to hold my hand
when i had nobody else
i expected your warm embrace
all i wanted was a guiding hand
my prayers fell deep and you didn’t listen
i stopped visiting and talking
our communication was lost
i never found you

I hope it kills you to watch me rot inside
You got the front row seat
It's like you planned it all
Every inch of pain spread across my body
Created by you and intensified by your emptiness
Like you couldn't bother to remember I had a heart
But I bet it makes it all easier
To imagine I was dead inside already
Well, now I am
Now, there is nothing

If the pain could grow legs, would it walk away

Would it pity me

When my eyes lose the light and my body begins to bruise

Would my tears be enough to keep it away

If I screamed at the top of my lungs, would it run away

Could I teach it to hide if I swore at it

Will my scars remind it to stay away

What about the tears in my mothers eyes

Would pain know it’s place

dont you wish there was another world
in another dimension
one so distant from the one you occupy now

you could escape it all
the pain theyve caused
all the forgiveness youve had to find
youd be able to live
even without the pain
they couldnt reach you i bet
youd light up your own world and the skys would gleam
there would be self love enough to last you a lifetime

imagine running to this place
imagine needing nothing or nobody
imagine never being hurt
imagine never having to forgive

Sometimes the picture gets smaller
I imagine my feet tiring of running
Becoming only a speck on everyones mind
Until I'm no longer in reach
Escaping from those who caused me pain
It could only be me
My self love
One that never made me doubt myself
Not the kind that made me hate myself
Could I live?
If all I had now was just a memory
Could I pick up and leave it all behind
Would it save me from the pain
Or would the pain they caused become embedded in my brain

filth in the intestines
brutal trails among my spine
****** shivers through my skin
a quivering thought could set me off

i remember loving you
knowing how comfortably my heart fell into your palms
trusting every word your soul spoke
even thinking about our future as one
the children we would have had
what color eyes do you think they would of had?
hopefully a color that wont pierce aggressively like your lies
the ones you spit at me like darts
aimed straight at my heart
the one that wont trust a word you say anymore
would I even believe you if you said your name?

lets speak louder now
ive gotten used to yelling over the lies
hoping the volume will cancel out the past
but I still see you
laying on top of her
whispering how happy she makes you

lets speak quietly now
eventually our hearts will give up too
catch up to our minds
invest in our futures
instead of this ailing relationship

We try so hard to look for the love which we desire
Yet none of us know that what we want won't always be delivered
We ask and plead, but there's no
need
As we progress, we grow, mature, and learn
Take in responsibilities and learn to love simplicity on its own
Take or give a couple of inexplicable circumstances
And you're given a life
Breath in the new and release the old because life is about adventure and prospering where you never thought possible
Because what you desire is not always given, but what is delivered can grow a mountain of love

Every morning I wake up and make sure it's true
Stuck in a nightmare where I replay the same day, but instead, it's just a feeling I can't shake off

It starts with the pain I feel knowing he could hurt me again
Followed by the circles in my stomach as I think of her making him satisfied and whole again
Then come the tears as I realize I'm not what he ever wanted

I wasn't ever made for him the way he was made for me

In my eyes, he was never perfect
But perfect isn't what I was searching for

I was on a hunt for love like no other
One that would erase all the pain from before
A love I could use as a trophy after survival

But I placed too much trust in him                                        
In the ability for another human to devote time and care for me
Someone with little value and absolutely no self-love

Nobody loves a tortured girl, not even the ones who enjoy causing the pain

closed eyes, open mind
tell every cell in my body it isn't real
it didn't happen again
touch isn't real and the vacancy in your body is just a dream
his words didn't cause me to bleed but his touch almost killed me
close your eyes, they wont see
he knew too well, you'd keep mute
they know you well, you'll never say
because he wasn't the first
he just took what was left

teaching me how to disconnect
you kept me from my own thoughts
helped me escape the monsters
yet, forced me to concentrate on you
the way your heart couldn't focus on mine
I watched your eyes lose sight of mine
Tried teaching myself not to love you
But I failed the same way you failed at loving me
So I stayed
Watched you hate the thought of us
Heard you talk about anything but us
As I spent nights thinking about us
The older version
One where two people loved each other
Two against the world
But now its me and the unavailable you

not one human
no person
or living being
has ever cared
nothing breathing talking or functioning at all, has ever cared

do you get tired of forgiving
how does your heart do it

how is it that every human youve come across
ends up needing you forgiveness
for the worst things possible

your mom couldnt love you
but its up to you to forgive her
your dad took away your childhood
but you had to give him your forgiveness
your mothers husband ruined your life
but you must forgive him
your friends lied to you and hurt you
but if you dont forgive them youre lonely
your boyfriends have torn you to bits
but you wont feel "love" if you dont forgive them
that man assaulted you
but youll never move on if you dont forgive him
you family used you
but you wont have anything if you dont forgive them

forgive them all
until theres nothing left of you
i hope you continue to find the pieces
the ones that fall apart everytime they break you
i hope they continue to come together although you devastated them
i hope you find that human
whoever they may be
i hope that one person doesnt break you when you let them hold yo

compare yourself to her once more
hold on to the skin banding around your waist
convince yourself this is why he left in the first place
or was it all the hate you had
for the world and yourself
was she prettier than you or just carefree
could she laugh more instead of cry
did she hate herself as much as you hate yourself
how easy was it for him to lay with her
without hearing her cry
with you its like a dark shelter
you only produce negativity
but what can you do when you look like yourself
act like yourself
and love like yourself
a weak, flawed, and miserable creature
he didn't leave just because of your looks
he left because of everything you are and everything you'll never be

she fell in love
fell into a stream of promises
lost hope in the way people loved
found herself in a puddle of tears
built by those who promised nothing but love
she learned how to swim
then they invented waves
she taught herself how to ride
they still found ways to hurt her
but she must forgive
she must always forgive, for hurt people hurt people
what she didn't know was, she was hurt by only hurt people, who didn't know how to heal
so she forgave, until she couldn't do it anymore
until she couldn't do anything anymore

They all said it
Each one of them looked at me with a gentle smile and doused the words on to me
"I love you"
I wish I had a mirror to see my face as I smiled back
As my innocence took over me and believed
That so many souls could love one like me
Could they care for a lifetime?
Would they carry along everything inside of me, even what they couldn't love?
I didn't ask, but I should have
Instead I watched each one leave and toss me bits of myself as they drifted
There were even some pieces of myself I never got back
As I watched them leave I wondered how their souls were strong enough to hurt mine
But what if those got lost too
What if they hurt me because they didn't find their missing pieces
What if they thought I had them
I didn't have them, and now I have nothing

habia un balance en tu sonrisa
tu mirada calmava todo, asta las olas mas enormes
tus venas corrian largas y agiles como tu corazon
crecio en mi un amor, casi como el tullo
aprendi a reconocer un amor eterno
en tus miradas y sonrisas
encontre una razon
seguir despertando al mismo sol
uno que ya no vez mas
pero si pudieras, lo amaras tambien
tanto como me amas a mi

You and me
A simmering hum in the night
Birds chirping
Creatures crawling under wooden boards
A mother's touch
Small but meaningful
We start as a minuscule joy
Only to turn into the joyous laughter of the day
A sunrise
A parade

although she is loved, she is not missed
although she is given presence, she is not cared for
not like her
not like he cares for her
or not like he misses her
but she is adorned with attention
just not wanted like her
she is eager for his love
but he doesn't want to give it like he gave it to her
she is full of hope
her mind is somewhere else
he already gave her the affirmation needed
she waited months for the affirmation
he doesn't think unless its about her
her and she are not the same girl
for he thinks she is too much all while dreaming about her
she wants the love he once gave her
the love she got wilts easily while he never stopped loving her

She’d be profound if she shared wiser words
The kind to evoke relativity
Yet, she shares simple pleasures only
Heart and mind dabble within her
Sharing pieces would feel enough
But every urge encourages a deeper focus

Learning from behavior would be wise
She could share pieces if it meant holding on to whats hidden
The darkest bits of misfortune

It’ll all entail a journey through understanding
An aspect of humanity not generously shared
Divided among willingness and doubt
She could walk the line
But with every ache there’s a story

Heavy words to carry
The kind to not roll off her back
Like pebbles wrestling through a river
Soundly words sing lyrics of torture through her mind
Echos of memories and flashes of disdain
She is encompassed by all that was
As she remains

He laid with me in the puddles of blood
Red linen and decaying pillows
I made my bed of truths and he watched me fall asleep
He pushed my hair away from my tearful eyes
Exposing every piece of evidence
The kind that proved I was in fact, heartless
I cried for the truth and I yearned to be able to feel
A cautious soul who never learned how to love
It's all I was to myself and now what I'll always be to him