Hot and cold fight
for control
Neither winning
(for very long at least)
And that disjointing feeling
I have still
is in the forefront of my mind
I feel so less like normal and
wondering why my Head would
do This to me

disjointeddisjointeddisjointeddisjointed

When the tension pools in a specific place in my stomach, I freeze. I cannot think i cannot move and then I am filled with a knot. And with a breath I am sawing at the rope, at the knot, and piece by woven and frayed piece I loosen the ball at the end of the rope and
I come undone.

Pigeons have pink feet and
the People surrounding me have
none
They float by, un-fazed by the ground beneath them

You know that feeling?
when you come home drenched in rain and happiness after
a Downpour
When you hair is plastered
to your face and that
Feeling
of when you take that first sip of tea.
How it seems to target
all the places of the rain that hit your skin

You know that feeling when you take
a big Gulp,
and the heat traces
its way
all the way into your stomach
and Suddenly you aren't cold anymore
your body parts are, but
you aren't

You know that feeling of half dry skin?
How it feels like smooth paper.

You know that feeling when suddenly, Things
don't matter.
It doesn't matter if you got that scarf wet
or if you'll catch a cold
because you have that Feeling

And that feeling makes everything else
okay

It isn't the marks on my arm
it isn't the thoughts in my head or the way I act or the tears dried on my pillow.
those don't matter.

I need to create a future and so none of this matters.
This is my in between time and
******* is it hard
but it only shaped me a little
it only molded me with light touches, it only sketched
its mark across my wrist
it doesn't define me.

so this isn't me
I am normal I am not messed up I am ordinary
iamnotmessedupiamnotmessedupiamORDINARY
I
am
ordinary.

Summer stops and then I begin

rain drops fall on each protruding part
of my body.
My breast, the
small
Of my back, my
knobbly-knees.
And I imagine those drops
recognizing something inside
of me
that others don't.
And I imagine
that something to be
a One of a Kind
Trait.
The rain finds me
when I can't;
The rain reassures me
when insecure is
All I feel.
I catch myself in storms
I am falling from the clouds
To nourish
those who need it.

I feel like I'm sinking
I'm going down, to who knows where
And all it is, is beneath me
To say I know it would be remiss
Below, Under, Deeper In
I'll not be able to escape this life.
Because I'm going down
Submerging more--an inch a day
It's a quicksand pit
It's a sea cave and the tide's on the rise
I am Strapped to the wall in the back of the cave
I am falling through quicksand with no hope of a rope
Can't pull myself out
All the kids do it these days
They love Submersion
I guess I've just never gone with the flow
Why start now?
I'll find a rope,
cut my ties,
and Start
                To
                       Fly