Today I woke in the  d e p t h s  of the ocean.
I opened my eyes.
It was like they were closed.
Thick, seeping, cold, black  d a r k n e s s  ,
   forcibly embracing me from behind
I opened my mouth to scream.
It was like my vocal chords had been  c u t  .
Bubbles of air popped desperately out of my mouth
   empty, useless, oxygen
I moved my arms.
They were heavy as pale sacks filled with thousands of metal beads,
    sludging around in the  a b y s s  
I listened.
The silence was so loud it screamed my thoughts into a head-shaped megaphone.
I felt my heart pound out every painful  b e a t
I was shrinking with the pressure,
    pressing down on me like a wine-press on all sides,
    turning my skin into  t e a r s
Emotions picked at my bones like little silver scavenger fish,
    blind to truth and light
I fell to my knees.
Everything was slow,
    slowing and slowing
    the more I wanted it to go
    faster and faster
Sediment of history, ashes, feces,  d e a t h  ,
   crumpled at my knees
I cried.
Too bad the tears are invisible,
    blending into the salty atmosphere
    with no recognition to be found
A shadowy  b l a c k  form rested on the floor in front of me.
I stared at it,
   a sense of dreadful familiarity
The  c a r c a s s  of something once beautiful and living,
   rotting
   decomposing
   fading
   fed on by the bottomest of the bottomest creatures of the ocean

E m p t y . Carcass.

It's the shadow of the future of my soul,
  dying at the  b o t t o m  of the ocean,
  what I can become down here while refusing to ackowledge truth and love
I breathed.
And oxygen rushed in my nose,
   fell down my throat
   embraced my lungs
   soaked into my muscles
   rubbed my heart
Was I  f r e e  ?
Suddenly I realized what I should've been hating all along,
   the cold
   the darkness
   the weight
   the chosen death of my soul
But I had a choice...I  s w a m
Up and up, moving my arms in new, synchronized dance,
   reaching for the brightest light
   for my own water sunrise
And as the warmth stroked my face,
   the light burned my eyes,
   my fingertips  b r o k e  the surface
I took my first life breath.
And I saw your face.

I'm falling in love with a panther.
He caught my eye in the dark...
   or was he the dark?

Silky black powerful faraway huge
His shoulders rolled with a twist of his stride
Bringing him closer to electrify my side
   and give me a glimpse
   of his battle scars

Fingers of fur to tickle a laugh
Dark melancholy to beckon a past
I placed my hands on his whiskery face,
let them slide behind his agonized gates
Are those words that were spoke from me or him?

In his ambling walk lives a passionate heartbeat,
     in his hunted gaze the joyful sorrow of seeing and remaining unseen
     behind great sharp leaves and semi-permanent shadows

Warmblooded, crystal river, feeling panther
Not so unknown
Not so feared or shunned
What's this crimson breath in my throat?

To hear his cry a mile away
What is this wrenching, muddy pain in my soul, in my core,
      calling me like one I've known
      and yet never before?
Panther, please don't die

I turn just in time to see the darkness rolling over his tear-drenched side
Fall to my knees to catch his heavy head in my determined palms
      watch as his blood trickles from him to me,
      feel it absorb into the promise in my skin

When the soft pastel of day caresses his black silhouette,
      I place a wondering hand
      on his warm, lifting chest
Stroke my fingers along his chin to his ears
Peaceful shutters covering his eyes in temporary rest from The Chase,
      nothing to remind me of the danger
      but a flick of his sleeping paw

When I lay next to him with my back against his hard belly and my foot brushing back to still his,
       my heart finds its elusive case,
       my fingers his wiry, black fur
There is a panther heart in mine.

Muzzle near my neck and fire racing sanity
What is this love-shaped thing misting my mind?
Heavy, muscled body shifts and I brace myself for the end
Instead I find myself face to face with my other half

Gazing into a deep dark silky pool
        I can't explain
        can't seem to leave

Beautiful unexpected deep impassioned new
I think I've fallen in love
Eyes of my panther sad, understanding, wise, searching for something I don't have
I'd follow him into any jungle dark
       latte and chocolate
       coat and skin

Face to face yet with burning eyes straight ahead
I rest my hand on his thick dark neck as we walk side by side
My panther and me
Down a road neither can know, bound by something so sweetly unseen

The clock is ticking its cardiac arrest,
    minds fall into the spastic timing.
Well, my eyes are falling.
Whisper lashes on my cheeks
    not my own.
A panther's sigh on a leopard's side
Little girl step into your woman shoes.
I keep my smile above the painted ruse
    their lungs filling with icy air,
    turning my words to vapor.
Rainbow arching over my head,
    lead me to your futuristic *** of gold.
Is that feathers tickling the skin of my arms
      or is that your hair?
Make the ceiling your ocean.
Salty smells
     just sail away
Just when I think I've conquered the shadowy mockingbird in my mind,
   my heart jumpstarts at false thunder rolls.
Tongue, decide between blood and caramel.
Run, you little fears as fast as you can
  so I can bend over to pick some flowers.
Watch my dreams travel into your eyes,
    I've fallen into their velvet hole.
Spaces are filled,
    branches bending,
As my feet pound the dirt back where it belongs.

What if I told you I love you?
What if the person inside me
   saw the person inside you
   and told you you were becoming
   what you were meant to be?
Don't look into that shattered mirror again
It's only showing the outside man.
Come
Hold me from behind
Put your arms around me
Your hand in my trembling hand,
  dark eyes cover blue eyes
Come try a glass of my perspective.
If you could see deep into your cobwebbed soul
Dare to step on broken pavement,
I would tell you fear is nothing but a barrier,
  and you already know how to steeple.
Look
At your body on the table.
Open your ears to His fountain
Let me move into your scars and shine into your stars
Let it melt all the way,
  haven't I told you I love the taste of chocolate?
Now we're going to go underground
  test out your roots
  knock on your core
  count the rings of your forgiven sorrow
You know that your strength is unknown,
   your enemy your own
Handsome hand
Trace the music and let Him free your impoverished soul.
Can I hold the dusty forbidden key?
Let your weight fall upon me
   there's more than me holding you up
Follow my gaze
Don't turn away
For what if I told you
  I only flutter for you
What if I told you you already know how to dance
  our bodies in rhyme
  our minds in time
 Colors bleed from me to you,
Storms may pursue.
But what if I told you
  I've grown up right next to you?
  that I love your color blue
Yes I heard you when you told me
  I drive you crazy and asked "can I keep you?"
Check your back pocket.
   this is the receipt.
For I told you I'm holding hands with a man
  and he's inside of you
I named him Beautiful.

Shards of glass are twisting in my heart
Shrapnel I didn't know could already be there.
Funny how I know, how I knew,
My worst fears would tumble out of your mouth
Into my ear, down through a phone chord to my heart.
A chord with your name on it
That's played only victrola music for you
Ever since my lonely eyes met you.
You checked yourself in
Now you're bailing yourself out,
You say to keep the hurt and my heart apart...
Well, it's too late, you already played that part.
The shape of your hands, the roll of your pen,
My soul was just beginning to memorize.
My mind sings don'tleavemedon'tleavemedon'tleaveme
But my eyes are looking straight ahead.
Because I,
I see you
And this poem is far from being finished yet.

Losing my words,
Losing my heart,
lost in the stroke of your fingertips
and the heat of your dark.
Hearts clumsily brushing,
awkwardly flashing,
pretending that you haven't
Taken my words,
Taken my heart,
clouded my thoughts.
Dance fingertips, dance,
away and far,
swirling muddy water in your car.
Lightning strikes my heart through our connected palms,
side by side friends will be,
beginning to lean over the barriers of More,
Stroke me confused.

There's rain outside my window
and warm precipitation in my gaze.
What if gravity flew backwards,
pushing into my face
down a kite to my heart.
Rain, rain, go away,
I'll face you another day.
So what
If I see dark eyes
So what
If my pulse leaps through his hoops
So what
If fire only grows warm  next to you.
Just press a ear to my silence
and maybe then you'll hear
The monster Fear and the mother Silence.
For I shall live, I shall smile,
and that my skin melts at his fingertips,
is a secret I shall never tell.