I'm sorry for being me
I'm sorry for having too many flaws
I'm sorry that I've pushed you away
I'm sorry I don't say much anymore
I just don't know what to do
I'm sorry I'm so hard to understand
Too complicated for anyone to stay
I guess that's why everyone ends up leaving me
Don't worry, I'd leave me too
I'm sorry that I don't have an explanation as to why I'm so sad
I don't know how to change that
I'm sorry I don't have motivation to save myself anymore
I'm giving up on me
Just like you did too
I'm sorry I'm constantly anxious and biting my nails
I'm sorry that when you speak I'm just silent and cold
I'm sorry that I'm down sometimes
I try not bother you with my problems
"I'll be okay I promise" I lie time and time again
You believe me and think I'm fine
But in reality
I'm never going to be okay and that really scares me

You hate yourself? What do you mean?

I mean I hate every part of me. I hate the way my hair looks. I hate my thighs, I hate my stomach, I hate my face, I hate my mind, I hate every last bit of me. Its like being trapped with one person you hate with all your heart, the one you find just repulsive, absolutely disgusting and horribly ugly, forever. You know how sometimes you'll look in the mirror and even though you don't like yourself most days, you'll have a day where you can look in the mirror and say, "wow I look good" and be confident? I NEVER HAVE THOSE DAYS. EVER. When I look in the mirror I see the ugliest thing ever. I see my worst enemy. I see my every flaw, because flaws are all I'm made up of.

Full places
2. Having to answer the phone
3. When the teacher says "find a partner"
5. The deep, nervous and bad feeling in my throat when I'm outside
6. Ordering at restaurants
7. Not being able to smile back at people so I look down and smile at the ground like an idiot
8. Am I breathing too loudly?
9. When I feel confident about going somewhere, but the closer I get, the more nervous+sick I feel
10. Trying to talk to someone in a group of people, but I don't because I'm afraid I will look ridiculous
12. When someone doesn't text back. So up convince myself that they don't like me
13. Not being able to eat in front of anyone
14. When I'm going to bed+all of a sudden my mind filled with thoughts of things that could go wrong the next day
15. Walking with my eyes fixed on the floor so I avoid eye contact with other people
16. The never ending fear that the teacher will force me to speak or do something in front of the whole class
17. Not reading loud in class because everyone stares and hears how nervous am I
18. Hearing people laugh behind me so I'm assuming its at me
19. Waiting rooms
20. When the teacher calls on me go answer something during class
21. When I can't walk in the hallways at school because I feel like everyone is judging me
22. When the teacher says "if you don't start raising your hands, I'm going to have to call on random people
24. Having great conversations with someone over text,but being afraid to hang out with them because I think they won't like me in person
25. Attempting to say "hello" back when someone suddenly greets me and end up just looking to the person without the ability to talk
26. Constantly feeling like I'm going to throw up
27. Playing out conversations in my head before meeting people
28. Leaving the house
29. Eye contact
30. Walking on my own and feeling like everyone is watching me
31. Not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk to people
32. When the teacher is taking the register in alphabetical order and I know my name is coming up
33. Thinking everyone in the room is talking about me
34. Holding in coughs in class so I don't draw attention to myself
35. Checking my phone because I don't know what to do with my hands
36. Knowing the answer to the teachers question but being terrified to raise my hand and draw attention to myself
37. Constantly feeling like the pressure is on me to start conversations
38. Feeling like everything is my fault
39. Being scared of not being able to get out of a room full of people
40. Being scared of sitting next to a stranger
41. Being afraid of seeing someone I know
42. Getting anxiety during lunch, so I feel sick and I don't eat, which makes me more anxious cause people will judge me for not eating
43. Being scared to go anywhere in case I have a panic attack
44. Not eating in school
45. Entering class late
46. Avoiding crowded events
47. May having a panic attack in school

I self harm
to see crimson
to feel alive
to have control

I sleep all day
to wake up
with no problems
wishfully hoping
they vanished
while I was sleeping
my demons away

I feel like a stranger
I'm no longer me
They took over my life
I don't like what I see

Monsters in my head
Cuts on my wrist
Sleepless nights
I won't longer exist

Make it all stop
My end is coming near
This is goodbye
I'm so sorry my dear

I get how you're feeling I can help you
No, you don't get it
just because you're sad sometimes, doesn't mean you can understand depression
just because you cry sometimes, doesn't mean you can feel the amount our pain
just because you have mood swings, doesn't mean you have illness
depression feels like you're drowning, but you can see everyone around you swimming
depression is like a monster in you head, which is always weighing you down
even when you think you're happy, something clicks you and you realize you're sad again
when everyone around you laughing, you feel SO alone
depression makes you drift from people
I'm not the same anymore
depression stops you from wanting to do things that you used to love
like you're not good enough
hating every inch of yourself
you wake up every morning know how hard and long day is going to be
thinking about how to end things
planning escape routes  
the worst part?
knowing how hard it is to get better
I won't ever get better
because I'm me
A FAILURE
and that terrifies me
so NO, don't tell me you understand how depression feels and that you can help me
because NO ONE does
NOT ONE PERSON AT ALL

You can never understand, how much courage it takes for one to end their life;
The thought of putting everything to an end and not wanting to exist anymore.
And yet, some people say it's selfish of them to do and act that way.

What's saddening is the fact that one could feel so much pain in themselves,
That they see death as the only way out;
The fact that one would rather die than to be who they are.

Some people are able to try, and perhaps, see some light in their life
But for someone who attempted suicide, seeing it as the only way out,
It's as though their world is completely dark and they've lost all hope to live anymore.

Attempting suicide is the act of wanting to die.
And dying is the end of existence, an end, the point of no return.

What makes you think you have the right to criticize their act, and
What makes you think you are so sure that there is another way out,
When you aren't even sure who you are and how do you feel?

R

At first I thought I was alone. I thought I was the only one who felt pain and struggle; who fought against myself when I was alone at night. But now I realize I’m not the only one. I've noticed that maybe the two of us aren't very different, and when I look into your eyes I can see what you go through. I can watch you run from all that hurt, same as me. We both run together: from change, from long, from shame, and imperfection. But I guess none of us stop to look around us at those that may be running too. None of us believe that there might be someone else out there feeling the same way we are. Instead we try and get past it alone, but that can **** us if we let it. Sometimes it’s better to just walk back the way you came, and smile for a moment.

Anon: don't be sad just be happy.
Me: lol happy! Happiness something l will never achieve I just can't tell myself I'm happy, I regret waking up every morning because everyday is just another day of misery, you could hold a gun to my head right now and I wouldn't even flinch, happy? Dying would make me happy.

I walked to my class alone
I covered my face with my hair
I entered the class
The girls stared at the new freak girl
I sit at the middle of class beside the wall
I heard some girls talking about the holiday
Other girls were gossiping about the teachers
And others were just sitting
A girl sit next to me
And she was complaining a lot because her friend is in another class
She looked at me and asked me "where are you from" "What's your name" and I answered her
I was so anxious
When I had to tell my name for every teacher
I was scared and terrified
I hate school
I hate going out
I hate meeting people
I hate everything

People think depression is sadness. People think depression is crying. People think depression is dressing in black. But people are wrong. Depression is the constant feeling of being numb. Being numb to emotions. You wake up in the morning just to go back to bed again. Days aren't really days, they are just annoying obstacles that need to be faced. And how do you face them? Through medication, through sleeping, through cutting. When you're depressed you grasp onto anything that can get you through the day. That's what depression is, not sadness or tears, its the overwhelming sense of numbness and the desire for anything that can help you make form one day to next.