I'm just a girl lost in dreams.

Dreams that can never be.
Dreams of things that aren't known.
Dreams of places unlike home.
Places you've never seen.

Dreams where the impossible happens.
Dreams where love is passion.

My dreams consist of things that could never be.
So why do I dream of things that cannot be?

The answer is simple;
You'll never get a depressed
You'll never be sad and alone,
Or desperately miss your home
In this place we call dreams
That always seem to be
An escape for mankind
Where you go places you'll never find.

I get how you're feeling I can help you
No, you don't get it
just because you're sad sometimes, doesn't mean you can understand depression
just because you cry sometimes, doesn't mean you can feel the amount our pain
just because you have mood swings, doesn't mean you have illness
depression feels like you're drowning, but you can see everyone around you swimming
depression is like a monster in you head, which is always weighing you down
even when you think you're happy, something clicks you and you realize you're sad again
when everyone around you laughing, you feel SO alone
depression makes you drift from people
I'm not the same anymore
depression stops you from wanting to do things that you used to love
like you're not good enough
hating every inch of yourself
you wake up every morning know how hard and long day is going to be
thinking about how to end things
planning escape routes  
the worst part?
knowing how hard it is to get better
I won't ever get better
because I'm me
A FAILURE
and that terrifies me
so NO, don't tell me you understand how depression feels and that you can help me
because NO ONE does
NOT ONE PERSON AT ALL

You hate yourself? What do you mean?

I mean I hate every part of me. I hate the way my hair looks. I hate my thighs, I hate my stomach, I hate my face, I hate my mind, I hate every last bit of me. Its like being trapped with one person you hate with all your heart, the one you find just repulsive, absolutely disgusting and horribly ugly, forever. You know how sometimes you'll look in the mirror and even though you don't like yourself most days, you'll have a day where you can look in the mirror and say, "wow I look good" and be confident? I NEVER HAVE THOSE DAYS. EVER. When I look in the mirror I see the ugliest thing ever. I see my worst enemy. I see my every flaw, because flaws are all I'm made up of.

I'm sorry for being me
I'm sorry for having too many flaws
I'm sorry that I've pushed you away
I'm sorry I don't say much anymore
I just don't know what to day
I'm sorry I'm so hard to understand
Too complicated for anyone to stay
I guess that's why everyone ends up leaving me
Don't worry, I'd leave me too
I'm sorry that I don't have an explanation as to why I'm so sad
I don't know how to change that
I'm sorry I don't have motivation to save myself anymore
I'm giving up on me
Just like you did too
I'm sorry I'm constantly anxious and biting my nails
I'm sorry that when you speak I'm just silent and cold
I'm sorry that I'm down sometimes
I try not bother you with my problems
"I'll be okay I promise" I lie time and time again
You believe me and think I'm fine
But in reality
I'm never going to be okay and that really scares me

At first I thought I was alone. I thought I was the only one who felt pain and struggle; who fought against myself when I was alone at night. But now I realize I’m not the only one. I've noticed that maybe the two of us aren't very different, and when I look into your eyes I can see what you go through. I can watch you run from all that hurt, same as me. We both run together: from change, from long, from shame, and imperfection. But I guess none of us stop to look around us at those that may be running too. None of us believe that there might be someone else out there feeling the same way we are. Instead we try and get past it alone, but that can **** us if we let it. Sometimes it’s better to just walk back the way you came, and smile for a moment.

Everyone tells me
"It gets better"
"Its fine"
When things just keep getting worse
You wouldn't tell that "everything is fine" if you felt like me
Crying in your room till 4am every night
Cutting open your wrists and thighs
Just so you can feel alive
Asking yourself why you're still here
Feeling too depressed to go on
So no, don't tell me "it gets better"
When you don't even understand what I'm going through

You can never understand, how much courage it takes for one to end their life;
The thought of putting everything to an end and not wanting to exist anymore.
And yet, some people say it's selfish of them to do and act that way.

What's saddening is the fact that one could feel so much pain in themselves,
That they see death as the only way out;
The fact that one would rather die than to be who they are.

Some people are able to try, and perhaps, see some light in their life
But for someone who attempted suicide, seeing it as the only way out,
It's as though their world is completely dark and they've lost all hope to live anymore.

Attempting suicide is the act of wanting to die.
And dying is the cessation of existence, an end, the point of no return.

What makes you think you have the right to criticise their act, and
What makes you think you are so sure that there is another way out,
When you aren't even sure who you are and how do you feel?

I'm going to the hospital where there are no electronics allowed (rehab). I'm not sure when I'll be back, but I'll be writing a lot when I'm there. So I'll come back with tons of new things to post for you guys. Thank you for supporting me I love you all. I'm going to get better. Take care **

The story of a boy who was summer warm
and fell in love with a girl winter cold

during spring,
he met a girl named Amber
who was the complete opposite of him
the girl told him about her life
so full of sadness it makes him flinch
but he was still summer warm
and the girl was still winter cold

during summer,
he brought the girl to picnics in the park
where they'd fly kites together
he made secret wishes of them being together, forever
as they lay on the grass, gazing into the sky
but he was still summer warm
and the girl was still winter cold

during autumn,
he'd make brew tea for the girl in the mornings
and they'd sweep up the orange piles of leaves
he'd read books to her under the trees
and take pictures of her when she was not looking
but he was still summer warm
and the girl was still winter cold

during winter,
he'd give the girl kisses on her red cheeks
feeling the touch of her cold, frost skin
she told him she hates everything about her
he told her he likes everything about her
and promised the girl he will always be there for her
but he was still summer warm
and the girl was still winter cold

spring to summer, autumn to winter,
he never did anything for the girl anymore
because she was gone as quickly as the seasons change                                                                now the boy is no longer summer warm
and the girl was still winter cold

When I was admitted to the hospital 1 month ago in as inpatient, there was a 17 year old girl, lets call her sunshine, (I decided to call her this while telling this story so I would not give away her real name). I was always full of energy when all the patients did groups on self esteem and such, or played cards in the unit lounge. But inside I was dying, to get out of there, and dying to die. Sunshine was there for drug overdose, similar to me. Things she said always brightened my day, made me happy inside and out, she's a sweetheart. We had to do a "check-in" sheet every morning at 9am, after breakfast. It asked us various questions such as, "Rate your mood from 1-10", "Name three positive things that happened yesterday", "What's your goal for today and three ways you can achieve it?". Sunshine always had the same answer for the last question, "Just be". Her ways to achieve it were "Peace, love and good vibes". The staff never liked her answers. She did have her violent days, but she did have a positive impact on everyone around her. I love her so much, I don't know what I'd do if she wasn't at the hospital when I was. When you have nothing left, "Just be"

that feeling you get when you can't stand something
where you resent every moment of your existence
living misunderstood throughout life
that feeling of resentment towards one whose hurt you deeply
where it feels like your heart has been ripped out
replaced by a knife ever so slowly growing larger as time goes by
like a hand around my heart squeezing until every drop drains away
that feeling of looking in the mirror and hating what you see
the being stuck in your mind with no clear path out
the point where you punch holes in the wall
trying to mimic what its like inside your head
to the point of a pen on paper and text on this screen

"The eyes when kept open
leave the heart filled with love."**
By Lori Callahan

When we look the other way even with our personal issues it leaves us blinded to the solution
which is love. Self-image is so important on how other see us, our thoughts of worthlessness and death not only conquer us but becomes a sickness to those around us.
If you yawn around others they will yawn too. If you start to giggle, you will see it make others smile and if the giggling continues soon everyone in the room will start to giggle too. Which means we are attracted to the comforts in life like sleeping and laughing and bonding with those around us. My favorite thing in life is to make others happy and to feel LOVE. So I love you just know that.

the one feeling that is most foreign to my life
inadequate in every way I can see
using beanies to cover up my flaws the best i can
hiding behind my words like a mask
odds stacked against me in everything i do
and everyone that I have any feelings towards
speaking only when there is no other option
approach me at your own risk and I will hide inside my notebook
cover my face with my hair and fall into my own little world
I am not fit to live inside this one

that feeling that eats at the back of my mind
it scares me to death that in some way i might lose you
and everything that i have worked to build
any chance at me losing someone I love in my life haunts the back of my mind
even if for a split second, or even a single memory
this feeling trying to surround my happiness with you
constantly fighting back with all the light i have
the sheer possibility that i could fall back to where i used to be
the scars that have long since faded

loneliness is an island inside my soul
a vacation home readily available for my escape
somewhere I have built impenetrable walls
scared to go anywhere beyond them
its this feeling that has consumed the last few years of my life
some place that I want to break out of but don't know how
its that one teardrop that will always fall from my face
that one cut inside my heart that will be always be surrounding it
its like a noose I can't remove from my neck
like balancing on a chair with one leg
at any second I could fall to my eternal loneliness

"Can I just say something to you before I go to bed?"
"Sure I've got nothing that can hurt me any worse"* I said teary eyed yet still smiling
"You're my definition of perfect. In my eyes, that's what you are. I just need you to know that someone thinks this of you. That somebody thinks something of you besides the scars that you're covered in."
"Perfect? I wish. I wish, I – really wish (her name)" I whispered as I began to break into endless tears. 
I don't know what love is, I'm too young. But I'd have to say that was my ultimate love affair. 
"When you get out of here, just please, please don't hurt yourself, ok?"
"Same to you babe" I said half smiling, wiping my tears. 
"Okay"
"Okay"
silence and gazes of smiles throughout the night

30 Oct 2013
The Room
it is a quaint room
from where I lay at this moment
at the wrong end of the bed
the door is quiet
to the left of that door
there is a silver gap in that door
made as a handle
there is a crimson light switch
flicked downward
the wall where the door and the light switch rest,
is white
to the right of me, there is a baby blue wall
resting on the corner of this wall
and the one behind me
is a small wooden dresser
people have written terrible things
on this dresser, is the fault in our stars
behind me is a window sill, where I sit at night
and where I placed a rock that says "love"
above the window, are light green curtains
I tied them together, to let in light
and drown my demons
to my left there is a desk and chair
with terrible things written on them
I try not to read the bad things
on the desk is some paperwork
I procrastinated filling out
and my menu for tomorrow
the bathroom is small
the shower rooms are inhumane
I want out of here, but I'm trapped

Full places
2. Having to answer the phone
3. When the teacher says "find a partner"
5. The deep, nervous and bad feeling in my throat when I'm outside
6. Ordering at restaurants
7. Not being able to smile back at people so I look down and smile at the ground like an idiot
8. Am I breathing too loudly?
9. When I feel confident about going somewhere, but the closer I get, the more nervous+sick I feel
10. Trying to talk to someone in a group of people, but I don't because I'm afraid I will look ridiculous
12. When someone doesn't text back. So up convince myself that they don't like you
13. Not being able to eat in front of anyone
14. When I'm going to bed+all of a sudden my mind filled with thoughts of things that could go wrong the next day
15. Walking with my eyes fixed on the floor so you I avoid eye contact with other people
16. The never ending fear that the teacher will force me to speak or do something in front of the whole class
17. Not reading loud in class because everyone stares and hears how nervous am I
18. Hearing people laugh behind me so I'm assuming its at me
19. Waiting rooms
20. When the teacher calls on me go answer something during class
21. When I can't walk in the hallways at school because I feel like everyone is judging me
22. When the teacher says "if you don't start raising your hands, I'm going to have to call on random people
24. Having great conversations with someone over text,but being afraid to hang out with them because I think they won't like me in person
25. Attempting to say "hello" back when someone suddenly greets me and end up just looking to the person without the ability to talk
26. Constantly feeling like I'm going to throw up
27. Playing out conversations in my head before meeting people
28. Leaving the house
29. Eye contact
30. Walking on my own and feeling like everyone is watching me
31. Not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk to people
32. When the teacher is taking the register in alphabetical order and I know my name is coming up
33. Thinking everyone in the room is talking about me
34. Holding in coughs in class so I don't draw attention to myself
35. Checking my phone because I don't know what to do with my hands
36. Knowing the answer to the teachers question but being terrified to raise my hand and draw attention to myself
37. Constantly feeling like the pressure is on me to start conversations
38. Feeling like everything is my fault
39. Being scared of not being able to get out of a room full of people
40. Being scared of sitting next to a stranger
41. Being afraid of seeing someone I know
42. Getting anxiety during lunch, so I feel sick and I don't eat, which makes me more anxious cause people will judge me for not eating
43. Being scared to go anywhere in case I have a panic attack
44. Not eating in school
45. Entering class late
46. Avoiding crowded events
47. May having a panic attack in school

Officially diagonsed with social phobia/SAD