that feeling you get when you can't stand something
where you resent every moment of your existence
living misunderstood throughout life
that feeling of resentment towards one whose hurt you deeply
where it feels like your heart has been ripped out
replaced by a knife ever so slowly growing larger as time goes by
like a hand around my heart squeezing until every drop drains away
that feeling of looking in the mirror and hating what you see
the being stuck in your mind with no clear path out
the point where you punch holes in the wall
trying to mimic what its like inside your head
to the point of a pen on paper and text on this screen

At first I thought I was alone. I thought I was the only one who felt pain and struggle; who fought against myself when I was alone at night. But now I realize I’m not the only one. I've noticed that maybe the two of us aren't very different, and when I look into your eyes I can see what you go through. I can watch you run from all that hurt, same as me. We both run together: from change, from long, from shame, and imperfection. But I guess none of us stop to look around us at those that may be running too. None of us believe that there might be someone else out there feeling the same way we are. Instead we try and get past it alone, but that can **** us if we let it. Sometimes it’s better to just walk back the way you came, and smile for a moment.

30 Oct 2013
The Room
it is a quaint room
from where I lay at this moment
at the wrong end of the bed
the door is quiet
to the left of that door
there is a silver gap in that door
made as a handle
there is a crimson light switch
flicked downward
the wall where the door and the light switch rest,
is white
to the right of me, there is a baby blue wall
resting on the corner of this wall
and the one behind me
is a small wooden dresser
people have written terrible things
on this dresser, is the fault in our stars
behind me is a window sill, where I sit at night
and where I placed a rock that says "love"
above the window, are light green curtains
I tied them together, to let in light
and drown my demons
to my left there is a desk and chair
with terrible things written on them
I try not to read the bad things
on the desk is some paperwork
I procrastinated filling out
and my menu for tomorrow
the bathroom is small
the shower rooms are inhumane
I want out of here, but I'm trapped

You hate yourself? What do you mean?

I mean I hate every part of me. I hate the way my hair looks. I hate my thighs, I hate my stomach, I hate my face, I hate my mind, I hate every last bit of me. Its like being trapped with one person you hate with all your heart, the one you find just repulsive, absolutely disgusting and horribly ugly, forever. You know how sometimes you'll look in the mirror and even though you don't like yourself most days, you'll have a day where you can look in the mirror and say, "wow I look good" and be confident? I NEVER HAVE THOSE DAYS. EVER. When I look in the mirror I see the ugliest thing ever. I see my worst enemy. I see my every flaw, because flaws are all I'm made up of.

"Can I just say something to you before I go to bed?"
"Sure I've got nothing that can hurt me any worse"* I said teary eyed yet still smiling
"You're my definition of perfect. In my eyes, that's what you are. I just need you to know that someone thinks this of you. That somebody thinks something of you besides the scars that you're covered in."
"Perfect? I wish. I wish, I – really wish (her name)" I whispered as I began to break into endless tears. 
I don't know what love is, I'm too young. But I'd have to say that was my ultimate love affair. 
"When you get out of here, just please, please don't hurt yourself, ok?"
"Same to you babe" I said half smiling, wiping my tears. 
"Okay"
"Okay"
silence and gazes of smiles throughout the night

The story of a boy who was summer warm
and fell in love with a girl winter cold

during spring,
he met a girl named Amber
who was the complete opposite of him
the girl told him about her life
so full of sadness it makes him flinch
but he was still summer warm
and the girl was still winter cold

during summer,
he brought the girl to picnics in the park
where they'd fly kites together
he made secret wishes of them being together, forever
as they lay on the grass, gazing into the sky
but he was still summer warm
and the girl was still winter cold

during autumn,
he'd make brew tea for the girl in the mornings
and they'd sweep up the orange piles of leaves
he'd read books to her under the trees
and take pictures of her when she was not looking
but he was still summer warm
and the girl was still winter cold

during winter,
he'd give the girl kisses on her red cheeks
feeling the touch of her cold, frost skin
she told him she hates everything about her
he told her he likes everything about her
and promised the girl he will always be there for her
but he was still summer warm
and the girl was still winter cold

spring to summer, autumn to winter,
he never did anything for the girl anymore
because she was gone as quickly as the seasons change                                                                now the boy is no longer summer warm
and the girl was still winter cold

I'm going to the hospital where there are no electronics allowed (rehab). I'm not sure when I'll be back, but I'll be writing a lot when I'm there. So I'll come back with tons of new things to post for you guys. Thank you for supporting me I love you all. I'm going to get better. Take care **