Your voice is embedded in brain 
Like lyrics to a song 
And every time you look at me 
My body fills with electricity 
Like a thousand watts 
live in your eyes 
I coyly smile 
It's my disguise 
Cause I'm not a flawless magazine model
Or pretty picture in a frame 
I'm just a girl 
Average and normal 
With so so much to gain 
So maybe it's my odessey, my journey, or my trek 
To make my way towards you 
Without the past breathing down my neck 
In the end, either way 
You light me up like a star 
My own personal outlet 
Whether I'm near or far

A Poem For Each Of The Boys I’ve Ever Loved

Ⅰ.
sometimes your scent travels in the wind,
suffocating me like a nasty perfume,
leaving me to wonder if i’ll ever forget your smell.

Ⅱ.
you wore the sweatshirt you let me borrow a few days ago
i mean, i don’t even think you remember i had it at all.
it was just another sweatshirt in your drawer.

Ⅲ.
your handwritten notes sit in neat pile next to my bed.
it has occurred to me that maybe thats the cause of my nightmares.
but really i think you’re the reason for everything and anything.

Ⅳ.
you have the prettiest eyes in the whole entire world.
im satisfied knowing i was once the reason they lit up so bright.
I’ll never let someone take the sparkle in my eyes away again.

Ⅴ.
we used to listen to music together and we’d laugh a lot.
you’d snicker at they way i lip sang to myself.
and id laugh because you really didn’t care i was a ******.

ⅤⅠ.

most of my days are spent wishing you were still here
you never really know how much you love someone
until they don’t love you anymore and thats a sick thought.


(ps, each of these poems are about you and only you and always you. i miss you. love always, the pathetic girl with a big heart and green eyes.)

I can't remember a time
That I didn't hear it or feel it calling out to me
Pulling me toward it.
Whatever it is it feels so natural
Like breathing.
I feel it in the autumn air
A sunset
A rip roaring fire across the sky
On a fall night
Where I stand
arms out
Hands Open
Head back
Barefoot in the sand
An ocean of time spread out in front of me
On the ***** of my feet
Savoring the feel of the wind in my hair
Laughing as I run down the beach
And I feel it
When the sky turns cobalt
And the stars show their face
Shining like jewels in the black abyss
And I feel it when Its raining
And I run outside
The thunder cracks across the sky
I feel it as the freezing water
empties across my body
In my eyelashes
Under my nails
Behind my knees
Down my hair and across my spine
The lightning flashes
For a moment
Time
Stops
And people don't see the broken girl I am
They don't see my empty heart
Or my empty hands
Or the nothingness I can offer to the world
What they do see Is a girl
with crazy hair like a halo of curls around my face
They see wild eyes and stretched out arms
An open mouth filling up with rainwater
Bare feet and pale skin
And they see the thing practically alive inside of me.
Its freedom
And its everything I long for as I become locked back up inside myself again.

In the dream I'm running
The beach is fogged
and every breath
Feels like I'm inhaling water,
I'm suffocating.
And I'm trying to save you.
I see your head just barley
bobbing up and down in the water
And I try to jump into the waves that have been home to me for as long as I can remember
But I'm glued to the spot.
Your head doesn't come up
And I collapse to my knees, sobbing
Because I know, that I know, that I know
I'm too late.
I wake up sweating, screaming
3:24
I roll over on instinct and open my voicemails,
It's a muscle memory now,
I've kept those voicemails since you died.
And I listen to your words
And I wonder why you did what you did
And I can almost always tell what your feeling
Your voice tells it all
The memories are there
And I cry for a little girl who thought
every family was like this
I dont know if I can forgive you
For leaving me mom-less by choice.
So as your talking lulls me to sleep
I dream again

I lay on my bed and look up at the ceiling fan spin in circles
Around and around and around and around
And somewhere it could be raining
Maybe a block away
Or maybe a mile away
There are girls who splash in the puddles and track mud through their houses and get the couch wet and take hot showers and watch the rain drops racing down the window
I want to be the girl to dance in the rain
But instead I'm the girl who lays on her bed watching the ceiling fan

The art of hating yourself
Is not easily achieved.
It takes motavation,
Words whispered across lunch rooms,
"Ugly, fat, stupid, freak"
It takes observation,
Hours staring at the pretty faces in the magazine,
Hours of trying hard to be something else
Hours feeling more lost then when you started.
It takes practice,
Feeling insecure as you walk down the hallway
Refusing food during the day,
doing crunches by night.
And of course it takes a certain type of person
For it to really take over the mind
A perfectionist
A person with a bad past or a uncertain future
A girl who blames herself
A girl who knows its her fault
If you are truly serious
about embarking on this journey,
This journey of unsatisfaction and secrecy,
Pushing people away and always, always
Craving,
Striving,
Searching,
Starving,
Needing,
That promise of perfection,
Take a class from the master
Or two
Or three
She's right here in town
The most dedicated and driven
The best of the best
She has cultivated
The Art of Hating herself
And she's the person I see in the mirror
Staring right back at me