We love in reverse.
The way that doesn’t make sense.
Because the extensions of my body don’t reach toward you, but away. The lines bend back and not forward, twisting me into positions that I’m not supposed to be.
And when I walk the floor pushes me away heel, ball, toe
Instead of welcoming me comfortably toe, ball, heel.
And I know this isn’t the way this is supposed to feel.
But I still need you to correct me.
Place your hand underneath my chin and tell me the floor is not my audience. Close the curtains on the mirror and make me trust. This dance is just between the two of us.
Then focus in on my shoulders, push them down and make my collarbones appear stronger. Stroke my sternocleidomastoid as I épaulment and tell me that it’s the most beautiful muscle to see. Run your hands down my arms and create the energy that is supposed to flow from my fingers as they reach for arabesque.
Move next to my torso. Hold my abs together to keep my spine aligned.
Then move your hands in a soft semi-circle from the inside of my thighs and turn them out. Hold my knees over top my toes in the perfect plié.
And then straighten them to the most lengthened position they could be, leaving them with nowhere else to go but up.
Help my feet and heart to soar as they push off the floor and then you’ve set me free.
Lean your back against the barre and watch me dance your taunting choreography perfectly.
You have made me love what I do because every time I dance I do it for you. When I close my eyes I imagine you behind me guiding my soul and showing my body where it ought to be.
You hold me tight as I lay my head back against your invisible chest and I inhale, take one deep breath before you send me spinning back into the room.
I can feel you with me, but you’re never really there. So I push away the air with my hands knowing that with one more arabesque you won’t be able to resist this chance. Because my smile is always aimed in your direction when I practice your steps, your breath, your moves.
Only for you will I seek this perfection.
And the dance goes on and on; never ending. And I’ll keep feelings things that I know not to feel, keep walking toward you all heels
No toes
Because without you this is a dance I don’t know. The extensions are fake and the lines not real.
But that is love in reverse. The combination always looks ten times worse. So I’m hoping that you’ll step out of the shadows and take me back
To the dance we rehearsed.
Date Written: 3/1/2012