It's so weird whenever I'm angry or depressed my mind floods back with memories of you

These memories only make me more sad and angry
I miss you and want to say hi almost everyday I have a debate in my head if I should message you and say hi
But I think it will be awkward but worst of all I'm scared that you won't say hi back
I'm scared of you rejecting me again because I'm still recovering from the last time you hurt me

Those memories of the time you broke me still feel so fresh
I wish I could cry and talk to someone but I'm supposed to be a tough guy that's what society says
Grow up don't cry so I hide my emotions in my poetry

I'm still in love with you and if you were to say I might melt away and be yours all over again
But you will never say hi
You are just a memory that will some day fade when I met another girl as amazing as you but until then I'm stuck wishing you would say one simple hello

As I feel your touch against my skin it reminds me of a warm summer day
Your kisses cover my face and wipe away my tears
This moment will only last a while before I'm alone again...
But I intend to make it last
So we stay in bed all day saying we will never get up but eventually we do
And sometimes you return but wen you don't it gets lonely for a while until a new girl takes your place
At first cuddling is uncomfortable and awkward...you keep asking if this is comfortable and I lie and say yes because it takes a while but soon when you get in bed you slide right in and it's perfect the bed is no longer mine or hers it's us...until you leave again and the whole process starts all over again

I'm stuck in a routine of being happy and then dramatically depressed life is just one big lie and happiness is an allusion

But finally I find that one...the first time we cuddle it's perfect not awkward at all...it feels like you were meant to lay against me and for those years I'm truly happy
Aging fast but forever loving you

And then that day you lay me down in that coffin I am in my final bed alone forever nobody's touching me I lay in box underground my final resting place is empty just like my bed used to be before I met you

She said deeper so I rolled over and started reading poetry

She sits in the corner admiring her own artwork
Slowly sipping on her tea while a cigarette lingers between her fingers unlit

She sits alone because she scared to share her self with anyone because she afriad that they will judge her for her mistakes and scars

She smokes because she wants to be skinny...it's working but she's killing her self in the process

And when you see this girl in the hallway you advert your eyes because the littlest contact could infect you with her imperfections and you hold your breath because she wears to much of her moms Perfume because it's the only thing she has left of her

She goes through school with make up smeared and smudged around her eyes
She looks like a zombie
teachers and kids don't interact with because she's different because they all feel bad that they used to bully her in middle school so no one even smiles at her

So when she goes home she decides today is the day I'm finally going to be free...she slowly gets in that tub and grabs that razor from the hiding place behind the soap and begins to cut

Crying with every cut but not tears of pain or death but tears of happiness because her alcoholic dad will finally notice her and kids at school will finally talk about her

When her dad finally stumbles in to take a drunk night **** he's sees her smiling for the first time in a while and then he notices the pool of blood

And he finally realizes all the signs of her depression...the kids at school next day chatter throughs text and Facebook but soon there just memories and distant rumors of why she did it  ranging from that she was crazy and evil to dumb and pregnant

But the truth is all she needed was a smile a simple hi how are you today...and she would have made it...she would still be here...she wouldn't be a sad distant memory but a happy alive little girl like she used to be before her dad began drinking because of her mothers death

Perfection is happiness

Sitting in class it's so silent
We are supposed to be writing poems
But what is a poem...

Does it have rules
Do I have to rhyme
And have rhythm

Or can I just write about whatever the **** I feel like
Can I just share these feelings that are weighing me down
They feel like stones on my chest
Slowly crunching me to my death

I cry myself to sleep every night because I don't know who to tell...
I want to tell someone, anyone who would listen
But I stop because the words taste so sour on my lips
So I run away and hide

I run to my room and hide those feelings in that drawer
That drawer that is crammed full of feelings and sad thoughts
Because we are supposed to be happy...

So I try to live like society always being happy never telling or showing anyone who I really am
Because who would like me If I told them that I am depressed and broken and have  scars so deep that I will never heal
Would would love me if I told you that...
Would you?

Well I don't think you would because I don't even love myself
I can't remember the last time I looked in the mirror and smiled at my reflection...

That fat all over my body
Those pimples
Why can't they all be gone
I want to be perfect
Because u can only be happy when you're perfect right?
That's what we are taught as little kids

It's so sad and sicken I just to open that draw and throw those feeling up in the air cause I don't give a **** anymore
I want to run up and show everyone my scars
To yell at them and cry because I'm tired of hiding
I want to be free of this weight

But instead of sharing it with anyone I'm just sitting here writing  a poem that will end up in the drawer
And if the teacher calls on me I will just not answer because I'm scared to share this with u...

Middle school

Everyday I hated life
Just get me through today
Maybe no one will notice me
Maybe no one will notice that before school I cried

I cried because of them
They locked me in closets
Called me gay
Made jokes at my dispense

They say that they were joking
No harm done
But little did they know that I cried myself to sleep every night
Because I was so scared that it could be true

So I showed them I dated every girl I could got to double digits before I knew it but still they called me gay

Soon girls were just a number
Just a object that I could build myself higher on

I tell my parents all of this and there response is that these kids are just jealous of you Kevin

I wish that was true
But what is there to be jealous about

Girls turned to objects in a second
They were there to build me higher right? To somehow give me the respect I wanted
I used them for my own gain
But what did it gain me
Bur more name calling

Manwhore
****
Told I couldn't keep a girlfriend
More jokes at my dispense
And somehow I was still called gay
I still cried those names Hurt too

These girls are getting me no where
But I keep going farther with them
Started bragging about how cool I was

But in a moment I could be brought down by 3 words
You are gay

Those words pump through my heart so fast
My anger rages
Till a kid said it one day and I broke
I punched him in the face
The power I felt
I threw another one

Sitting at my desk feeling that glory but for what?
I get a call to the office
I get blamed for bulling the kid
I try to say no
But the words won't come out

I turn back to girls to hide my pain
To hide my sorrow
Maybe someday girls won't just be a number...