I feel constantly torn between laying in a grassy field,
surrounded by the morning dew,
in my best sundress,
and holding my breath until I pass out six feet under water.

I feel constantly torn between kissing his lips,
fingers entwined with the perfect fit,
bodies pressed together,
and unfastening my seatbelt as I drive into a tree.

I feel constantly torn between all of the beauty I want to indulge in,
and all the hatred I have for being alive.

The warm glow of the sun on my pale skin
Brings back the summer days
With bare feet in the sand,
Submerged under the surface of toppling waves,
Holding my breath,
And only in the last second
Finding the will to live in the will to breathe.

And I’ve found myself sleeping more and more
because being buried under layers of blankets
is still better than being buried under layers of obsessions.
And laying my head gently on a pillow
still makes me feel like there’s something about it
(despite its constant destruction)
that makes it worth protecting.

And I can’t say I’m in love
When I don’t know the feeling.
But sometimes all it takes is a look,
Or a tiny smile
To send the butterflies into a flutter
And send my heart into cardiac arrest.
In this moment,
I realize I want nothing to do with you.

I seem to have this problem
With letting my eyes wander to meet yours,
And suddenly the planets align,
And the stars cannot match in brilliance,
And I realize I feel more at home in your gaze
Than I do anywhere in the universe.

Sometimes I’ll just look at you and know
I’m exactly where I need to be at the present moment,
And the small smile playing at the corner of your lips
Tells me I’m exactly where I want to be.
It just hurts to realize blinking makes you vanish.
Your impermanence terrifies me.