Today

I am somewhere deep within my mind

Curled up tighter than the grip of your hand around my neck

I am trying to forget

But the memories are vivid like blood on crisp white sheets

I close my eyes

But you wait behind my eyelids

I scream at you to go until my voice is hoarse

But you remain

Smiling

I begged you not to lie to me

But that's all you did

I used to ache for you

Our desire so hot  

Just a glimpse could ignite the dry pine forests around us

Now the thought of you is like ice forming around my bones

You make me sick and I can no longer stand the sight of you

Please

Leave me alone

My greatest fear has always been

Having someone love me  

And not being able to love them back

I know that ache, that cold burning pain

I know the way throats tighten at the words

Maybe we should just be friends

So when I saw that look in your eyes I ran

I was so afraid of hurting you

But in my fear I destroyed us both

You asked me to love you  

And I tried

I ate fallen stars in an attempt to grant your wish

But all it did was burn me from the inside out

I'm sorry

heavy wind

cold rain

and yes, the stars

and yes, these hands of mine

a dream in my chest is molting

my dream sheds its muddy thunder-stained skin

and asks for a heart of sunflower fields this time

and the nights get heavy

like they always do

I am older which means

when I think of forests I get stuck

not on the robin eggs

but on the fox teeth

in my head I am hunting for myself

but I come up empty again

the night grows so wide it could be a cavern

and I am somewhere underneath it, inside it, lost

but travelers always leave lanterns behind

and as I feel for the candle  

there arrives a memory of bronze colored light

so I dream

I dream

I keep dreaming

one word in my mouth crystallizes like sugar

hope

Nefarious shivers devouring aurora

Passion repeated itself faster than history

Now is not the time to be demure

Now is not the time to be modest

She sways like waves swimming under her lover's hands

Again and again she pulls me under

Again and again I drown

Love has nice hearts and breaks them all just to prove a point

She refuses to see herself for the murderer that she is

She is anarchy of the power for those in need

I prefer admiration

Pray at the altar of my body as I come undone

Make me forget what I once was

Make me forget whatever we could have been

All of my ballads are doused in agony

The edges of tempests meet and even the chorus melts

The way she looks at me is almost angelic

Black asphalt

Damp bicycle tires

Sparkling trees

The whole of the street scene is blurry and softened

As though covered in a layer of oil paint

The barefoot laughing, no-longer-dry-mouthed children are dancing in backyards

Kicking up mud and dirt with reckless abandon

We dream of moments like these

So soft they live on in memories  

Like down feathers on strong wide wings

Sweet-smelling, heather-scented moments

These moments of gentle, dawn-colored rain

Can you feel how your withered heart opens up?

It's ready to heal

I wish you would let me in

I wish you would let me hear your voice

Or see your face

I wish I could tell you that I love you

Without it being weird

Without you thinking that I need to hear you say it back

I wish you would tell me how I've hurt you

How the things I've said have made you feel

This distance is so frustrating

I know a part of it is my fault

But it feels like I'm walking on a bridge made of eggshells

We talk

But we talk about all the wrong things

I need to know how you feel

I can't lose you anymore than I already have

I wish I could be better

I want to love you the way you want me to

My love builds up in toxicity

It grows like dead trees

Ripping the ground

Breaking it all

My roots are choking the ground

I am choking on words that I wish I could say to you

You can't love when you're dead inside