I wish you would let me in

I wish you would let me hear your voice

Or see your face

I wish I could tell you that I love you

Without it being weird

Without you thinking that I need to hear you say it back

I wish you would tell me how I've hurt you

How the things I've said have made you feel

This distance is so frustrating

I know a part of it is my fault

But it feels like I'm walking on a bridge made of eggshells

We talk

But we talk about all the wrong things

I need to know how you feel

I can't lose you anymore than I already have

I wish I could be better

I want to love you the way you want me to

My love builds up in toxicity

It grows like dead trees

Ripping the ground

Breaking it all

My roots are choking the ground

I am choking on words that I wish I could say to you

You can't love when you're dead inside

i think i’m getting better  

slowly but surely  

i’m learning to not need people  

in the way that’s left me hurt so many times  

i’m learning to acknowledge that i’m important  

even if i’m not being treated like the most special person in the world  

anyone out there who’s reading this:  

if you feel like you aren’t important,  

like nobody cares, like you don’t matter  

i promise  

you matter so so much  

to me, to those you talk to,

to the world, who would mourn the loss of a child if you decided to leave  

i promise, there is love in this world  

it just doesn’t always feel like it  

but there is and it’ll show itself to you soon  

i promise

I hope I get butterflies

When I'm 30 and I hear your key in the door

I hope we both rush home from work every day

Because we are so excited to see each other

I hope the magic never fades

I know that it won't

I want you to know that when you speak

I see flowers sprouting out of your mouth

And your hands leave beautiful works of art on my skin

I want you to know that the stars are nothing in comparison to you

I hope you can see that

You bring sunshine to all of my dark places

And you are truly the light of my life

i wish i had the money to head off,

drive through my favorite mountains until i hit the city

i want to sit by the sea and watch the water

and listen to the gentle movements

and finally feel at home

because i know where home is

and it’s not here anymore

i wish i had the money to steal us away onto a plane

and fly a million miles away

i wish we could watch the landscape change underneath us,

mountains and rivers and valleys and infinite rolling hills

and tiny little houses that look up at us and think

“i wonder where they’re going,”

and we look down at them and think

“i wonder where they’ve been,”

and we watch and it changes every second

but the nonstop is comforting.  

i wish we could go away, just us, into the big city,

where the shining buildings soar around us

and we walk under the railings and keep our heads up

and never stop looking

and we always listen,

to the city, to each other,

to the music all around and inside us,

and when we stand in the hotel room i feel okay,

and when i stand in the bathroom

and stare myself in the face in the big mirror i think

“that’s me”

and not only do i feel at peace

but i feel on top of the world

The pain says

"I have come for you,"

And you say

"You are too blinding, I don't want to look."

Your chest is a wall of fire

The pain says

"I own buckets and I own torches."

You pick torches

Your soul is a wall of thorns

The pain says  

"What can I do for you? "

You say

"Nothing, this is a dream from which I know I will wake."

Your heart is a wall of storm clouds

The pain says

"I will lend you my shoulders and my hands."

You say

"I don't have the strength in me to touch anyone yet."

Life shivers, melts, moves on

The pain says

"I have come for you."

And you look upon it and say

"Yes, I've kept you waiting too long,"

"Let's embrace as equals."

Let me tell you a story of remembrance

It's made of green glass shards, crushed Budweiser cans

Men's thick bones scraped clean

Life is nothing like the sea, she is her own god

I should know, I'm one of her angels

Let me sing you a lullaby about salt

How a man once left my body to the waves

How I learned to swim instead of drown

It's not a sad song

It's a good lullaby, a lullaby born of survival

If you follow me I'll sing you the rest

Let me tell you what I am:

Scales and gills

And smiles made of sharp teeth