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I'm tired.
I'm tired of sitting here.
I'm tired of living here.
Each day I get insulted.
Each day I fall deeper.

Deeper down into the grasps of depression.
Deeper into sorrow and unhappiness.
Deeper into unreality and the unknown.
Deeper into something I don't understand.
Deeper into something I don't deserve.

I see light every so often.
A spark
A flame
But it doesn't last long
Before it fades away

I try my best
to not fall too far in
but when I don't understand
it's almost too hard
to not

I'm bored with my life
of unlife
I do nothing worthwhile
I want to live
I want to help

Help others like me
Help others who can't simply
Help themselves
Help myself through helping them
Help anyone who needs help

But this is just another plea
to get help of my own
Help for me
Help for you
Help. Please.
You look
At me

But you don't
see me.

You look past me
not at me.

You talk
At me

So you don't
hear me.

I say something
you don't try.

These words
that I type.

Are all I
have left.

The words that I say
never are worth it.

I wonder then
am I here?

If no one hears me
or sees me.

Do I even
exist?

Or is this some
cheap trick.

To get me to break
to get me to fail.

The world knows
that I'm not that far off.

The end is not near
I have much time left.

This is unfortunate
just because.

Because I don't have
much left to say.

Say what I don't know
or probably ever will.

But I bid you ado
because closing for today.

Draws near.
My words
Are my everything
They make me
Nay they are me

You ignore what I say
You ignore who I am
What makes me
What I am

You simply
Read these words
Not feeling a thing
You ignore what I mean

How dare you
Take away
What I am
Who I am

By not listening
You stop knowing me
For at least the brief time
You don not know who I am

If you do not listen once
You probably don’t
Ever
Which is a shame

Because I try
To get you
To hear me
And know me

Through the words I say
I form who I am
What I am
Myself

Because
My words are my everything
My only thing
Me.
Snip.
  Slice.
    Hack.
      Slash.
        Stab.

Words
that describe something
I used to do

Cutting.
What people call it
What people demonize

Cutter.
What people called me
Who people pitied

Cuts.
What I can still see
What still bothers me

Cut.
What the act of it is
What I want to do

Cut.
Something I didn't do
for attention

Cuts.
Things I made
out of sheer anguish

Cutter.
Something I became
to channel my agony

Cutting.
Something I still fight
because I want to.

No
You probably don't understand.
Yes
You are probably judging me
No
It doesn't matter, but
Yes
It does affect me

Channeling pain
from my heart
to my
leg
arm
wrist
ankle
Numbs what I feel
Takes away that pain
for a little bit

I am ashamed
but I'm trying to
move on

But every time
something happens
I get stressed out
I feel hurt
         I just want to
         reach for that knife

        Stab.
      Slash.
    Hack.
  Slice.
Snip.

Scar.­
Something that can't
be taken away

Scars.
Things that mar my body
that can be seen

Scarring.
This is what happened
after all the cuts

Scars.
Things I am ashamed of
that can't be hidden

Scar.
Something that sticks around
longer than all the hurt

Cut.
Scar.
Pain.
They work together
but not independently.

Not all cuts, scar
not all cuts, cause pain

But most of my pain
caused cuts

Most of my cuts
caused scars

And most of my scars
cause shame.
There is a sense of profound grief and joy
blended in the much awaited rain drops,
the moment they escape from the cloud-hills.
As if they have waited for years of freedom
and those years have been slow and fast,
eluding glory from the tiny soldiers marching
towards death in the pit of the thirsty hell.

In the kingdom of Cloud-hills they were gods
of divine evolution waiting for a supreme order,
to re-unite with the earth’s crust into matter-
tiny beads of light, happiness, love.

So they kiss the grass, fix the butterflies,
Wets the soil to become fertile like the mother’s womb-
And then die gradually for another birth.
Slow sparks
Vegetable love
you are planted and, nature
mirroring nature,
grow
This snail love,
rippling, wavering, creasing itself to move forward
We knit ourselves,
pulling strand through
strand through
strand to tie ourselves in knots,
weaving ourselves into the fabric of this-
our foxhole, our fort, our rampart
That implacable Indian,
the stacks of shoes,
and the gritty plates:
the objects that know our rhythms
My secret bear/troll,
wild and woolly
growling our hidden jokes and unseen whispers
unscripted for once
unprepared
Like two sailors
we frantically navigate these waters,
desperate to drown ourselves:
shipwrecked,
submerged,
surfaced, and
returned.
Outside our cave we smile in code.
You and I and the Indian
keep our own counsels.
Solitude widens like a drowning man's eyes
and the lighthouse hovering above the sea cliff
casts nests of imperfect memory
like delirious spiders.
Sing me a thrush, bone.
Sing me a nest of cup and pestle.
Sing me a sweetbread fr an old grandfather.
Sing me a foot and a doorknob, for you are my love.
Oh sing, bone bag man, sing.
Your head is what I remember that Augusty
you were in love with another woman but
taht didn't matter. I was the gury of your
bones, your fingers long and nubby, your
forehead a beacon, bare as marble and I worried
you like an odor because you had not quite forgotten,
bone bag man, garlic in the North End,
the book you dedicated, naked as a fish,
naked as someone drowning into his own mouth.
I wonder, Mr. Bone man, what you're thinking
of your fury now, gone sour as a sinking whale,
crawling up the alphabet on her own bones.
Am I in your ear still singing songs in the rain,
me of the death rattle, me of the magnolias,
me of the sawdust tavern at the city's edge.
Women have lovely bones, arms, neck, thigh
and I admire them also, but your bones
supersede loveliness. They are the tough
ones that get broken and reset. I just can't
answer for you, only for your bones,
round rulers, round nudgers, round poles,
numb nubkins, the sword of sugar.
I feel the skull, Mr. Skeleton, living its
own life in its own skin.
I only ever wanted someone to draw blood
when they kissed me on the mouth,
to leave fingerprints on my skin like tattoos,
the bruises forming a map to the place
where they had pried my body open
and pulled all of its secrets out.
I let you sink your teeth into my heart,
press your tongue against it,
and when I put my lips to yours,
I could taste it, the ghost of the ocean
that hid inside my veins, and yours.
You wanted to drown yourself inside me,
so I wrapped my legs around you
and let you slip beneath the waves.
On the day
I was baptized,
I sat in the back pew
of my church,
weeping.

It took a long time
for me to arrive
on the bank
of the
River Jordan
that Day of
All Saints.

Flanked by my
two young sons
also getting
dipped
that day,
moved
me to
solemn
tears;
humbled
that I
would wade
into the living
waters
with my sons
as brothers
in the
Living
Christ.

My fount
of tears
rolled
cause
I finally
arrived
as one of
Gods
own.

Today
I saw
Maya Angelou
weep.

She received
The Presidential
Medal of Freedom.

She sat while the
President placed
it around her neck.

She did not rise to
receive it.

I think she was
sitting in a wheelchair.

She looked tired
but she was not feeble.

She was humble
yet remained unbowed.

Her eyes were closed
as they read a citation
about her; yet I know
her vision remains
keen.

She did not look up.

She quietly wept.

The President kissed
her cheek after
he clasped the award
around her neck.

Maya Angelou
never
looked up.

She just
wept.

Maya,
fellow award
recipient
John Lewis
and
their
son
Barack
Obama
have
arrived;
sitting at
America's
table
of freedom,
as
Maya Angelou
gently
weeps.


2/15/11
Oakland
jbm
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