I hand myself over
Is this the cost
Of what it is to follow You?
Blows and whips and thorns
Nails and crosses
How can this be love?
I felt Your cry
As You prayed in agony
And I felt the touch
Of the sweat upon Your brow
It drove me to my knees
And I could barely breathe
Such a light touch
A small encounter with Your pain
And I'm left broken
I couldn't meet Your eyes
So You came to me
Did the angels who bore You up
Also minister to me?
Jesus, are You here?
They're arresting me tonight
My God, didn't You feel alone?
I feel like nothing
After all we have been through
I can't find my friends
They are lost in this crowd
Stand up for me
Defend me, O Holy Spirit
Be my Advocate
I touched the blood of Jesus
And although I bear guilt
Where He did not
I also bear the mark
Of His sweat and blood
I was there
In that garden with Him
I was there
Lord, don't let my soul perish
Condemned by my own guilt
I fear this road
But here we go
I carry Your blood upon my soul
May it become my salvation

Jesus
I don't even know what to say to You
I'm standing here
With empty hands
And broken eyes
Accusing You
Of teasing me
Of broken promises
Scorpions instead of bread
My soul feels brutalized
Bereft
In the wake of such violence
I'm reaching out
And grasping empty air
My hands are empty
As though the promise of eternity
Has passed through my fingers
I tried to hold the light
As though I could keep it in my hands
Only to find
It just fades away
I'm searching for You here
In these empty places
Only to find
I'm becoming more lost
And more is being taken away
I have stood here before
With empty hands
And broken eyes
Searching for a Savior
Who never seems to come
I gave my whole life to You, Lord
Built my world around Your promise
Counting on a Sun
That never seems to rise
My God, I feel so bitter
Empty and alone
Ripped apart
Abandoned
How can You possibly ask me to trust
When You only seem to hurt me?
I don't want to believe anymore
I just hide here in my room
Blocking out sounds
Of lives still in the sun
No one is coming
Not for me
Not for me
Don't You see me crying?
With these empty hands
And broken eyes
I just cry
I'm not strong enough
To be what You want, Lord
I'm just not enough
Is that why You left me alone?

Maybe there is sunlight beyond that horizon
Perhaps I need only to look
Just a little farther
A few more steps

Too long have the night winds consumed me
Too long has darkness been my guide
When starlight fades
The dawn must come

Unless the sun becomes eclipsed
Light must shine someday
I can't see it
Not just yet

All things must pass in turn
Even this eternal night
I wait for daylight
I wait for dawn

I stand face to face with Death
And my heart is beating wildly
So alive
He opens his hands slowly
Gently and methodically
The hands of Death invite me in
There is a kindness in his eyes
And a truth I cannot evade forever
Right now
Death can be chosen or denied
He stands there
Patiently waiting for me to accept his invitation
Or I can turn my head away again
And go on
Running as hard as I can
From the figure standing just in the corner of my eye
Never absent
Never truly invisible
Right now
I can live as though I'll never die
And fight for survival
At all costs
Right now
The life I choose
Can be devoid of Death
Who I have cast
As the greatest enemy of my soul
Waiting to tear me to shreds
And devour me forever
All these years I have been running
Professing belief in a God who conquered Death
But unable to trust that victory
To believe in resurrection
In time
I have come to stop running
And at last I stand
Face to face with Death
He has always been there
Waiting for me
Not physical death to my body
That will come later, someday
But instead
Dying to myself
Dying to my fear
Dying to so many sorrows in my soul
This death is more frightening
Than any physical death
I am faced with the choice
To die to my own will
And to believe
That I will be raised
By the power of God
Into newness of life
I feel all the fear in my tortured soul
Looking into the eyes of Death
And I tremble
I fear
So afraid
So weak
So pained
But I've run out of places to run
To Whom shall I go?
Jesus followed this path
Walked into the arms of Death
And He forged a way out again
Words of eternal life
Yet for now
I just stand
Face to face with Death
And my heart is beating wildly
So alive

Don't you dare
Use religion as a banner
You hide your evil deeds behind
Have you actually fallen so far
You believe these lies are truth?
You put on such a big smile for the world
You laugh and cry at all the right times
Articulate and graceful
Dripping piety from your fingertips
How could anyone
Say you're wrong?
You say you're only doing God's work
Concerned for souls
Following a voice divine
You're so comfortable
In this tiny world you've built around you
Where everything has its place
And reality holds no sway
It may not be your fault
You've had help
Building those walls around yourself
So many voices
Teaching you about this false reality
They have put you up so high
On this pedestal of decay
You think yourself so far above
The poor little creatures below you
How your heart breaks
With false compassion
You pick and choose
The ones you shower your acid love upon
And you disdain the ones
Who don't belong in your little world
You hiss with venom
And you say it is the will of God
That they should be blotted out
Cast away into darkness
They have no place
In your little box of false holiness
But those walls are cracking
The Truth cannot be destroyed
You will fight to the death
Desperately trying
To hold that world together
Burning everyone around you as you fall
On that day
You will have a real choice to make
To meet God in the broken ashes of your reality
And let Him lead you to the light
Or to rebuild in the darkness
I pray for those in your wake
And I pray you will have the Grace
To let the poisoned world around you fall
So you can stand on solid ground
And that those who still love you
Will not be lost
Oh, false prophet
Such damage you cause
To hearts around you
In the name of God
You bring such suffering
I burn with anger for you
But I pray with fervor
To a God who sees
Every action you take
Casting down His children
Into darkness in His name
I pray for them
And I pray for you
God have mercy

A little girl
Before her bright blue eyes
Faded out to gray
She watched the other children play
While she hid

Under the ***** of the slide
Beneath the steps
She watched the others
Climb and fall
Staring up at them
Through creaking wooden cracks
Gaps in the planks
A pain tugged at her heart
Telling her she should cry
Because people cry when they hurt
Don't they?
She rubbed at her collarbone
Feeling a gentle swelling
Bruises beneath her t-shirt
A dull ache
Memories of anger
Wild bolts of fear
Confusion
What did she learn that night?
A drunken rage
He tore up her artwork
It had won her a prize
She watched it flutter to the floor
Shredded
He snarled
Words of threat and hate
And finally let her go
Stunned
She barely felt the pain from the blows
Adrenaline heightens everything
She picked up the pieces
And threw them away

A little girl
Before her bright blue eyes
Faded out to gray
She watched her best work
Fall into the trash

Recess
She didn't want to play
But she didn't want to sit alone
Hiding under the slide
Her teacher asked her
If she was alright
No
She told the truth
My daddy got angry last night
About the artwork
He always gets angry
Her teacher patted her arm
And smiled
And told her she really should play
With the other children

A little girl
Before her bright blue eyes
Faded out to gray
Watched as her teacher walked away
And still she couldn't cry

I didn't know
That there was life outside those cramped walls
Of the hell I called my home
I stand here now
Where open sky surrounds me
And this freedom
Feels more constrictive
Than those walls ever did

I didn't know
That I wouldn't know how to stand
When I was no longer being forced
To kneel before the lie
That broke my heart
These beautiful spaces
Are too bright for my eyes
That only knew the dark

I didn't know
That the cruel lessons they taught me
And those I had to teach myself
Those things that helped me survive
Weren't going to help me live
Here on the other side
Of this"happy ending"
In a world I never thought was real

I didn't know
That there would come a time
When all of my pretending
Would have to come undone
All the wounds of battles past
Would have to be bled dry
Of the infections and lies
That never let me heal

I didn't know
That I would ever find
Someone to believe in
Who could peel away these lies
And hold me as I shake
With the fear I couldn't show
And the tears I couldn't cry
Please don't walk away

I didn't know
That when the battle passed
I would still be fighting
It's all I've ever known
Not knowing how to give up
How can I surrender now
I thought I'd run forever
But you speak to me of rest

I didn't know
That I was still human
Still allowed to feel
That anyone would ever want me
Or that I could be good enough
So speak the truth to me
But be patient
As I learn to believe it

I didn't know

Every motion, every glance
Betrays a desperate plea
Do not deny me this one chance
Just believe in me

These are the days of our last summer
The days stretch long yet our time runs short
And goodbye has already begun
My heart starts pounding in my chest
When I think about the weeks ahead
And all the years we have behind us
My tears burn like the summer sun
My breath is raspy in my throat
Because I know goodbye is coming
And this time it's forever

These are the days of our last summer
And I cry to God with all my soul
How can this be?
I cling to what is slipping away
Because I know this time left with you
Will soon be just a memory
Forever marred with the pain
Of knowing how the story ends
I'm so sorry
I keep crying when we're together

These are the days of our last summer
And I know it's more difficult for you
Than you will ever let me know
But your smiles are like the fireworks
They burst so bright and yet they'll fade
And somehow you don't mind
Burning yourself up
Just to give me something beautiful to remember
Your cheerfulness so often selfless
Always so strong and brave

These are the days of our last summer
Which hug will be our last?
The last time you will hold my hand
And chase away the nightmares
Our last walk, our last drive together
Our last pointless conversation
Everything is changing soon
We'll say goodbye and you'll be gone
I'll stare at your empty bedroom
Holding a sunset of memories in my heart

These are the days of our last summer
And I remember so much we've shared
Fireflies lighting up a flooded night
Walking with angels by a lake
Eating ice cream in the snow
Falling, laughing, crying
And always your hand to pull me up
Holding me across the years
Teaching me to stand
But I never wanted to stand without you

These are the days of our last summer
And words will never capture
The love I learned from you
You taught me the meaning of sunrise
And I will not forget
No matter how the years may pass
I will always see you written across the summer days
Brilliant, bright, and burning
You brought the sun into my life
Which outshines even goodbye

A dying world moves forward
A blur of timeless haze
Each heart beats with a story
And every destiny unfolds

There is one standing still
Watching life pass her by
Her heart still beats
But she cannot be saved

Her story has been written
The ending has been told
She knows what they don't see
And she stands alone

She is the one past saving
She cannot be rescued
Her voice is rarely heard
But somehow she still speaks

This world cannot be hers
Nor can happiness
That's not her part to play
She was meant to be alone

So she waits
For anyone she can help
Knowing they will leave
And that her future isn't real

For her there's no tomorrow
Hope only brings pain
What she wants doesn't matter
But that's alright

Her heart is bleeding
Twisted in countless ways
She hides the bloodstains
And somehow she smiles

She has no time for tears
Her own pain does not matter
If she can live for others
She can still live on

Let me scream
Let me run
Let me fall now from grace
Punching the walls until my knuckles bleed
Feeling you steal the very breath from me
And I stand here alone
Trying to dig you out of my heart
I never realized
You bound me so
Softly stealing the light in my eyes
Seeping into my skin like acid rain
I believed in your lies
But I tried to survive
And all the glass houses I built
Believing to be friendships
Are shattering around me
Because I believed your lies
I believed theirs
I believed
Someone was coming to save me
I gave until I was empty
Until I finally noticed
You hollowed out my heart
Enslaved me to these lies
That I could never matter
Violation
The nightmares of abuse linger still
Just when I thought I could rise above them
I find another disaster in my heart
That can all lead back to you
You convinced me
It doesn't matter
Three words
I built my world around
And I hate you for it
So I cry out to God
Humiliated and broken again
Desperate
For a Savior
Free me from the lies
Save me from my past
Amen

She asked if I'd looked in the trunk of your car
A place I hadn't thought of
Since that dreadful, horrid day
All the nightmares of my childhood
Came bursting into the waking world
And desecrated my heart
Memories of that day
Are seared into my soul
With all the malice and menace
Of a thousand angry demons
Who finally had their chance
To clutch and cling and claw
And they almost pulled me under

She asked if I'd looked in the trunk of your car
A question weighted
With all the trauma and distrust
That solidified that day
In a physical proof we could no longer deny
And you could no longer hide
For years you went on deceiving
You lived inside your secret world
Where lies and life and pain
Got washed away inside that bottle
One you insisted had been gone
And you made us believe
You were no longer its slave

She asked if I'd looked in the trunk of your car
A question she spoke that day as well
After you had admitted to hiding the bottle there
But you weren't hiding anymore
The lie at last caught up with you
When I walked into that ER room
And I looked into the face
Of everything I had most feared
All the evils in my life
Were reflected in your eyes
Eyes meant to love and protect me
Now hollow and burning with hate and pain
That haunt me even still

She asked if I'd looked in the trunk of your car
And the truth was, I had
Just the smell of the car brought the memories back
I've borrowed your car and I can't help but remember
That day so clear in my mind
Trembling I glanced inside the trunk
And found it exactly the same as it was that day
A tattered notebook and some junk
And the same empty bag I pulled that bottle from
I had thrown it away with shaking hands
These hands are shaking still
Barely believing we have survived
Your journey to rock-bottom

She asked if I'd looked in the trunk of your car
And this bag is all that remains
A proof that contradicts your insistence
That's what is past is gone
And can be discarded
Like this empty plastic bag
Yet it just won't go away
Even when I put it back
Tightly closed inside a hidden space
And I walk away
You proved to me that day
That nightmares may fade
But they never really die

She asked if I'd looked in the trunk of your car
And I could hear the tension in her voice
Strained with hurt, hope, and pain
Wrapped so tightly in her expectation of betrayal
And my own heart hardened
Even as I reached out to hers
Bitterness seeped just a little deeper in my soul
As I pushed the idea away
That she should comfort me for once
I smiled and brightly reassured her
I had looked and all was well
There was nothing in that trunk
Except a past that binds us still

Thank you
For sharing some of your heart with me
I promise I will keep it safe
And I will never walk away
I know it seems strange
That I should love your heart so fiercely
Precious in the eyes of the Lord
Is the death of His faithful ones
You have died a thousand deaths
And the Lord was never blind
He has chosen to let me see your heart
With the love held in His eyes
You are not forgotten
And you are not alone
Your heart bleeds love until its empty
And still you give
Desperately reaching
For something that can fill you
Before you become
Too hollow to survive
I know you've been betrayed
Attacked by those you love
And those who were meant to love you
More than anyone
Your soul shudders from the longing
For a mother who doesn't dig
Deep claw marks in your heart
For a father who doesn't leave
Such angry emptiness inside you
For a world that makes some sense
Because it shouldn't be this way
You carry such a burden
And you try so hard to hide it
These wounds inside your heart
Bleed out all the more with fierce compassion
You long to protect and rescue others
The way you never were
And I promise you this day
No matter how you wander
Or get lost in the storms
I will never walk away
I know the truth your heart has forgotten
I see it when I look through God's eyes
You are precious in His sight
So you are precious in my eyes
You say you are a burden
I say you are a gift from God
And I give thanks
That He let me stand with you
You may not understand it
Perhaps you never will
This side of Heaven
But that's alright
Just trust me when I say
You are God's gift in my life
You never have to apologize
You don't have to thank me
Thank you for sharing some of your heart with me
I promise I will keep it safe
And I will never walk away

I'm shaking today
Biting all my nails
When I look to tomorrow
I have to look away again
In my dreams
Nightmares
You have left a hundred times already
But reality
Makes me tremble
At least this pain
This fear, this sorrow
This is familiar
If there's one thing I know
It's how to survive
No matter what happens
I will

Always


Survive

You cut such an impressive figure
Standing large in my life
I look up at you
And I feel myself shrink back
The way a child does
When quieted by someone with power
I stand my ground
I keep my head held high
I give off the impression
That you and I are on level ground
That we see eye to eye
We are equals and I am strong
Am I strong enough to let you take the lead?
I fall in step behind you
Walking on the faith of another
But as I walk I falter
And I give myself away
There's such a struggle inside me
A child looks at you through my eyes
Who so wants to trust you
Who wants you to be the one
That finally rescues her
But that's not your role
This child that seeks to be rescued
Never will be
You won't fight the demons
That have bruised her innocence
So teach me how to hold her
This child that won't grow up
She got lost inside the storms
The demons hold her captive still
She resonates through me
Jarring my steps as I try to follow
Why should we trust you
When you won't **** the demons?
You say I'm the only one
Who can rescue my own heart
Such a lonely, painful truth
I become so angry and afraid
Angry that you see this storm
And say we must pass through
When the child believes you have the power to stop it
For a while
Angry that I couldn't stop the storm myself
That I couldn't walk alone
Angry that the demons came
And no one ever saw
Afraid of trusting you
Afraid you'll lead me in this storm and stop
That you'll just leave
When you realize how bad it truly is
That you'll see this chaos in my soul
And say it's too much to deal with
You'll leave me in the storm
Because I'm so broken
Like those who came before me
The bruises of innocence beaten
Remind me with every step forward
That we have been here before
So I walk on the faith of another
Hoping I can trust you
You aren't what I want
But you might be what I need