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 Jul 2013 Rachel Gifford
Redshift
i am so tired
of staring at these four walls
that define my existence
but whenever i leave them
i wish i was
in their stranglehold
embrace.
everyone wants to know
why i won't do this
or why i don't do that
or why i can't sleep
and i always tell them
that there is nothing wrong with me at all
and that would be true
if the small movies
of my childhood
didn't play against my eyelids
every time i try
to rest my tired
spine
daddy,
i am not
fine.
"There was once a boy named Milo who didn't know what to do with himself — not just sometimes, but always.

When he was in school he longed to be out, and when he was out he longed to be in. On the way he thought about coming home, and coming home he thought about going. Wherever he was he wished he were somewhere else, and when he got there he wondered why he'd bothered. Nothing really interested him — least of all the things that should have."
the blood
my cuts
the scars....
my withdrawals
this lust
the pills
the spots
the marks he left
these thoughts
my prayers it all reminds me of where i was.
God im so sorry
im so so sorry.
im so in love with you, God..
i know its been awhile.
and im so ashamed
im unworthy at the highest levels.
im so sorry
i never meant to hurt you.
i feel selfish,
angry
guilty
i hate myself God
i need you to change me.
break my walls down
the walls of oppression
the ones imprisoning me
the walls of addiction
Lord break my walls down
i love you God i love you God i love you !!!
i need you
Lord i need you
i need you
i need you
i need you
i need you
i need you
i need you
i need you!!!!
....God i know im not perfect, i know im not...
but i know with you i am not just somebody
im not just those cuts
or the scars
or the pills i overdosed
or the marks he left
im not "just" anything with you God...
I AM the daughter of the king of the most high..
and God right now i dont feel like that.
but i feel you drawing close God.
Glory.
glory
glory.
i need your forgivness Lord
i love you
As we grow up I think we are taught,
That people are more important
Than they actually are.
We spend most of our days,
searching for something.
A lost soul,
A little life,
An other half to complete the puzzle.

But the part of us missing,
that someone else completes
Is complex, is difficult, is time consuming,
And not every one fits.

Nobody tells us this.
We spend time,
And time,
And time again with those who don’t matter,
And forget those who do.

We are heartbroken when our temporary loves don’t last,
Even though they were never supposed to.
They weren't part of the plan.

So, just when you think that you’re all alone,
Remember the missing piece can only be filled
By someone who is kind,
Who is generous.
Who doesn’t just understand you,
But wants to.
Who doesn’t just hold your hand,
But embraces it.
Who doesn’t just kiss you,
But takes your breath away.”

— The End —