Tonight I can write about the nights you have abandoned me,
The nights I agree with your absurdities
So young and naive, never did I understand what made them separate.
Always blaming myself, I never understood what made you such a bad man.
It's like clockwork, for everyday this man I do not recognize walks through the door,
Quietly I repeat, 'he cannot be the father I once loved'
Never knowing what to expect, I lock myself in my room and blast music,
Drowning everything out.
I avoid what will soon become an hour of nonsense.
Hearing the loud thumps up the stairs, I realize it is my turn.
Any small thing I have done or not done is now game.
These are the nights that make our 'relationship' continue to thrive on hatred.
I ask myself why you do this, why you call yourself the 'cancer' in my life.
Your apologies mean nothing.
Day after day we continue our isolated lives, never speaking.
Never anywhere near each other.
This is how we function and neither one of us is willing to change.
We are as stubborn as addicts.
No longer do I blame myself for our failed relationship,
Instead I tell myself that you do love me and never learned how to show it.
Occasionally I can look you in the face and call you my father without blaming you.
I continue to hope everything will improve.
Still some of the things you have said can never be undone or forgotten.
Tonight I can write as the pain slowly keeps slipping from my hearts grasp.