You came like an angel
On wings of pure white
You stole my heart that July night
Your lips were like honeysuckle
Sweet as honey
Dripping passion
Sweet talking
Laid back country loving
Fire pits
And bare feet
Kicking back
Pure love
Uncomplicated
No secrets
This is a back woods
Cold beer
Tail gate
Star gazing
Saturday fishing
Laid back country loving

The movement of my chest will end
I took the pills
One by one
Name by name
I took the pills
For you that ***** me a pill
For my mom abandoning me a pill
For the dad I never knew
And the bully that told me I should
For the guy I loved
He was the most pills
He torn apart my soul
Nit picked my thoughts
No deed was good enough
Wouldn't listen when I needed him
I took those pills
Writing one last poem
My hands shock
And the words blurred
If it works goodbye
If not the razor
My angel will save me.

Rain soaked tree tops
Slippery ground
Running running
My lungs about to burst
One demon
Two demon
Three demons
Four
A fifth one bringing up the rear
Feet begin to slide
The cold hard ground
One on top
Two holding me down
One standing by
Switch
And switch again
Till they all get a turn
Laughing voices
**** and a *****
Blood running down pale bare legs
The sun would rise and the sun would set
Never showing a tear on my face
Cause I've kept it in till that night
One innocent boy who didn't tell
What he knew
Ended his life boom boom
There on the floor
I wipe the blood from his eyes
RIP brother
May your rest be better
Then the life you lived.

Her existence was nothing less than traumatic.
Always apprehensive
Always neglected
Alcoholic for a father
Absent mother
Her innocence taken
No one was convicted
Called a liar
Placed in psychiatric treatment
No one took a chance
Beat and abused
Passed by and overlooked
Till she felt like nothing
She took drastic measures
A beautiful baby girl
Now a broken young women
A puddle of blood
A bullet In her head
She found a permanent solution to an ever worsening problem
Now everyone is crying over mere ashes.
A tomb stone
Mark's another lost life.
But where's the justice in that?

Stripped away from her family
Surrounded by strangers.
Visitation taken, rights neglected.
Bruises healing
Fear beginning
1 in 300,000 chances of surviving
Probably gonna die
Might end up in prison
Searching for a place to call home
A forever family
To escape the system
Family after family
None seem fitting
Year by year
1 in 500,000 chances
Twice a week therapy sessions.
Daily medications
Diagnosed with depression
Chances slipping
1 in 800,000
A little older
A little more lost
The days go by
Years pass
tired of waiting
Suicide attempts
Self medication
Treament facilities
Another statistic
This is what happens
To children neglected.
Another few years older
Even more apprehensive
Abusive baby daddies
Turned to alcoholism
1 in 1,000,000 chances
Never craved a high more than now
Why would it matter
Needles tracks would numb the pain
But needle tracks would rot her brain
God why is there no out
Bullet to the brain?
God please take it away
God want save her
She’s just another child neglected turned bitter woman
Running from her past
Never really healing
Brick walls are all she knows
Proctect that heart that should’ve been cherish
She’s a queen of pain
Sitting elegant on her throne
Prince Charming never came for this princess.
She’s 1 in 2,000,000

When you look at me what do you see?
Can you see past my smile
to the pain in my eyes?
Can you see my wishes
those secret desires I strive to hide?
Can you see the love I'm scared to show?
Can you even see me or are you focused on the beauty you perceive?
I'm not perfect I can't give you the perfect love.
What can I say?
I'm not going to express my wishes unless its hidden in the perfect poetic form.
I'm going to push your limits say things that Will hurt
but if you look me in the eyes for even 1 second you will find the answers to your questions.
so give it 1 second.
take my hand and look at me really see me for me.
in that 1 second you Will find peace.

we call him Timothy
little Tim
wild child for fun
he has a reckless side
drinks to escape
smokes for elevation
a walking heart breaker.
his jealousy is his protection
his anger his shield
he will watch you cry
then apologize
he will call you names
then hold you as you sleep
take his hand if you dare
but one wrong move and its flight instead of fight
take a walk with the devil
that's a safer alternative
Sweet as sugar
heart of ice
I dare you to take a ride on the wild side
it's a excellent adventure
but don't expect him to fall in love
his heart only beats when he f**ks you
that's his motivation
fall if you must
but if  you do
watch him take a step back
let's just be friends
no explanation
This is Timothy
the king of pain

The lovers game:
The rules are simple
1)Have fun but be the first to leave
2)Don't fall in love and if you do run
3)Never Wear your heart on your sleeve
4)Leave them wanting more
5)Know the game before you play
6)Be a heart breaker


Baby I don't want to play the lovers game
Not with You anyways
We don't have to play
Come let me hold you
I can make it go away
A simple kiss till you forget your name
Laying my head upon your chest
I hear the fear in your voice
This is another first
You know the game well
Hell you created it
But baby some games are never meant to be played.

June:
Darling guess who
-The president?
Close but no someone you love more
-James Bond ?
It does start with a J so closer
- I know who it is
-I love you
I love you too
July:
-Please respond
-Please answer me
-Hello?
-You there?
I'm busy
-Ok
August:
-This isn't working out
I agree
-Good
I never want to see you again. I don't care about what you do or what happens. I don't want to be part of your life. Just go away.

The best summer of my life and he doesn't know.
My pride took over and I couldn't let my emotions show.
I locked my love in a room punishing her for letting me get hurt.
Now I live with a broken heart
Doing whatever it takes to hide the pain

You never see
You never care
History always repeats
We play the same game
We've been playing it since 15
But really its ok
I'm immune to the pain
I'm done
This is story is redundant
I write poetry to express it
But you never read the words
Now I'm playing songs on repeat
To stop the tears from falling

Abandoned
Forsaken
Wishing she had chosen relinquishment of my life in the womb
An abomination to society
An accident of my mothers making
Inadequate in all areas of life
Abnormal
An embarrassment to my family
Acknowledged for my abstract ideas
But no acceptances for who I am
Everyone wants to change me
Animosity is a feeling that I feel upon entering a room
Why didn't she have an abortion
Instead choosing to vanquish my belief in myself.
Destroying my chances of a future
Worthless to her
Useless just another tool used for manipulation
Hypercritical words fall upon my ears
An idea of who I should be, but its not who I am
Preaching words out the bible but she doesn't follow it herself.

A miscommunication of the words that I'm preaching
Little boys and little girls finding comfort in words with a deeper meaning
Extra extra extra read all about
My friends claim I'm not the same girl who they once knew
And I must admit its the truth
Every since I decided to become bigger then my own idol
Its been a downward spiral
Words thrown at at me left and right
People put me down with words rooted in hate
All because ive turned into a seeker of the truth
And because i refuse to downgrade myself to be societies fool
I sink to my knees for no one but my own God
And im stronger then the swords used to attack me.
if you can't handle the truth feel free to leave
I'm Just another girl trying not to conform
Trying to make it without losing my sense of self
No one asked for this life
but everyone seems to play the governments fool
to bad for you
I'm prosecuted for my beliefs
I have people who prefer to spit in my face
it's not my fault you can't handle the truth
Don't get me wrong
I'm not saying I'm better then you
I'm just  saying
I know things you will never know
because I'm no fool
I fight
I cry
call on God when things aren't right
I listen
I see
I know what's really going on
a world divided is a world that's conquered
I'm only trying to give society a wake up call

Open books
Closed wounds
Words in which I can hide
Shakespeare, and Robert Frost
Some of the best works
In which I found meaning to life

Blonde hair
Blue eyes
Whispered I love yous
Such a stupid cliché
High school love
Is there really such a thing
He loves me, he loves me not???
Redundancy is what I hear
Such a stupid game that our hearts play
A victim of the lovers game
Images of a wedding day
White dress and roses
Another stupid cliché
A honeymoon most likely in the city of romance where there will be wine and gental kisses
The stupidity of the notion is astonishing
Two souls claiming love
The brunnete and the blonde
The perfect couple
Cliché, cliché, cliché
A repeating cliché
Its funny how its playing out
Unoriginal copies of past lovers
Im his cliché
And he is mine
Recreating memories of what society finds acceptable
None the less vows probably used a thousand times
I take him as mine in better and worse, sickness and health, richer and poorer till death do us part
Just another cliché
It's nothing more then a elaborate facades to prove the love of two hearts
Humor me with something more then a cliché

I wake up
Bright lights
Im back
Jumbled thoughts
It didnt work
I thought for sure it would have
Alcohol for pleasure
Pills as another measure
A razor across my vein
So much blood why didn't it work?
Why do i exist in a world of hate
Chased by demons
Baring the mark of the broken
Covered in scares as a token of self hate
Questioning everything
Because manipulation
Is second nature in this ****** up world
Whats the point of living
Is there a higher purpose
Following a religion that no one really believes in
Holding more to the theory of evolution
Spontaneous creation
But why is it that demons don't evolve they stay the same
Its impossible for them to change
They take the form of the past in every season.
There's no forgiveness
Or escape from the chains they bind me with
My own worst enemy
My version of self destruction

Rings on the table
From bottles of ***** left
When I passed out
Pills scattered on the floor where I dropped them
Blood stained shirt from self induced harm
Lights in the window
A loud noise growing closer
Sharp ***** in my arm
Tube down my throat
Oxygen forced in side of me
Sobbing in the background
Asking why
Beep beep beeeeeeeep
My heart stops
Sudden pain in my body
An electric current
A jummble of strange voices
"Hold on"
I dont want to
"You have to fight the choice is yours"
Then stop trying to save me

I have a proclamation
A declaration seems fitting
An outpouring of my emotions
Love isnt something i nornally discuss but this time it is needed
For the lack of better terms I'm finally "in love"
Yes I just said something that I never expected to say
It sounds forgein even to me
Its a phrase used to the point of redundancy
Typically I would call it a idiotic notion
But this time it a different form of emotion
Its a desire to understand and to be found pleasing
Its the skipping of my heart when he replies to my texts
Its blood rushing to my pale face when he calls me beautiful
A smile on my lips when he says i love you
Its the uncontrolled laughter I feel
The moments at night when my thoughts go back to him
Its a repeation of ****** love songs because they say what i  can't find the words to express
Its an unnatural obsession with everything he does
The hearts interpersonal emotions
Its ignoring of my minds warning.
Its ignoring his flaws even when I see them
The desire to put a smile on his face
A choice to change if he so much as asked
Dreams that faded because i couldnt bare to leave him
Yes I'm in love
And I don't really understand
But what can I say
Love changes everything

I write About bad things but on the flip side
Not everything I have to say is bad
I remember the good days
Trips to Theme parks
To short to ride the rides but it was ok it was fun anyways
Stuffed animals won at carnival games
Post cards from places I dreamed of going
Quarters spent on bubble gum machines
Temporary tattoos only requirement was water
Juice drank from road side stores on another trip to strange places
Hotdogs on the grill when the power went out
Cuddling in one bed when the heat was turned off
Reading books about other people a beginning of a childs imagination
Dollars under pillows everytime a tooth was lost
Sleepovers and slumber parties at the house of a friend
Toe shoes and music
Popcorn and chocolate
Flowers on valentines from a secret crush
A's on tests and Friday night football games
Class president speaker at graduation
College acceptance
A engagement to a high school love
And one friend who understands
If you keep searching eventually you find the good.

Someone take my hand
Let me show you where it began
Just take a moment to listen
The truth will soon play out
I take you back to 1997
The year a beautiful girl was born
When snow covered the ground
And they wrapped her a pink blanket
Her mother had a daughter but she never really wanted her
1998 one year from the day theres snow on the ground again only this time theres brusises on a childs face
1999 just another day for a family of five only soon things will change
2000 the mother faded away into a world of self induced haze and the young girl had her innocence stripped away
2001 society got involved but the truth was hidden so nothing came of the unwanted medeling
2002 the show is just beginning when they locked her outside in the cold not letting her back in till she stopped pleading
2003 waking up in a hospital bed lips blue and not remembering the plot is beginning to thicken
2004 busted lips bruised arms and cover ups till society has a suspicion and times are about change
are you still listening because I'm taking you a lot farther?
2005 another strange home with another family who doesnt care money is desired and thats all that matters
2006 slit wrists and suicide attempts broken promises and hospital stays
2007 just another year with more pain and nothing to gain from living
2008 lost communication anger and homicidal aggression
2009 change of a name still the same game
I promise just a little farther. Soon everything will be over.
2010 miscommunication manipulation and suicide obsession
2011 treatment seems to be answer to the problems but in hindsight it never changed anything
2012 another year sitting in unwanted treatment all alone surrounded by insanity trying to find her place to be
2013 cell walls and an addiction to a razor blade writing about lifes pain assumed to be insane
2014 society gave a misdiagnosis to the real problem not really insane just looking for escape
2015 that brings us to today where shes has learned to hide the pain just to save herself from people assuming she seeks attention..
The real problem has never changed she still faces the pain of the past and the demons still put up a chase
Maybe one day there will truly be a change in her fate but for now it gets darker everyday
The moon no longer shines at night and it rains all day
Clouding the reality of what's really going on.
Reality is a ***** waiting to strike again only this time
People will begin to understand the parts that are meant to be understood

I'm going down a path of self expression
But what is it that im feeling
Surrounded by those who love me
But what is it they are loving
Is it what they see or what they are hearing
Because nothing is as it appears
Im actually screaming help me
With every step that I take
I cover up the truth in cryptic poetry
Because somethings aren't meant to understood
Don't think for a minute that you know
you only see what I choose to show
I'm following an example because its the only thing I know
But you only see words on paper not the real show
I could show you what I'm talking about
But then where would we go
I don't want your pity
**** being understood
I'm the girl full of shame
I'm a outcast of my own making
Self created form of an alternate reality
I'll eventually be fine
In a world with fake friends
A family without love
A relationship lacking communication
Its honestly ok
It will play out
How things are truly meant to be
Is it fate or can it change?
I'm only crying to be shown love
But the world doesn't know the difference between love and lust
Everyone's full of demons
And you don't know who to trust
But in the end its just another game
Check mate ive won again
Only I didn't
I had to change
Just to make a friend
But where's that said friend
She never really existed it was all a fantasy
Because I created something in my head
Here we go again
Starting at the beginning
I'm going down a path of self expression
But what am I really saying
I don't know who I am
There's so much to be said
But my words change nothing
I'm still the Queen of pain
I'm still stuck in his game
I'm still self harming from the pain
Posting pictures hoping the world thinks ive changed
I'm still full of rage
Still pushing people away
Are you loving what you see or what you are hearing
Someone please tell me
I'm driving myself insane
Drinking alcohol to the point of forgetting all my obligations
What is it that needs to be changed
Why is it that you aren't really listening
Is it because I rebelled against everything you wanted me to be
Or is it because you locked me up
Trying to save me from something that still haunts me today
You thought the therapy would change me but it only taught me what to say
To change the course of the treatment
It taught me how to manipulate societies System
And only express myself when no one can figure out the meaning
To hide the truth in carefully constructed sentences
But the time is drawing near so I leave you with a question
What it is ive been saying?

Once again ive lost my battle
As I hold another razor to my wrist
Just to watch the blood pour
Because seeing and feeling the pain
Is my desire
Escaping from a land ruled by emotions
Becoming the queen of pain

Everyday she is forced to fake a smile.
She doesn't want the world to know the pain she feels inside.
She hates herself but says she doesn't.
She laughs when its not funny.
She smiles even when it hurts.
Thinking if the world only knew.
Everyone finds her beautiful, if only she felt the same.
Shes told everyday that people love her, but love is her biggest fear.
With love comes the truth.
The truth of what she tries to hide.
Pain, Anger, and Fear.

There is a secret meaning behind I love you.
I need you.
I want you.
Hold me.
Kiss me.
Dry my tears.
Make me laugh.
Tell me it will be ok.

It started out as a seemingly innocent charade.
But soon become more then just another game to be played.
needles in arms.
smoke in lungs.
burning noses.
Swirling images.
Another form of torture
Look at what has been done.
Covering up to hide the bruising.
Nothing but pure desire.
A mind going hay-wire.
Another lost life.
Another broken heart.
A family now falling apart.
No love.
No peace of mind.
No escape from the choices that were made.
Trying to stop
The demons still taunt
Shaking hands
Numb mind
Searching for another hit
Swearing this is it
Bags cover your dresser top
Now you see it's hard to stop

Looking out a window
Watching your life flash remembering the good times.
Remembering the bad times.
Remembering his touch.
Remembering the cuts.
Remembering the pain.
Remembering that day when you lost your first kid.
Remembering how he laughed.
It all flashes as you lay there stareing out the window.

Wondering silently, not a sound to be heard                                                  
A boy walks around head held down
A single tear slides down his pale cheek
His father doesn't cares
His mother was never there
His sister was killed selling her self on the street
To him it seems as if no one care

A mask of happiness hides anger.
A mask of anger hides sadness.
A mask of sadness hides fear.

He was young
sixteen years old
he had many friends
and a family to hold
he went out one night and got addicted to *****
soon the bottle wasn't enough
he craved heavier stuff
one day he came home angry and confused
he took a gun to his head
BOOM!
he dropped to the floor
a scarlet puddle covered white
Now its time to say goodbye

She sits alone,
doesn't want anyone to know,
she's not a ******,
but the choice wasn't her own,
by night her oldest protector, and friend
takes a piece of her time and time again.
She doesn't fight, but always cries
"Daddy, how could you do this my protector and friend"
One day I asked her why she's always alone
she started to cry and took off her jacket
behold her arms were covered in scars
when I asked her why she said
" There is a slash for every time my oldest protector and friend has taken a piece of me"
I sat and counted every scar on her pale skin and when I was done I also started to cry
How could someone do this to one so beautiful?
I asked why she didn't eat and she replied
" maybe if I was skinny he would stop"
I told her she was beautiful but she thought  that it was a lie
so I cried
" I asked her why she didn't tell someone and she said
" why should she he's my oldest protector, and friend"
I replied if you told it would stop
she got up and asked if I would come with her
Yes I replied
we walked together and I cried while she told
" he wasn't her oldest protector or friend"
Later that night I talked to her on the phone
she told me her father was arrested and how she felt so lost
I told her if she ever  needed me just pick up her phone
She called me two weeks later and I talked her out of suicide
Three years later
I got another call
she told me how she's pregnant, but not sure if she's ready
I told her to have faith, because things will always work out because she has me her protector and friend.

As the days wore on,
and the pain set in,
she became bitter and nasty.

Birth is the beginning of life
5 is the beginning of long years in school
18 is the beginning of adulthood
21 is the beginning of a time of parties where you can drink
there are many more beginnings in life,
but the most treasured moment is when you realize that you just brought a beautiful baby into the world,
and you realize that from that moment on you most do what it takes to protect that bundle of joy.

I sit all alone fearing conversation,
I know that if I talk the truth will come out,
my life isn't good, or great, or even okay,
when I go home tired from the day.
I go to my room and cry,
because I know that all my smiles are fake,
and that when my mom comes home I will receive a slap in the face,
she want ask how my day was, or ask my if  things are okay,
she want notice the cuts on wrists where five minutes earlier I  made more then one slash,
because my mom loves to drink more then loving her own kid