I wake up
Bright lights
Im back
Jumbled thoughts
It didnt work
I thought for sure it would have
Alcohol for pleasure
Pills as another measure
A razor across my vein
So much blood why didn't it work?
Why do i exist in a world of hate
Chased by demons
Baring the mark of the broken
Covered in scares as a token of self hate
Questioning everything
Because manipulation
Is second nature in this ****** up world
Whats the point of living
Is there a higher purpose
Following a religion that no one really believes in
Holding more to the theory of evolution
Spontaneous creation
But why is it that demons don't evolve they stay the same
Its impossible for them to change
They take the form of the past in every season.
There's no forgiveness
Or escape from the chains they bind me with
My own worst enemy
My version of self destruction

Rings on the table
From bottles of ***** left
When I passed out
Pills scattered on the floor where I dropped them
Blood stained shirt from self induced harm
Lights in the window
A loud noise growing closer
Sharp ***** in my arm
Tube down my throat
Oxygen forced in side of me
Sobbing in the background
Asking why
Beep beep beeeeeeeep
My heart stops
Sudden pain in my body
An electric current
A jummble of strange voices
"Hold on"
I dont want to
"You have to fight the choice is yours"
Then stop trying to save me

I have a proclamation
A declaration seems fitting
An outpouring of my emotions
Love isnt something i nornally discuss but this time it is needed
For the lack of better terms I'm finally "in love"
Yes I just said something that I never expected to say
It sounds forgein even to me
Its a phrase used to the point of redundancy
Typically I would call it a idiotic notion
But this time it a different form of emotion
Its a desire to understand and to be found pleasing
Its the skipping of my heart when he replies to my texts
Its blood rushing to my pale face when he calls me beautiful
A smile on my lips when he says i love you
Its the uncontrolled laughter I feel
The moments at night when my thoughts go back to him
Its a repeation of ****** love songs because they say what i  can't find the words to express
Its an unnatural obsession with everything he does
The hearts interpersonal emotions
Its ignoring of my minds warning.
Its ignoring his flaws even when I see them
The desire to put a smile on his face
A choice to change if he so much as asked
Dreams that faded because i couldnt bare to leave him
Yes I'm in love
And I don't really understand
But what can I say
Love changes everything

I write About bad things but on the flip side
Not everything I have to say is bad
I remember the good days
Trips to Theme parks
To short to ride the rides but it was ok it was fun anyways
Stuffed animals won at carnival games
Post cards from places I dreamed of going
Quarters spent on bubble gum machines
Temporary tattoos only requirement was water
Juice drank from road side stores on another trip to strange places
Hotdogs on the grill when the power went out
Cuddling in one bed when the heat was turned off
Reading books about other people a beginning of a childs imagination
Dollars under pillows everytime a tooth was lost
Sleepovers and slumber parties at the house of a friend
Toe shoes and music
Popcorn and chocolate
Flowers on valentines from a secret crush
A's on tests and Friday night football games
Class president speaker at graduation
College acceptance
A engagement to a high school love
And one friend who understands
If you keep searching eventually you find the good.

Someone take my hand
Let me show you where it began
Just take a moment to listen
The truth will soon play out
I take you back to 1997
The year a beautiful girl was born
When snow covered the ground
And they wrapped her a pink blanket
Her mother had a daughter but she never really wanted her
1998 one year from the day theres snow on the ground again only this time theres brusises on a childs face
1999 just another day for a family of five only soon things will change
2000 the mother faded away into a world of self induced haze and the young girl had her innocence stripped away
2001 society got involved but the truth was hidden so nothing came of the unwanted medeling
2002 the show is just beginning when they locked her outside in the cold not letting her back in till she stopped pleading
2003 waking up in a hospital bed lips blue and not remembering the plot is beginning to thicken
2004 busted lips bruised arms and cover ups till society has a suspicion and times are about change
are you still listening because I'm taking you a lot farther?
2005 another strange home with another family who doesnt care money is desired and thats all that matters
2006 slit wrists and suicide attempts broken promises and hospital stays
2007 just another year with more pain and nothing to gain from living
2008 lost communication anger and homicidal aggression
2009 change of a name still the same game
I promise just a little farther. Soon everything will be over.
2010 miscommunication manipulation and suicide obsession
2011 treatment seems to be answer to the problems but in hindsight it never changed anything
2012 another year sitting in unwanted treatment all alone surrounded by insanity trying to find her place to be
2013 cell walls and an addiction to a razor blade writing about lifes pain assumed to be insane
2014 society gave a misdiagnosis to the real problem not really insane just looking for escape
2015 that brings us to today where shes has learned to hide the pain just to save herself from people assuming she seeks attention..
The real problem has never changed she still faces the pain of the past and the demons still put up a chase
Maybe one day there will truly be a change in her fate but for now it gets darker everyday
The moon no longer shines at night and it rains all day
Clouding the reality of what's really going on.
Reality is a ***** waiting to strike again only this time
People will begin to understand the parts that are meant to be understood

I'm going down a path of self expression
But what is it that im feeling
Surrounded by those who love me
But what is it they are loving
Is it what they see or what they are hearing
Because nothing is as it appears
Im actually screaming help me
With every step that I take
I cover up the truth in cryptic poetry
Because somethings aren't meant to understood
Don't think for a minute that you know
you only see what I choose to show
I'm following an example because its the only thing I know
But you only see words on paper not the real show
I could show you what I'm talking about
But then where would we go
I don't want your pity
**** being understood
I'm the girl full of shame
I'm a outcast of my own making
Self created form of an alternate reality
I'll eventually be fine
In a world with fake friends
A family without love
A relationship lacking communication
Its honestly ok
It will play out
How things are truly meant to be
Is it fate or can it change?
I'm only crying to be shown love
But the world doesn't know the difference between love and lust
Everyone's full of demons
And you don't know who to trust
But in the end its just another game
Check mate ive won again
Only I didn't
I had to change
Just to make a friend
But where's that said friend
She never really existed it was all a fantasy
Because I created something in my head
Here we go again
Starting at the beginning
I'm going down a path of self expression
But what am I really saying
I don't know who I am
There's so much to be said
But my words change nothing
I'm still the Queen of pain
I'm still stuck in his game
I'm still self harming from the pain
Posting pictures hoping the world thinks ive changed
I'm still full of rage
Still pushing people away
Are you loving what you see or what you are hearing
Someone please tell me
I'm driving myself insane
Drinking alcohol to the point of forgetting all my obligations
What is it that needs to be changed
Why is it that you aren't really listening
Is it because I rebelled against everything you wanted me to be
Or is it because you locked me up
Trying to save me from something that still haunts me today
You thought the therapy would change me but it only taught me what to say
To change the course of the treatment
It taught me how to manipulate societies System
And only express myself when no one can figure out the meaning
To hide the truth in carefully constructed sentences
But the time is drawing near so I leave you with a question
What it is ive been saying?

Once again ive lost my battle
As I hold another razor to my wrist
Just to watch the blood pour
Because seeing and feeling the pain
Is my desire
Escaping from a land ruled by emotions
Becoming the queen of pain