ground zero
i become aware of boundaries
i am a dog chasing cars
i sing your voicemail to sleep
there are no surgeon general warnings
to tell me that
the objects in the mirror
are more depressed than they appear
so how do i tell you
that there are parts of my life
that move slower
without you in them?
or that i look for you every day
in emails & unanswered calls
in the sunrises
i didn't choose to be awake to watch
that i sometimes still stare at doorways hoping you would walk through them
   *stage 1 you tell your new lover you've got a splinter and they pull the sound of your body falling asleep on mine out of your fingertip
   stage 2 your new lover says something at dinner that makes you choke so they call 911 & the paramedics do the hymleich not knowing you would ***** our promises all over the the restaurant
   stage 3 your new lover surprises you by cleaning the house & washes the shirt you kept next to the bed, not knowing it was the last thing you had that smelled like me
after
people always ask
what was loving her like?
after a really long silence
i just say
"it must be nice"
but i never say
it's watching paint dry
i never say
it's a window seat in hell
i don't tell anyone
about the dreams
where i am reading you
bedtime stories
each one is a different way you die
& every time i can never save you
dreams where what i think
are angels in my bedroom
are just homeless versions
of myself you never loved
i have dreams
where i pay someone to shoot me
just to see if you would cry
just to see
if you would cradle my body
i don't tell people
that loving you is like
playing piano
for someone who can't hear
that it's hitting repeat
on my favorite song
& forgetting the words
every time it starts over
that it's finding out
there's no milk after you already
poured yourself a bowl of cereal
it's getting locked in the dark
& being told to
look on the bright side
that loving you is like
being reminded of what it felt like
the first time
you accidentally let go
of a balloon as a child
it's drowning without the water
it's the feeling you get
when you start to dance
& the song ends

Our love was a trick candle on a birthday cake
The flame dwindling down right before catching fire just ONE more time–or so we thought
We’ve circled this block too many times, when will we learn our lesson?
Maybe we’re trying too hard to keep the fire going
Our timeclock is blaring zeroes but we won’t get off the field
Our expiration has passed and the mold is not hiding from us any longer
I guess, this is goodbye

In Spanish,“me gusta” or, “I like” directly translates to “you are pleasing to me”

this is how I feel about you, “I like you” is an enormous understatement

because when your eyes are on me, my body shines like christmas lights

you are pleasing to me

your smile reminds me of the feeling I got when the boy I had a crush on in the 3rd grade passed me a note in class–like in that moment I know I must have done something right

you are pleasing to me

and god, your hands are like stars, piecing together new constellations every time you touch me

you are pleasing to me

I don’t know how to tell you that your love is my long lost best friend and I’m so glad we found each other

after all this time

you are pleasing to me