i step further forward
with every breath
and down deeper
with every step
and i'll give my excuses out loud
to everyone around
except you
branches intertwining above our heads
roots down below, invisible
everything is so much more poetic
less with the carefully thought-out adjectives
and well-placed commas
and more with the phrases
that just drop from the sky
leave the capitals and punctuation behind
i'm forgetting the english language
and i kinda love it
further forward
with every breath
and down deeper
with every
single
lower-case
step

it was another day of
silent singing, mouth closed
hands clenched tight, buried
within the secret of old leather
earphones saving the sound
and spitting it into my mind

the hum of a fluorescent lamp
old, but
it still works

the creak of the bed
as I slide in

the whisper of a foreign room
and the breathing of a strange house
fill my ears

yellow light floods my vision
from the left
the wall, to the right
bears my shadow

I turn
try to catch a glimpse of me
but I am blurred
stretched
in this place
maybe
I am not myself.

the snow outside has become part of the cement
and everywhere there are lights
extinguished, renewed
and all i can think about
is the countdown in my mind, repeating
regrets, forming thoughts, and i think
next year, i would like to learn
how to step in time with the music
that plays in my head
and i would like to learn
how to turn it off
i want to breathe deeper
write more words
inhale the scent of knowledge
that i didn't know existed
and feel alone
in a different, more beautiful way
and yet here i am, sitting
with my feet magnetized to the floor
and my fingers typing, hungry
looking for more
than just the thoughts in my head
i'll think more next year, i promise
although that's an empty threat
since all i ever do is think
my point is, i'm here on my knees
with springtime pulling at my waist
summer shining down on my face
autumn leaves still in my pockets
and winter hot on my heels
kneeling down, bowed
before the end of december
saying
please, january
come save me

you can’t just assume that
i’m gonna swallow these words whole
without trying to digest them
well guess what?
i might have a tough stomach
but when you’re not looking, i turn my head
and i spit your words out
my silent rebellion
trying to tell you, without saying it out loud
that i don’t wanna take this anymore
these sour pills dissolve in my system
and i am left feeling *****
as if your assumptions are seeping into my veins
and becoming a part of me
and who you think i am
is not who i want to be
so as a result
i’ve got a pocket full of these heavy pills
sticky with resentment
as i discreetly pull them from my mouth
and dispose of the evidence, trying
not to tell you that this is not how my mind works
and i go home and write about it instead
hoping that one day you’ll type my name into space
and find my words, arranged in a shape
that desperately tries to explain
why i feel this way
because i could never say this out loud
i could never even print it down, concrete
and pass it forward
to all the people i’m speaking to, writing to
now
i can only hope that you’ll get there on your own
because i feel so weighed down
by these things you say, as you explain to me
that you understand, you get it now
and you present to me my feelings
in a small box, and i open it
and i want to tell you
that you are so, so wrong
you’ve coloured inside the lines
and locked me in
and each time you describe me
to somebody else
each time you warn them
of what you think are my weaknesses
each time you tell them
what makes me strong, what helps me live
you push me further into this corner
of self-doubt, wondering
is this really who i am?
is what you see what everyone thinks of me?
because i am more impressionable
than you imagine, strong in ways you think i can’t be
but weak in ways you’d never believe
and these words leave imprints upon my soul
sinking into my heart like sharp footprints
falling through the cracks of my mind
and now i am occupied
with them, with the idea
that maybe i’ve been wrong about myself
all along
maybe i don’t know who i am
and the rest of you
familiar strangers
are the ones who have painted me, turned me
from my upside-down cocoon
and planted me down into this frozen ground
and i know, the voice in the back of my mind
tells me, no, you know yourself
and they are only taking
the outside parts of you
and constructing a sham, a replica
somebody they think they can dissect
but the problem is
this voice is at its strongest
when everyone is asleep
when the words are done their creeping
and have settled like dust around me
at midnight, at one, at two
and all through the night
i can finally know myself
and point out the fact
that you’re wrong
and i don’t have to go along
with your assumptions, **** your judgement
**** your advice, i’m going at it alone
and my mistakes are my badges
my success is my shield
and i will deflect your forged knowledge
back onto you, force it before your eyes
so you can finally admit
that you do not know me
and you never will
and that’s fine, i just want you to know
that my feelings are mine
and your words are yours
find something else to give me
give me your hand, give me your heart
i don’t even care
but because of you
i stay up, late at night
fingers crossed that you’re thinking of me
enough to search for my name
and find this long rant
in poetry form
and realize
just how wrong you are
and this is not beautiful, this
broken piece of badly worded ****
but i am not beautiful either
this is me on the inside
and now you know, do you get it?
just how wrong you are
and i will not throw these words in your face
i will not wrap these lines around your neck
and i will not leave you with nothing
but a guilty weight
i’ll still be here when you’re awake
i just want the assumptions to stop
the picture i paint and show
is mine alone, not even the frame
is yours to choose
and i ask
can you just let me be
the person i want you to see?
these assumptions are bringing me down
but of course, i’ll always have my language
and i’ll do this, time and time again
release this frustration into rough poetry
and then begin my next day, after a night awake and dreaming
and let you continue
to pick me apart, never quite reaching
the centre, and yet i’ll take it anyways
because that’s what you expect me to do
and i will let you remain unsurprised
fingers crossed all the while
hands in my pockets, juggling those pills
this is me on the inside
but you don’t need to know that, do you?

i have always wished to find
the word
ephemeral
and the fabric
gossamer
among true, hard life
these angelic combinations
of stupid, insipid letters
tell me, where's the magic?

time passed with you
is time well wasted
change well made
from bills well spent
and i am bent out of shape
from all these round rhyming words
bowed to the ground
at the feet of this feeling
confused as all hell
(however unpoetic that may be,
it's how it is)
at the line between
beauty and truth
between outside and underground
uncomfortable heat and ignored cold

weird words, but that's all i've got
i'll shout them underground, unheard
or silently
to the cold, rushing river
or whisper them to myself
but that's it
(however dishonest that may be,
it's how i am)
and these simple words
primary colours:

red is telling me
that the pink in your cheeks
is diluted, and i don't want to know
what that real colour means

blue is saying
that the ice in the air means nothing
and that melancholy has no place
in the space between our hands
since we close that
a million times a day
and it is forced to escape our grasp

yellow tells me
that the sun is shining, somewhere
and i reply that i don't even care
it's sunny here, even underground
face turned round to meet yours
i'll survive

time passed with you
is time well wasted
change well made
from bills well spent
and i may be broke
but trust me
it's been worth it, throwing
colourful Monopoly money
imagined riches and caution
to the wind
with you