Before you fall in love,
you think you want it
and you let that want
put you to sleep at night
like a lullaby.
When you're in love,
you think you understand it,
bathing in the dangerous comfort
that keeps you up at night
like a fast-paced song
or an off-colour thought.
But when you've let love run its course,
no remorse,
low pain, high tolerance
and closure
that settles into your skull
like fine, wise dust-
then, you actually understand love,
you get it now,
and the colours painting the world around you
move in different strokes,
some cynical, but now you know
that nothing will ever be as clear, or
as clean
as that first time,
and that some bittersweet
is okay when it comes to memory-
you're done with clean, now it's time
for gloriously, beautifully *****.

broken coffee machines, broken hearts
broken
duct tape winding around the base
of a soul still good enough to sell
and i pull the price tag off your neck
to see if i can afford the time it would take
to crazy glue you back together
and i decide it's an investment i'm willing to make
so here, let's do this
the natural way
if that's okay
i'll take my skin, this expanse
here, running down from my chin to my waist
and use it, press it
against the worn patches of your torso
try and sew you up
with body heat
here, i'll take my arm, extend a hand
and run it down, down where the skin becomes soft
and your breath becomes hard
and i'll say
keep breathing, i'll show you how
broken heart, you say?
broken coffee machine, that's nothing
i have caffeine to spare, coming out
the tips of my fingers
and i am willing to share
broken heart, that's nothing
i have staples
that will take the oxygen from your lungs
and feed it straight into your veins
and you are going to like it
no garage sale, duct taped to the core
for you
you're going to be shiny and new
broken coffee machine, i'll fix it
and give it away
and take you instead
for free

i’m here again, inches away
from the surface of the bathroom mirror
at an unhealthy angle
twisting my vision
back and forth
frowning, smiling, frowning again
watching craters turn back into pores
as i move away
then back again
scrutinizing
each and every hair, every line
every possible sign
that i might be human
the bathroom mirror
has me convinced that i am
and as i turn my head the other way
trying to see if my profile is any better
than it was yesterday
i can’t help but wonder
after seeing myself up close
how it is that you could stand to kiss me
but then again
i guess your eyes are closed

hey you
i’d just like to offer
a silent, heartfelt thank you
for a few words that struck me
down, falling through
that veil of reality
and arriving, finally
in a place where i was alive for a moment
so weird, breathless
that i actually held my hand
to my chest
if seeing is believing, then
i truly believe
that the palm of my hand
saw my heart beat, so
hey you
i’d just like to offer
the smile that cracked my jawline
wide open, i’ll hold it
in my hands, saying
hey you, look what you did
you broke me
thank you

well, 1:59 am
old friend, here you are again
and here i am
caffeine coursing through my body
and keeping me upright, in tune with
the time zones
as i wait for 2 o’clock
and i have so many words
(2 am, there you are)
to write, but at this hour
i can never tell what order to put them in
so my poetry, my thoughts
are muddled
but whatever, i guess we all have those moments
those 2: 01 am moments
where the world makes so much sense
and you want to scream it out the window
to the population of the universe:
i understand! i get it now, at 2:02 in the morning
i understand everything, ask me anything
and i will fix it for you, answer your doubts
all-knowing, at 2:03 am
sitting solitary in the dark,
typing out nonsense
and thinking it means something
but hey, at least i got enlightenment
out of this experience, some realization
because seriously
i think i get it now
but of course, at some point
i will go to sleep
and when i wake up
the revelation will have disappeared
sunk back into the deep, into the dark
into the 2:04 am of my heart
and i will have to wait, counting down
until i can feel like this again
all-knowing and calm
powerful, small and unashamed
and i will wait up, time and time again
eyes flickering back and forth
until i can say
hey there, 2:05 am
how i have missed you

roundabout, unsteady weight
of my feet upon the sidewalk, sinking
deep into the cracks of drug dealers
and ambling adolescents
and old mothers
and young fathers, and whatever else
this city has to offer, its population
unknown to me, bewildering
since where i come from, everybody
has a name
and i know it
so this is weird
the imbalance between known
and unknown, the strange feeling
of a shift in the atmosphere that follows me
the loss of control that i feel
when i step down from the bus and make my way
through the crowd, feeling drunk
and off-kilter, feeling like
a drifting newspaper, out of date
trying to find some sense of community
but instead i find only small relationships
each separate from the other
each with a different dynamic, a different colour
a different reason for staying together
a different reason for falling apart
(and that happens
so much faster here)
and yet somehow i find that
i like it this way
having so many little lives, towns
to choose from
that there is always somebody, somewhere
willing to brighten my day
and so i think i’ll be okay, i’ll transition
into a city girl, all hardened and shiny
and maybe even stylish
with only the roots of my home peeking out
from beneath my feet, saying
don’t forget
and i won’t
i promise
city slicker pinky swear