quitting cigarettes
is signing my name in blood
under a contract that says,
"i'm here to live"

i look up to you tonight,
feel my breath rise and fall
with each inch that suspends
me from this earth and leads me
to a greater understanding
that we are all comprised of rising tides
controlled by the beams that
move the deepest reaches
within the very essence of
our truest selves

i've been afraid for awhile,
the kind of afraid that's kept
me inside on most weekends,
but disguised itself as my
average mental illnesses and an
obsession for the current body
resting beside me as i sleep

it wasn't until the election that
i got bold, going to the women's
march by myself, and silently
judging the lesbians beside me
as they sat on their privilege and
critiqued trump and posters -
i never thought about their fear,
the potential loss of the wedding
certificate that went along with
the rings on their respective fingers

i had always stood up for injustice
and wondered how far i could
push it with educating my students,
but when my teachers forgot the
true meaning of february, i jumped in,
i educated and asked questions and
urged my white students to realize
that they were the minority in our
afterschool program, and to open
their ears and eyes to their peers

i confronted strangers in public
places, made eye contact and
smiled at everyone i walked by,
listened earnestly to my friends
of color, hugged my lgbtq pals
harder than ever and repeated
again and again that love is love
is love is love is love is love

i took care of myself, better
than i ever had, because i knew
it was important, i did yoga 5
times a week, went hiking, ate
well for the first time in years,
i didn't sleep much, but i felt okay,
because i was doing something

this weekend i sat in my transgender
friend's home and talked about
my fear, i felt like i wanted to crawl
out of my skin as i said it because
her life is in danger, not her livelihood-
her life- and though i may translate
this into some noble act of wanting
to save all of the children who need
love most in the world, the truth is,
i love my job and i love to serve others,
and i'm not sure i have meaning without it

my fear, it feels transparent, and i'm still
trying to find the space to hear the
validations from people who haven't
yet been confronted by the ****'s knocking
at their door, but rest assured, they
will come, and if you're lucky enough to
be a part of the 1% i hope that the
cries of hungry children, the ringing of
bullets ripping into black bodies, the
screams of transgender people being
murdered, the howls of mexican families
being torn apart limb by limb, the
images of wet syrian toddlers washing
up on the shores of greece will haunt you
endlessly as you sit on your filthy money
and do all of the personal trainer yoga
you can to find what will never come - peace

i feel the water amass beneath my dark circles,
pushing against my eyeballs with the gentle whisper that says,
"this release is just what you need,"
but still, i can't allow it because i'm the steady hand,
the rock through this **** storm that will see everyone
through to the other side of the choppy waters before us

i wonder what life on the other side of the chasm
will really look like, if this utopia is nothing but a farce
that they've written in children's books and bibles alike
to keep us hunting and holding onto the only shreds of
humanity left in a world intent on murdering love

i feel the pieces slip between my finger tips, and they
linger in the air longer than gravity should allow, but still,
i cannot catch them no matter how quick and agile i become,
so i try being flexible instead and the back bends serve me
well until they don't, but that doesn't stop me from continuing the practice

i stay awake and bathe myself in moonlight even when
the clouds hide all of the pieces of me that i thought were already
illuminated, i lose myself in moments of stillness in a bed that
doesn't really belong to me, but really, what do any of us truly
own on this rock hurtling through time and space? i wonder about
that for a long while and hum along to tunes that belong in music boxes,
not the heart of a girl who will never commit long enough to release them

i sit in the sadness so long that the muck dries like a crackling mask
over my entire being, the peeling back reveals loss on a scale i still
don't really comprehend, but still, my feet move forward into one day
followed by the next and the next and the next, and in the moments that
i find stillness i think nothing, just relish in the embrace of an effortless breath

you are wholly you and sometimes that means
that you're not a poet because you're a yogi
or a program manager or a sister or a friend
or a hiker or an auntie or a crying mess in your bed

i'm sorry for trying to shackle you to the notion
that you have to dream one dream and be
the thing you drew on your "all about me" poster
when you were in first grade and they told you
that you could only grow up to be one particular thing

i love you for being multidimensional, for capturing
the world in film, footprints, fountain pens, and friendship,
for being able to cut the dead weight out even if
those pounds feel like the most essential part of you in
this moment though you know that they have been sitting
directly on your chest and stifling your every effort to breathe

i love you because you are you, and at this point you
finally feel okay with that, and so you're able to look out
into the world and truly begin to love others in a way you
never conceived possible - your innate quality of giving has
taken on meaning that stretches beyond band aids and equality,
and instead reaches realms of equity and true understanding
despite the fact that the lens you see through is nothing like anyone else's

i love you because you are learning and willing to grow, and
a lot of growing happens to mean letting go, even if the emotions
you feel are validated and warranted, you've learned to see them,
to be them, and to breathe them back into the universe instead of
placing them in the mason jar that lives beneath your rib cage
until they explode and sends shards of glass into your most vital organs

i write to you to let you know that i'm proud of each moment you
decide to take care of yourself even if that only means washing your
face before bed time, for being brave enough to make decisions
based on you instead of him, for standing up for what you believe
and equally as much for admitting when you're wrong, for living a life
no longer based in fear, but in love for yourself and all of humanity

i was recently told that i'm no poet,
that my words don't evoke art or understanding,
that i haven't grown much, so i took that and chewed it
until it fed my insides and turned my eyes outward on
a world that i haven't dug into at all with words left
jumbling around in a brain used for other means,
i've been forcing my hands and heart to mold this world into a better place,
but without my words what capture will i leave behind, what legacy?

i marched with womxn last month, alone and surrounded by 140,000
others who gabbed and growled about a man with tiny
hands who employs those who want to take control of our reproductive rights,
and wants to throw some of us out of the country, and **** us in the streets,
but the white ladies behind me were more concerned with their clever signs
than the native's plight for their land and the black lady's murdered babies and the burkas being ripped off of women trying to buy skirts in a walmart

i guess i have a hard time finding my america in all of this mess -
i'm a white woman, but i didn't vote for trump
does that make me different? does that make me woke?
i want to join arms and resist with everyone who's ever felt
like they're less than because of something they were born being,
but i'm still not quite sure how to shine solidarity without seeking recognition

i think we all desire ego to be stroked, but how can i want for that
when some people just wish to live? i look long and hard at myself everyday
after too many hours reading about the chaos and sadness so readily
accessed at keyboards stroked by too quick fingertips, the tears they
come and the heart lays heavy, but what do i do? i rally other white folks
to march, i try to change their hearts, i explain what being an ally looks like,
i work in the communities that need it most, i love the children who feel alone,
but i wonder how much of this is for me and how much of it is true love

i'm learning, growing, changing always, but fear holds me in a place between
truly giving and giving just to fill my own cup, the world has changed and the
little girl who stood up to bullies still sits inside of my heart, but the bullies are
corporations, and the president, and coworkers, and family members, and
friends at a super bowl party, so i've got to find a way to be strong with my
solidarity no matter who, what, where, why, when, because this matters and i don't
want to be that person standing up only to put it on instagram, no i want to
affect real change, to be a part of history, to truly love all of my fellow human kind

i want to give from a place of caring without condition, a place that sees color, sees faith, sees gender identity, sees ****** orientation, sees *** work, sees disabled folk,
and doesn't pretend that their story is one that i understand and echo because
i have ovaries and know what it feels like to be frightened, no, i can't put my ******
on a pedestal and use it as a badge of courage anymore, it's time to open my heart
and ears and truly be humbled in the honorary process of letting myself learn

just because i've felt real fear, doesn't mean i know anyone else's fear, and the only
way that i will come to be a true empath, a true ally, a true warrior is if i learn to quiet
the voice within my head and listen when others speak from their darkest depths,
i must build my strength, my bonds, my heart, my mind so i can lift those up, serve as a megaphone for the voices quieted by men in uniform and suits, pound the pavement as a truly intersectional, solidarity-filled sister of every man, woman, child, they/them, that has ever felt alone, that has ever wanted for more, that has ever been denied
the privilege that i benefit from just by living, as a white woman in this world

i worked endlessly to extract the pieces of you from my brain,
silently sawed my skull open as i slept and plucked each
memory of us moving towards forever together with the
tweezers you left behind from that time you got a splinter and i
held you tenderly as i removed tree matter from your skin

that's one of the first ones that came back, followed by us
riding our bikes to the beach to drink beers and celebrate one year
even though the storm was coming and we only had that one old
ratty towel, i photographed you there and often looked at that image
of you after alcohol ruined us both and turned you into someone without
eyes that were smiling and skin no longer tender from being punctured with ink

i hid in that image of you, bronzed and perfect, content and looking
ahead to following me across the country to become a permanent
fixture in the family unit we had created over 3,000 miles away from
the one i was trying to escape, you were the one who reminded me
that there never really was escape, only ignorance, and i laughed at you,
wondering why you would damper our dreams with what i considered sadness

now the tears surround me, a curtain to the outside world that soaks
me in all i had worked so hard to lose, all i had refused to look in the eye,
all i had thought left me the moment i left you, but in all of my forgetting i had lost
sight of the understanding that pain doesn't fade that way, only tucks itself away
silently and patiently waiting for the relaxation, the lack of resistance, the remembrance