sometimes the cathartic ways of my slumber
invade the way that i walk this earth,
this morning i felt a cold trigger sit on
my warm *** as i moved 400 ks of coke in two hours

you said we should ban guns in dreams,
i said psyches deserve safe rest

the truth is that i liked being a boss
the feeling of that pistol in my hand was strange,
but the weight of a life seemed even more stagnant
as i laid there and lost myself in the life of a dealer

rest will never truly be rest for me,
but i have the luxury of dreams that will never die

on the eve of the night
when white people in this country
pretend to give a **** about the oppressed,
we watched puppets put a show on
for all of the fools too ignorant
to really open their eyes and see
the strings that pull at their sleeves

hillary took her sharp stick
and jabbed bernie again and again,
who smiled with graciousness
at each poke because his road
is the high one and people like hillary
need to be half villain in order
to fulfill their desperate attempts
for the young people's vote

o'malley was like dust under
six layers of worn out carpets
hidden under newly installed
hardwoods making the carpet's
entire existence completely void
to the outside world

ah, oh right - o'malley tried,
but that's all i can tell you about him

at some point we smoked a
baseball shaped spliff rolled with
three joint papers and i couldn't
help but watch them all and feel
the bile in my stomach wish for
escape, the idea that an old
jewish dude probably knows
what's best for my future is
an interesting one

lately there is a storm brewing
beneath my skin, deeper than
my bones, right in the very pit
of my soul, and i can feel within
it a great and forceful change

i think my body mirrors this earth,
this universe, this time, and i'm
waiting with baited breath for
the next great shift

these moments always stick out,
like the branches that would get caught
in the creek where i'm sure i smoked a joint with you,
but the truth is you remember more of me

i'm sure that this sensation is falling, but i can't recall
what it feels like to have it happen because
your soul reflects someone else's -
maybe i've never known that kind of love

you whispered to me about a party at joe's,
how it was your first time coming round and
i introduced myself, about a kiss i stole in a
dive bar, about sleeping with me in my tiny bed

i wish i could remember, but whiskey stole
those memories away when i was just a little
girl with no real understanding of what it meant
to hold a man and know i might hold him forever

when i lay my insecurities in the mossy beds of
the forests that make up our existence here, i find
you looking at me in a way that leaves me without
fear, and instead a peace that's bigger than all of this

the universe whispers to me while i sleep - sweet
sounds of a greater good, a love that lives within and
without us, an interconnected force that feeds the soul -
i find you amidst it all, your only wish, to hold me

skin slips off of bone,
the slow dripping of
the very essence of life
leaving me, an endless
moment after moments
that sped by quicker
than my vision could capture

i want to know why
everything is painful now,
why i've forgotten
how to care for my bones
that ache like they have
had enough moving
for sixty lifetimes

it may be spring, and i
may be a chicken, but
connecting the two seems
impossible  

staring in the mirror i
dive into dark circular
pools and vow to leave
my vices on the crayon-
colored table in our
living room

i am so used to being
saved, but now i wear
the thorny crown befitting
the savior, and the
blood that trickles down
my lips tastes like warm,
sad failure

i am afraid -

i am aware of the constructs that i have created within my cerebrum, but still,
i am afraid

i dwell within possibility and i drown within pessimism, persistent prodding tells me,
you're not ready,
you're not able,
you're just you

within morning comes the mourning of every moment i've misplaced,
the dreams that detonate day after day as i don't dive deeper,
the wistful wanting for wayward worship of words that have lost their weight

i admonish myself with apologies as august replays again and again,
the shell of you sits there and sings songs of sobriety and sojourned slumber,
and i find freedom in the fact that i find myself finite in my finale- finally alone

it's not the truth that brings terror, it's the tired tongue that trembles,
the loss of lunacy and the latching onto looming, languishing logistics,
the halt of the hum that once helped me to heave myself towards hope

you are no one,
you are everyone,
you are whoever you want to be,
the words that imprison me illuminate an interest in introspective idealism

i am afraid,
but still, exposed, enamored, and enraged, nothing stops emancipation, not even -

i am afraid

i wish i didn't give a ****, that you
want me just for my ***,
pretending to want to know me
just so you can **** me fast

i wish i didn't give a ****, that it's
easy to fall for fraud,
that trusting and allowing love in
makes me the classic, idiot broad

i wish i didn't give a ****, that
you touched me when i was asleep,
that i woke up with your hands
on me and i felt like the creep

i wish i didn't give a ****, that people
will feel real ******* bad,
but the truth is no matter how many
times, it's never the right amount of sad

i wish i didn't give a ****, but the
fact remains, i do
and i won't stop giving a ****
until you finally give a ****, too

i used to be a perfect bundle of baby smooth
skin, unscathed and innocent, but life
has become about staying strong
through whatever tries to tear me
apart and leave me a pile of nothing

i think back and the monsters that went
bump in the night are no longer the
truly terrifying, instead it's what my
brain projects on my eyelids

the truth is that memories are
nothing but stories that we tell ourselves
to stay scared, or to get free,
and lately i'm feeling impatient
waiting for my chains to fall off

strength doesn't mean **** if i
can't put the key in and free myself,
and you're dead wrong if you think
a single other soul in this world
can do the freeing for you

trying to reframe every moment
in my existence, reveling in the
realization that i always have a choice,
that i will never be lost if i allow myself
to live for what i truly love